Parentified Child

We learn to read our parents because our survival depends on it. We all need to know we are part of a family and community that will help to protect us and keep us safe. Children are vulnerable and experience emotional misattunement as a survival level threat. If we are not known and seen, we could die.

Without a base of belonging, a child cannot develop a healthy sense of themselves and their value. We do what it takes to survive. That might include throwing ourselves under the bus. We comply with pressure, especially from parents, trying to belong to survive. We have trouble setting boundaries and saying no. 

The good will of our parents equals survival.

Codependency is emotional. I’m very worried about what you’re feeling. I take responsibility for your feelings and try to cajole you into a better mood because my survival depends on your good will towards me and I need your protection. 

This pattern of ignoring our own needs and walking on eggshells continues into our adult life. Somatically, in our body, it can feel like a survival level threat to stand up for ourselves OR to let someone else take responsibility for their own emotional states.

Children become codependent when they feel afraid, insecure, and not known and loved by their adults. It is the parents responsibility to foster an atmosphere of love, connection and security for their children. Many parents are passively unable to do this, and some parents actively abuse and dominate their children.

Children without secure attachment can’t risk being who they are. They have been conditioned to take care of the emotional needs of their parents, instead of their parents taking care of them and creating a foundation of secure attachment. A child can’t handle the responsibility of caring for themselves, and are even less able to caretake their parents.

We abandon ourselves, our likes, our value and our agency to ally with someone we hope will protect us. We are compliant until we can’t stand it and rebel. We sacrifice living our own life to take care of others in an attempt to keep ourselves safe.

Our neuroception uses evidence from our childhood. In our conscious mind, we know the high cost of betraying ourselves, but inside it feels like a survival level threat to go against our parents or any other authority figure, from a friend with more social power, to a boss, or your romantic partner. This is why we people please.

We are conditioned by our childhood experiences. Children learn to read the mood and develop strategies to lessen danger. Some disappear, others become overly helpful. Some fight back, drawing a parent’s anger like a lightning rod. Some fawn, trying to flatter and cajole the adult into a better mood.

We adapted these strategies to survive. We are highly aware of the needs and moods of others and we are disconnected from ourselves.

We betray ourselves by worrying and perfectionism. We are eagerly anxious to please and walk on eggshells to keep the peace. We find it hard to speak up in our defense, hate ourselves for being a doormat, and hate the person who made us “take a knee”

We can’t afford to offer our own creativity and ideas in case we’re ridiculed. We turn against ourselves, doubting our worth, and have a mean inner critic that keeps us playing small. These are adaptive strategies from the past. We can let them go now.

Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving has this to say.

The child seeks safety by merging with the needs and demands of others.

The child is parentified, taking care of the needy (sometimes raging) parent.

The parent presses the child into codependent service by shaming and punishing them when they talk back.

People forced to stifle individuality in childhood have the greatest developmental arrest.

Any hint of danger triggers servile behavior and abdication of rights.

Saying no as an adult may trigger emotional flashbacks and dissociation.

Healing Is Now In Our Own Hands

We hold the key to our own happiness and we can take responsibility for ourselves. We can understand and feel love for our parents even as we see and acknowledge the impact of their behavior on themselves and on us.

We are vulnerable to feeling shame for our own power-under position. We can understand and feel love for ourselves even as we see and acknowledge the origins of and the impact of our behavior.

We let go of relying on hope that other people will stop hurting us and that other people will take away our pain.  We begin to know we can heal and protect ourselves, and we develop resources and resilience to see ourselves through this process.

Somatic Inquiry Reflections (use grounding tools to stay emotionally regulated)

Am I afraid to be authentic with ____? Am I walking on eggshells?

Is my motivation guilt? Do I feel responsible for their feelings? Do I feel resentment? Is it safe to be angry for being parentified as a child?

Am I acting in a compulsive manner not in alignment with my values and who I am?  What is the worst that could happen if I stop betraying myself? What is a realistic assessment of the cost? Can I afford that? 

Freedom

Take a few breaths and let yourself come back into trust and connection in the present. What happens in your body and thoughts as you say these sentences.

I have the courage and strength to tolerate other people’s disappointment or rejection.

It is enough that I approve of myself.

I see clearly and set boundaries to appropriately take care of myself.

Freedom is based on clearly seeing our survival strategies from the past, and building resilience and strength in the present.