Overcoming Shame and Isolation

We both long for and are scared of connection. We make a bid for connection and sometimes no one catches it. We do practices to know in our body that an unmet bid isn’t personal, but it still hurts when it lands on our core deficiency beliefs.

“Connection is medicine. Real human connection and mutual community support are the keys to healing trauma. 

Shame is the #1 factor preventing meaningful connection and healing.”    SeekHealing.Org

Our brains naturally work in different ways, with our own unique talents and struggles. The health of our brain affects everything about our daily life, how we are seen by others, and how we move through life.

We process life through our senses. Many children and adults are still shamed and ordered to stop being “too sensitive” when in fact they are experiencing big emotions or sensory overload. 

For some people, sounds like whistling or chewing feel like an attack and generate a nervous system response to perceived threat. They might be met with compassion and accommodation, or with derision and defiance as someone deliberately whistles to get a reaction from them.

Shame elicits a threat response in our nervous system, which often registers as a form of freeze or shut down. Disconnection from our body enables us to bear the unbearable.

It may register as a feeling of being vaguely or profoundly uncomfortable in the body; feeling shy and pulling away; flushed face; tight throat; shallow breath, tension and collapse.

Shame arises as a survival response so we can fit in the family, community and social order. We experience shame in community so we can survive. Some shame is necessary to protect us and can alert us when we have overstepped a boundary. 

Shame registers as healthy when we are met with support and love; we can then take responsibility and learn from that experience. 

Toxic shame can arise after a series of misattunements, where we are rejected and not met with love after having an experience of shame.

“Shame is one of the most painful and corrosive emotions, which can feel like death.” Trauma expert Dr Peter Levine

Shame is the wound of not belonging.

We feel alone, unseen, unheard, unwelcome or not wanting to be seen. This disruption in connection with a significant other can disconnect the person from themself or another, and  activate a feeling of shame.

Shame is the root of the inner critic and perfectionism. 

“When the intense suffering of shame is met with compassion, it releases its clinging toxic tentacles. We realize that we are not alone, and can once again breathe and move with vitality.” Brene Brown

This is the somatic inquiry we’re going to do together in our Sunday free community class. Do this inquiry first about someone who is mid  or lower stakes, like a casual friend or colleague. Come into self-regulation first and be mindful of your breathing and staying grounded as you explore.

What is your response when they make a bid for connection? Do you always notice?

Do you always welcome a bid for connection from this person? What factors affect that? Your mood, disconnection, fatigue? Are you turned off by their neediness? Is the timing off because you’re busy? Are they crossing boundaries you’ve set?

Do they always welcome a bid from you? What factors affect that?

What does their response mean about you?

Try this reverse inquiry and see how your body responds and what thoughts come to your mind.

Their lack of response does not mean I am unworthy of connection. I respond to myself and stay connected with myself, and this helps me tolerate a range of responses from others.

Click here if you’d like to join us Sunday!