Survival Responses and Boundaries

In a healthy relationship, both people act like adults. They take equal responsibility for their emotional reactions, and talk things out rather than acting things out. 

The reality of both individuals is equally honored. It is a form of emotional abuse to not validate another person’s perception. The extreme form of this is gaslighting. More common is the assumption “I am right and you are wrong”.

“We need to manage our own anxiety and self-regulation so we can tolerate saying and listening to challenging information.” Dr Kay Vogt

People who are not emotionally regulated are less likely to respect boundaries. When we are not emotionally well regulated,  we are less likely to respect the boundaries other people set, and  are less able to set and maintain our own boundaries.

We need healthy boundaries to communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors, state our needs, create clarity, and to feel comfortable saying no and hearing no without taking it personally.

Learning when to say no and when to say yes is an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others. Based on our past experience with people, we might be afraid someone will be mad at us if we set a boundary or share how we really feel.

Dysfunctional emotional patterns from families are repeated and not called out because we want love, approval, appreciation and not conflict. We are often unconsciously complicit in keeping the dysfunction going. Our anxiety is that others would leave us if we are authentic.

Have you used or heard these examples of healthy boundaries?

Please respect my decision.

I don’t feel comfortable sharing with you because you tend to tell me what’s best for me instead of listening.

This is what’s healthy for me. (say no without apologizing or over explaining) 

When we have a disagreement, I’d like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you feel you’re getting too heated.  I will also say when I’m uncomfortable.

Please back up (to a distance of six feet when you’re in public).

Call before you stop by for a visit.

I understand that you don’t like my boundary. Setting this limit helps me feel safer in our relationship.

We move up and down the polyvagal ladder all the time. When our neuroception assesses low or no immediate threat, we are able to rest in ventral vagal, feeling trust and connection. Otherwise we might disconnect and move into a shut down or freeze response (parasympathetic), or mobilize into sympathetic (fight/flight).

Our sympathetic nervous system at its most activated can ignite fear and aggression as the brain perceives and responds to threat. 

Our parasympathetic nervous system returns the mind and body to calm and homeostasis. When it is most activated we can go into  freeze/shut down.

Healthy relationships only happen in ventral vagal, a state of trust and connection.

Regulate your nervous system through breathing, tapping, and other grounding and awareness tools to have at least a foot in ventral vagal. When you’re feeling fairly regulated try these inquiries.

I can survive the discomfort of setting boundaries with ___________

I can survive their disapproval if _____ is angry with me, or they try to manipulate me into caving in.

As you inquire, remember to keep coming back to regulation. With your eyes open, look at the images like they are in a frame on the wall opposite you, and take your eyes around the empty space. You are not there. You are here in this moment inquiring.

Heart Centered Boundary Somatic Inquiry

Bring to mind a situation where your boundaries were crossed. Let it fully form using your senses, including sight, sound, aromas etc.

What parts come up? Please/appease? Fight? Flee? Shut down? 

Use grounding and orienting practices to self-regulate: hold your own hands, aware of your seat and feet, use your eyes to notice cues of safety.

Sense into feeling shut-down or in freeze as you respond to the situation where your boundary was crossed. Visualize and practice saying no while in freeze.

Now move to sympathetic arousal as you respond to the situation where your boundary was crossed. Visualize and practice saying no while angry.

Come back into ventral vagal, calm and trust. What is it like to say no from here?

Can you use your anger energy while still being heart centered and self-regulated?

How did your felt experience differ saying no from the vagal states of freeze, anger, and regulated in ventral? How did it feel in your body? Energetically? Mentally?

This month in our Sunday free community class we are focusing on somatic mindfulness in relationships. You are welcome to join us. The first twenty minutes of class is education and inquiry based on what we cover in my weekly blog. We break out into small groups of 3 or 4 people to practice somatic mindfulness together for a half hour, then return to the main group to share. If you’re looking for a safe-enough community to practice authenticity and connect with, this might be it!