Where Do You Have Agency?

When we are in a survival response of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn, we lose our agency. We need to clearly see, feel, and be able to admit to ourselves that we are being diminished and can address it.

Somatic mindfulness inquiry, and planning ahead for what we might face, support us in coming back to self-regulation and developing a steady confidence before and as we act.

“Come back into the breath and remember you’re in a body.

Feel what's going on in the body, and for a moment breathe and notice. Where do I have agency right now?

Take a moment to remember I'm in the body, because there's so much that moves us away from the body. Certainly a lack of safety will do that for folks.” Michelle C Johnson

We need to come back into our body to know and then express what we need to the other person (if safe).

We need a wider window of tolerance and safety to be able to exercise our agency and express anger directly to the person who is abusing us (if safe).

If you’re yelling at me or otherwise showing contempt or being abusive, I have the agency and the right to walk away, to ignore you, and to set boundaries to take care of myself.

When the diminishment or control is not as blatant and is subtle, it can be more difficult to address it with people. We (or they) might make excuses and gaslight ourselves about the validity of what we’re experiencing. They might make fun of us for over-reacting or being “ too sensitive”. Our inner critic might do the same, or we might be activated into fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn and find ourselves unable to act in our own best interests.

Our past experience of being bullied or shamed increases the fear we feel, and reduces our window of tolerance for standing our ground. With time and practice, we can build or rebuild our resilience and capacity to take action.

“My inner child had been perpetually hiding, petrified in fear, waiting to see if my maturing adult self would ever take a stance of personal power and assertiveness.

Would my adult self ever learn how to say no to abuse? Would they ever learn to stand up for the child in me?” The Tao of Fully Feeling, Pete Walker

We can move from

I don’t know what to say, I feel overwhelmed, I am powerless

to taking action and expressing our agency

I will listen to my heart, I can take action, I will step up and do what I can

It helps when we understand our nervous system. Going along to get along, or compliance, are survival strategies that are useful and may be necessary at least in the short term. Our perception of threat is an unconscious process. It’s not fair to shame ourselves for that.

We can sharpen our neuroception and we can build strength and resilience. We can continue to bring compassion and kindness to our relationship with ourselves. From this strong foundation, we can act.

Join us Sundays to explore and inquire together in our free community class. We inquire then share with each other. Click here for details.