Healing Connections
Strong social connections and a supportive social network contribute to a fulfilling and satisfying life. Social health is an essential component of overall well-being, as it influences mental, emotional, and physical health.
We are born with a need to connect. Children who experience developmental trauma have less opportunity to grow strong neural networks for connection. Our brains are set up to protect us from abandonment and/or abuse from our parents and others.
We look around and don’t understand why some of our peers seem happy and have friends. As teens, we may gravitate toward people who are also lost, and sometimes towards people who are abusive. It feels safer than being alone in the world.
Our experience has taught us that we can’t trust people, and we believe deep down that it is because there is something wrong with us. This sets us up for loneliness and isolation.
Our individual path of healing
We get to know ourselves: our body, sensations, emotions, our nervous system, how we react to stimulus from our environment, thought patterns in our mind, our core deficiency beliefs, and those parts of us that still experience the pain of childhood.
We grow to accept ourselves and our experience in our body, breath and mind. We become willing to nurture a compassionate connection within. We learn tools and practices to regulate our nervous system, and we become less afraid.
Stored trauma begins to release. We notice reactivity sooner and know how to reliably come back into regulation. We see through false beliefs of unworthiness and stop shaming ourselves. We can feel intense & emotional during this time.
Healing and maturing is an internal process and we don’t have to do it alone. We actually can’t go all the way by ourself. We are wired to be safer and feel happier in connection with others.
Healing in relationship
As we progress in healing and nurturing ourselves, several things happen.
New neural networks for connection form in our brain. Our nervous system becomes stronger and more resilient.
We are beginning to have the direct experience that we can reach out to other people and if it doesn’t work out, we are resilient enough to try again. We don’t take things as personally. We are able to see and set boundaries.
As we are not as caught in survival responses of fight/ flight/ freeze, we have more clarity and enthusiasm. We enjoy our more regulated nervous system. What interests us? Who would we like to approach for friendship? We have more energy.
We let go of hiding out and more often risk being authentic. We become dissatisfied with some of the shallow patterns and relationships of our old life. We leave some and we are able to transform others. Our connection with people deepens because we know and express who we really are. This is evolving and is not 100% reliable.
But I Don’t Like It This Way!
I need this person to be this way so I can feel safe. When they aren’t exactly how I need them to be, I feel let down and it reinforces my feeling of abandonment.
Other people don’t owe us what we need to fill developmental steps that were missed when we were a child. That makes logical sense. What about in our unconscious? Do we truly accept that this is true?
A baby needs to have all their needs attended to by their adults. They need to be fed, cleaned up, burped and provided with physical safety and security. They need care, connection and people to help them regulate. Children can’t self regulate. If we missed this as a child, self-regulating our nervous system is a step we can strengthen now.
When good enough connection and coregulation didn’t happen for us when we were children, we miss important steps, like building neural networks for connection, and trusting and turning to other people for support.
We’ve learned to manage on our own but we’re socially isolated and lonely.
What do I look for from other people?
As a child, what connections did I have that were “good enough”? Who were they with? Were they disrupted or are they still here?
What “good enough” connections do I have now or could I nurture now? Who am I interested in knowing more and I’ve felt too anxious to reach out?
What am I looking for in them? Is there mutual support in my relationships or is it more one way? Are there old patterns I can shift?
What happens in me when they are not perfectly attuned to my emotional needs?
Let your adult self support you in accepting this truth: It is not someone else’s job to fill my unmet developmental needs. I can be here for myself and at the same time I can open to deeper connection with others.
We do need others. We do feel needy and grab onto people at times. We do make deals that cost us too much. We also have strength and determination and resilience. We carry our past in our mindbody, our neural networks, and our patterns in relationship.
We are all capable of engaging with the process of doing our individual healing work. As we come out of fight/ flight/ freeze and move into life with a more regulated nervous system, we are delighted and amazed at what opens up for us.
Our Sunday free community class is a wonderful opportunity to connect in a “safe enough” environment and explore these inquiries within ourselves and with each other. You are welcome to join us!