Welcoming All Of Ourselves
Looking at our culture, it is easy to see the layers of complexity and experience that make it difficult for us to have a warm-hearted connected relationship with ourselves. We have done some things well, like developing technology. We are not doing so well with our individual and communal mental health.
We have learned a lot about trauma, particularly in the last twenty years of increased awareness around somatic embodied healing. In my work, I find myself using these quotes again and again.
“Trauma is not what happens to us, it is the effect inside of us of what happened to us. Trauma disconnects us from our ourselves, our sense of value, and the present moment.” Gabor Maté, MD
“Safety IS the treatment.” Dr Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Institute
“It’s all about the nervous system. For a happy and meaningful life, we need to have a well-regulated nervous system.” (me)
Trauma separates us from each other. Without support, we feel isolated, and this drives us deeper into feeling like we’re on our own with our struggles. In addition to the need to protect our body from danger, we instinctively know our best chance of survival rests with other people. We feel safer when we are in a community where we protect each other. The divisiveness in our current climate scares us.
When children are scared or hurt, we need trusted adults to protect us. When our adults hurt or neglect us for whatever reasons of their own, we develop core deficiency beliefs of I am the broken one. We base beliefs on our experiences. The experience of feeling unloved and on our own, becomes a belief that we are unlovable. Children turn against themselves to maintain connection with parents, family, and social groups.
We live in an aggressive, cruel and shaming culture. One example is how we glorify unhealthy eating and drinking, at the same time as we vilify people who gain weight or can’t control their substance use.
Shame shuts us down. We feel disconnected and powerless. We compare our life with the fantasy we see on screens and feel like a failure.
Who gains when we hate our bodies and believe we are broken? People who make money from our self-hatred. Seeing the roots of this pervasive conditioning more clearly, we can take steps to heal.
Like everyone else, I have been conditioned to believe stereotypes. Negative stereotypes combined with core deficiency survival beliefs from childhood leave me stranded.
My nervous system is not convinced it is okay for me to “be here”.
Sometimes we do things we’re not proud of and this can be the source of much scorn from our inner critic. Why did we act that way and let ourselves be diminished or said/did that thing we regret?
Pete Walker’s practice of 12 x 12 gratitudes can help balance the negativity bias, and bring a more true perspective.
Try to think of 12 entries for each category, listing something that is generally true for you. You might ask someone you trust enough to help.
Accomplishments Traits Good deeds Peak experiences Life enjoyments Intentions Good habits Jobs Subjects studied Obstacles overcome Grace received Nurturing memories
We educate ourselves and do practices to settle our nervous system enough that we can afford to open the door to a kind connected relationship with ourselves.
Can we offer ourselves kindness and compassion? A practice like this can help balance the negativity bias and bring a more true perspective.
With your hand on your heart, bring to mind your hurt and scared younger self, and let your maturing adult self extend a warm welcome.
We heal when we connect with ourselves and we heal with each other. As we become kinder with ourselves, we feel more confident that we can take the risk to connect with others.
Our Sunday free community class is a powerful experience. We begin with somatic inquiry related to the topic of my weekly blog then (your choice) go into breakout rooms to connect with each other. We are practicing being safe enough with each other to be vulnerable and share authentically. We connect and we are healing.