“Your mind will not let you accept life as it is. Your mind talks about a lot of things and most of the things it talks about are things that bother it, or it thinks can hurt it, or it thinks it will go wrong, and it's just in there constantly talking.” Michael Singer

"We need to prioritize our social relationships like our life depends on it, because it does." Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad

The science is clear. Social isolation and loneliness are hard on our health and life span.

We can feel alone in a group or happy on our own so it’s more than physical proximity. What are some factors to consider?

Being in survival responses of fight/ flight/ freeze kills intimacy

When we’re in fight, people are scared of us and protect themselves from our anger

When we’re in flight, we’ve emotionally left the building

When we’re in freeze, we’re numb and disconnected

don’t you imagine the leaves think how comfortable it will be to touch the earth instead of the nothingness of air and the endless freshets of wind? From Song for Autumn, Mary Oliver

At times I long for the comfort of touching the earth instead of being buffeted around by the reality and intensity of the world. My heart feels too heavy. Life feels like a lot. I’m tired. I want everyone’s suffering to end and I want ease.

When have you been most inspired? What are the circumstances when you feel more alive during and after than when you went in? 

It could be simple, like being in nature or meditating with friends. It could the inspiration of working toward what you believe with like minded people.

We don’t have to be perfect to hold ourselves in care and esteem.

Get yourself settled emotionally and physically through grounding and orienting. Stay connected within as you try these inquiry statements.

I can afford to see myself

I see through false beliefs that something is wrong with me

I am worthy of love and connection as I am right now

I can afford for you to see me

My dignity is inherent, within

I share with you from my internal esteem and inherent dignity

Where do we have shared humanity and common ground? Recognizing their humanity, understanding them, and perhaps even having an open heart doesn’t mean we have to forgive someone or let them into our life. It means we are acknowledging them as a human being.

We can build this muscle by working with our own inner critic and with difficult people in our own life. Everyone has a backstory. How is that operating in your relationships?

Shame is the wound of not belonging.

We feel alone, unseen, unheard, unwelcome or not wanting to be seen. This disruption in connection with a significant other can disconnect the person from themself or another, and activate a feeling of shame.“

When the intense suffering of shame is met with compassion, it releases its clinging toxic tentacles. We realize that we are not alone, and can once again breathe and move with vitality.” Brene Brown

Breathing plays a profound role in our health.

Breathing interventions are relatively easy to learn, may be done at any time, and can help restore balance.

The autonomic nervous system will not allow us to relax our vigilance while our breathing is rapid and shallow, or while we’re holding our breath. Often accompanied by tension in our body, this breathing pattern sends a strong signal to our nervous system that we are in danger.

We can do practices to change this and allow our breath to signal safety and make our neuroception (perception of safety and danger) more accurate.

Strong social connections and a supportive social network contribute to a fulfilling and satisfying life. Social Health is an essential component of overall well-being, as it influences mental, emotional, and physical health.

Acknowledging what is already gone is part of courage and clear seeing.

Letting go of what is not possible opens space for what might be. Letting go of shaming ourself for not manifesting earlier dreams opens up our hearts.

What do I need to let go of to make room for the new?

What does my heart know? What do I grieve? What do I long for?

How would I know I deserve protection if I wasn’t protected? 

How would I know I need to protect my children from emotional hurt if I wasn’t protected as a child? 

Does my body know I can count on protection from parents and teachers if they have not protected me in the past?

We have all experienced feeling and acting with courage

We have all experienced backing down or being disappointed in ourselves

What gets in the way of being more consistently courageous?

Mindful listening is a beautiful offering to ourselves and others. It is a deep and advanced practice that can lead to experiences of authentic connection within ourselves and with others.

I can take the risk to fully know myself and let myself be known by others, to live with vulnerability and authenticity, and to speak up and "tell all of my heart".

I am listening with the intent to get to know someone

I am listening somatically to more deeply know myself

I listen to understand, not in preparation to respond

I will remain aware of where I am on the polyvagal ladder and come back

Do you cycle between thinking “it’s not so bad” and “this isn’t working, I need to go”? Maybe you are pretending to yourself that they can and want to change. Just because you treat people with respect and try to be kind, does not mean everyone has that value or the capacity.

We learn to read our parents because our survival depends on it. Codependency is emotional. I’m very worried about what you’re feeling. I take responsibility for your feelings and try to cajole you into a better mood because my survival depends on your good will towards me and I need your protection.

People who are not emotionally regulated are less likely to respect boundaries. When we are not emotionally well regulated, we are less likely to respect the boundaries other people set, and are less able to set and maintain our own boundaries.

Who gains when we hate our bodies and believe we are broken? People who make money from our self-hatred. Seeing the roots of this pervasive conditioning more clearly, we can take steps to heal.

My nervous system is not convinced it is okay for me to “be here”.