We can’t change the past. We can’t transform our parents into lovingly supporting us. If they have done their own work, that’s a bonus.

We ourselves can take on the job of extending empathy and supporting ourselves. We can stop the inner critic attacks.

We can learn to be consistently reliable and kind to ourselves. We can be the “good enough” parent we didn’t have.

Who can you invite to be on your side? To support and encourage you? To provide unconditional love and encouragement?

Visualize your inner nurturing community in a semi circle around you. They are kind and honest and supportive. They have your back.

Invite the inner critic into the circle. We are listening to your concerns. What is it I need to know? Why are you here?

I’m On My Own Side

What would have to change for this to be more true?

• Know who I am

• Nurture a connected, empathetic relationship with my mind, body and breath

• Stop shaming and criticizing myself so I can

• Respect, accept, and honor myself

What does my heart know?

As my mind quiets, I become more comfortable with the energy in my heart.

My adult self is present and supports traumatized parts that are still experiencing fear without trying to avoid or “fix”.

I come back to witness consciousness, present to myself, my whole body, breath, energy.

I rest in the heart and listen.

Just the presence of consciousness is a healing force.” Michael Singer

It doesn’t work to protect ourselves by armoring up and closing our heart. By being present with and witnessing our heart, we develop strength and steadiness. We feel our emotions and they move through. We’re no longer scared of the content of our heart.

“The root of the mind is the heart.

How do you then work with this heart? Relax. You literally work with it like a mother would work with a child. You hold it. You be loving.

You don't expect other people to do that. It doesn't work. You have to do that.

You have to bring that love, perseverance, strength, and consciousness to the heart and you will find, and this is like a miracle, that if you just be there with it, that it will heal.” Michael Singer

“Your mind will not let you accept life as it is. Your mind talks about a lot of things and most of the things it talks about are things that bother it, or it thinks can hurt it, or it thinks it will go wrong, and it's just in there constantly talking.” Michael Singer

"We need to prioritize our social relationships like our life depends on it, because it does." Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad

The science is clear. Social isolation and loneliness are hard on our health and life span.

We can feel alone in a group or happy on our own so it’s more than physical proximity. What are some factors to consider?

Being in survival responses of fight/ flight/ freeze kills intimacy

When we’re in fight, people are scared of us and protect themselves from our anger

When we’re in flight, we’ve emotionally left the building

When we’re in freeze, we’re numb and disconnected

don’t you imagine the leaves think how comfortable it will be to touch the earth instead of the nothingness of air and the endless freshets of wind? From Song for Autumn, Mary Oliver

At times I long for the comfort of touching the earth instead of being buffeted around by the reality and intensity of the world. My heart feels too heavy. Life feels like a lot. I’m tired. I want everyone’s suffering to end and I want ease.

Breathing plays a profound role in our health.

Breathing interventions are relatively easy to learn, may be done at any time, and can help restore balance.

The autonomic nervous system will not allow us to relax our vigilance while our breathing is rapid and shallow, or while we’re holding our breath. Often accompanied by tension in our body, this breathing pattern sends a strong signal to our nervous system that we are in danger.

We can do practices to change this and allow our breath to signal safety and make our neuroception (perception of safety and danger) more accurate.

Strong social connections and a supportive social network contribute to a fulfilling and satisfying life. Social Health is an essential component of overall well-being, as it influences mental, emotional, and physical health.

We have all experienced feeling and acting with courage

We have all experienced backing down or being disappointed in ourselves

What gets in the way of being more consistently courageous?

I am listening with the intent to get to know someone

I am listening somatically to more deeply know myself

I listen to understand, not in preparation to respond

I will remain aware of where I am on the polyvagal ladder and come back

Do you cycle between thinking “it’s not so bad” and “this isn’t working, I need to go”? Maybe you are pretending to yourself that they can and want to change. Just because you treat people with respect and try to be kind, does not mean everyone has that value or the capacity.

We learn to read our parents because our survival depends on it. Codependency is emotional. I’m very worried about what you’re feeling. I take responsibility for your feelings and try to cajole you into a better mood because my survival depends on your good will towards me and I need your protection.

People who are not emotionally regulated are less likely to respect boundaries. When we are not emotionally well regulated, we are less likely to respect the boundaries other people set, and are less able to set and maintain our own boundaries.

We can sharpen our neuroception and we can build strength and resilience. We can continue to bring compassion and kindness to our relationship with ourselves. From this strong foundation, we can act.

Most troubling thoughts are generated by the nervous system trying to keep us safe.

The main practice of working with witnessing thoughts is to increase the accuracy of our perception of the safety and danger in our present moment situation. We learn about how thought works generally and our own patterns specifically.

Somatic Mindfulness works with our body as it signals danger through sensation. We listen to our body to learn:

When did I tighten up and why?

What specifically was happening at the time that I perceived as a threat and that activated hypervigilance?

Can I stay present in my body and with my breath?

Can I stay connected with myself, maintain self-regulation, and awareness of my adult self?