I’m Curious About You

don’t you imagine the leaves think how comfortable it will be to touch the earth instead of the nothingness of air and the endless freshets of wind? From Song for Autumn, Mary Oliver

At times I long for the comfort of touching the earth instead of being buffeted around by the reality and intensity of the world. My heart feels too heavy. Life feels like a lot. I’m tired. I want everyone’s suffering to end and I want ease. 

When we can’t control the endless freshets of wind, what can we do? We can work with our own mind to minimize adding our fear and disturbance into the energy field. 

There is a relief in knowing we can do something.

Our nervous systems operate in a similar way. We feel grief and fear and may go into despair. I can’t take it in. It’s too much. The situation is too complicated. People are too hardened and polarized. 

When faced with circumstances over which we have no control, we feel powerless. Some react to that by gathering together with others to work for change. Many don’t have the bandwidth for that or the confidence that it will help.

We may go into judgement or a fight response. “They” need to change. I’m right. They are wrong. We can slip into dehumanizing others when we are operating from a survival response. 

Come back into emotional regulation. Soften your muscles. Take some deep breaths. Look around the space you are in right now in this moment and notice cues of safety. In this moment, your body is safe. Notice this.

When we can’t work directly with intense situations, we might be able to access understanding and opening our heart in other ways. Noticing what we have in common might be an entry point.

We know the excitement and trepidation of the first day at a new job. We might be anxious, inspired, excited, and more or less regulated. New experiences are not neutral in our nervous system, especially high stakes ones like a new job. 

Many people know the anticipation of a vacation and the reality of the experience.

Our hearts soften and we smile when we see a baby laughing. 

We’ve all been included and we’ve all felt the sting of rejection. 

We know grief and loss, and we know love and joy. 

We all want comfort and safety. We have this in common.

I am interested to know the different ways we experience similar events. 

What history do we both bring to this moment? How well regulated are our nervous systems? What are our needs and values? How do we respond when ours conflict with what the other person values and needs?

Let’s use an example like camping. Would that be fun or terrifying for you? Would you love the quiet in nature or be irritated with mosquitos and sleeping on the ground? Both? There are no right or wrong answers, although we might feel pressured or shamed by others. 

You’ve set up camp and are enjoying yourself when a group arrives in the next spot with several cases of beer and they crank up the tunes. They’re having fun and they invite you to join them, but you’re too angry that they spoiled the quiet. 

What are the thoughts in your mind? How is your heart? Are you open to understanding their needs and experience as different from yours?

If you’re in the party who is out camping to have fun with your friends, what are your thoughts about the spoilsport glaring at you who marched off to complain to the camp staff? How is your heart? Are you open to understanding their needs and experience as different from yours?

Come back into regulation. Stand up and shake it off. Breathe. 

This is a personal example. I ended up looking for land of my own where I had more control to keep out people who disturbed my enjoyment of the quiet and peace of nature. 

Our needs were not compatible. When we have other options, like I did by buying a small piece of land, we’re not as disturbed. We don’t always have good options.

What are the common threads in common experiences?  What do we have in common? How are we different? 

I believe in social justice. I know the commonality of all human beings and how destructive it is to dehumanize and objectify people. People have different interests, views and values. We impact each other. Regardless of the why and the background, we are going to disagree at times.

My value is to cultivate keeping an open heart while not shutting down or reacting out of a fight response. I have to be careful to see reality. Not everyone shares my values and priorities, and even those who do might have very different ways of living. 

What do we share?

I’m curious about you. What are the nuances that lead you to approach life in a different way than I do? 

What is your experience? Why do you think the way you do? I am interested to know. 

I have an ulterior motive. I am looking for ways to keep my heart open and compassionate. When and as I can, I increase self-regulation so I can let life in as I hold the complexity and reality with as much grace as possible.

Look for people who inspire you. There are many!

Prioritize getting together with people with whom you feel safe. 

If your sleep is disturbed, try to open some space for resting and naps. 

Especially right now, it is important to limit alarming visual images. Our brain does not know that video images are not a direct immediate threat. Try to read text or listen to thoughtful discourse instead of getting informed through visual images.

Go for walks, breathe deeply, do some yoga or tai chi, lift weights or cuddle your dog. 

Nurture yourself. Let in what you can and also focus on regulating your nervous system and building resilience. This is advanced practice.

You can’t take this on by yourself. Saving the world is not a solo venture.

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