Low Vigilance Relationships

Let’s look at some of the factors that influence the level of vigilance in our relationships.

We trust them and they are reliably (not perfectly) well-regulated. We don’t feel dread when we think about them or prepare to see them. It feels safe enough to be ourselves with an expectation of kindness, respect and authentic engagement, and without the threat of contempt or gaslighting. We feel safe enough to be ourselves and we have fun together.

Trauma bonding refers to a psychological connection that can include a sense of loyalty or attachment, despite the harm that is being inflicted. It can develop in many different types of relationships, such as those between parent and child, or intimate partners. Trauma bonding can lead us to associate high drama and intensity with love, and make us vulnerable to unhealthy patterns in relationships.

I want to cultivate low-hypervigilance relationships but what if I’m bored? Like withdrawal from any drug, when we’re jacked up on adrenaline and drama in our relationships, it takes a while come down.

Some relationships require a high level of vigilance and we have a variety of reasons for staying in these relationships. Even as we acknowledge that we can’t change them, we can still take other steps to minimize their effect on us. 

We need to be on the top of our game when we’re around high vigilance people, and be grounded enough to not fall into the trap of internalizing false beliefs when we are being gaslit. We might have tighter boundaries or address unsuitable behavior as it occurs.

Some people are not regulated enough to be in a low vigilance relationship. We keep our guard up because we know them well enough to read when they are going into a fight response for instance. If we choose to stay connected, we can cultivate compassion even as we remain aware and protect ourselves.

Do you often ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship?

Do you cycle between thinking “it’s not so bad” and “this isn’t working, I need to go”? Maybe you are pretending to yourself that they can and want to change. Just because you treat people with respect and try to be kind, does not mean everyone has that value or the capacity.

Ongoing uncertainty about whether or not the relationship is working is a red flag. It is natural for relationships to go through some turbulence and often people can recover and remain friends or partners. If the other person is open to and has the capacity to change, we can work with that.

The health of our relationships and the consequences of changing the dynamics or leaving important relationships are high stakes and complex. We need to consider finances, children, other people impacted, and many other factors. There is no right answer. 

Who we maintain relationships with is something only we can decide. Clarity and letting in the truth are essential in making good decisions. What does your body say when you inquire?

It takes courage to let ourselves know what we need and to see the truth of what we have. Kindness and compassion can support a foundation of grace and authenticity.

“When a child walks in the room, do your eyes light up? That’s what they’re looking for.” Toni Morrison

We all deserve to be in relationships where we are loved and valued, and where our eyes light up when we see each other. “Safe enough” relationships are lower vigilance.

Bring to mind someone you feel “safe enough: with and reflect on memories, images, and experiences. How do feel in your nervous system when you’re with them and right now as you are thinking about them?

Now bring to mind someone who keeps you on edge and reflect on memories, images, experiences and how you feel in your nervous system when you’re with them.

Does your connection to this person make sense based on how they treat you? Is trauma bonding part of it? Are you betraying yourself to maintain connection? What is in your own best interest?

I can afford to be myself in relationships overall. I can afford to be myself in this relationship.

These are reverse inquiry statements, meant to bring our unconscious beliefs into the light. We listen to our body. What emotions do you feel? What sensations and energy do you feel in your body?

I Can Afford To Change This

Bring to mind someone who keeps you on edge. You want this person and relationship to be different than it is. Visualize yourself strong and clear and changing how you interact in the relationship. 

When we have a disagreement, I’d like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you feel you’re getting too heated. I will also say when I’m uncomfortable.

See and feel your confidence and commitment to yourself. Say the words out loud. Breathe. Notice what you feel now.

Low vigilance relationships are not boring. They are where we can finally relax, be our authentic self and connect deeply with others.

We work with settling our nervous system and building nurturing relationships to the point where “we feel safe in the arms of another.” Dr Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Institute