When our experiences with anger have never allowed us to feel and express it safely, we suppress it. Children can’t afford to turn against their parents so we turn against ourselves.

Feeling our emotions is different from expressing them. Expressing them to ourselves is different from expressing them to the person we are angry with.

Can you afford to get mad about being hurt? Intimidated? Gaslit? Shamed? Ignored or abandoned? We might not have a felt sense that the answer to that question is different now than when we were a child.

“The death of having a positive relationship with yourself is one of the worst losses.” Pete Walker

What would your life have been like if you had been lucky enough to have been raised in a family of good enough parents? Would you be in the same career or followed your passion into something else? What would your relationships be like? Your health? Friendships?

“Maintain your awareness in the heart center in a soft and nurturing way. Remain aware of the external environment but without reaction to it or thought about it.” Swami Veda

Our unconscious patterns of protection disconnect us from this warm, loving energy and from kindness and compassion that we might show other people but not ourselves. Healing happens over time as we bring kindness back into our heart.

“The death of having a positive relationship with yourself is one of the worst losses.” Pete Walker

What would your life have been like if you had been lucky enough to have been raised in a family of good enough parents? Would you be in the same career or followed your passion into something else? What would your relationships be like? Your health? Friendships?

Perfectionism is a trauma response that can arise as an attempt to gain approval from critical or neglectful parents. In fact, you do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved. You have a right to make mistakes, and mistakes do not make you a mistake. Instead of berating yourself, use your mistakes as an opportunity to practice loving yourself.

You wake up feeling anxious and mentally review your day. There is nothing in particular to be anxious about.

You hear a loud voice a few aisles over at the store and you flinch then hold your breath. You look over and it’s clear there is no danger to you, yet your heart is beating faster than usual and it takes several minutes to calm yourself.

You see a look of disgust on someone’s face and you immediately flush with shame.

I arrived in Nova Scotia to begin life as a single person. I was happy to be moving forward with healing after leaving my 30 year unhappy relationship. I was grateful to be moving into closer connection with my son and family and I became an integral part of life with them instead of an occasional visitor. For the first several years I lived here I walked on the beach at least once a week and for the last three, I live where I can see the ocean every time I look out my window.

“Ending the gender binary is a world without gender policing, where people are able to look like they want and love like they want, because it’s their life and their body. We have to look at how we’ve outsourced that ownership to other people, to culture, and to identity.” Alok Vaid-Menon

We are all conditioned by our culture to believe certain ideas about ourselves, each other, and how the world “should be”. We know from our experience that we are included when we “fit” or fall into line, and excluded and shamed when we don’t. To add to the difficulty, we compare ourselves to a fantasy, a Disney Channel idea of life, where it all works out and we die at peace in our sleep at eighty surrounded by loving family and friends.

“This is an event in the past. I am grounded in this moment and witnessing how it is coming through in the present.”

Trauma is stored in our body as sensation or energy along with associated memories. We stored it in our body because we were overwhelmed at the time. When people have support to process and release the effects of a traumatic event when it happens, it moves through and leaves less of an imprint.

Accepting people as they are is complex and nuanced. They did the best they could from the level of consciousness they were at then. It’s easy to say statements like these and like all cliche’s, they hold some truth.

“When we know better, we do better.” Maya Angelou

We enjoy being with people who are calm and relaxed, interested in engaging with us, and are fun to be around. When we’re in fight/ flight/ freeze, we just aren’t that much fun to be with. We long for connection but when we don’t feel safe enough to relax, that doesn’t happen. When we disconnect from ourselves, we also lose connection with others.

Can I trust you with my body? Will you hurt me? Will I be safe?

Can I trust you with my heart? Are you mean at times, or are you reliably kind?

Can I trust you to not betray my confidences? To not gossip about me?

“I doThe Work that Reconnects so that when things fall apart, we won’t turn on each other. ” Joanna Macy

“The central question is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear but how we relate to discomfort. Every day we could ask ourselves: Am I going to add to the aggression in the world? Am I going to practice peace or am I going to war?” Pema Chodron

When people around you are in an uproar, there has been a flood or school shooting and you are feeling heartsick with grief, when people close to you are anxious, try to not add to the chaos. Steady yourself. Come back into your body, breathe, and let yourself become still.

To develop a strong resilient nervous system, children need to be around adults who are grounded and well-regulated. Babies need to co-regulate in order to develop neural networks for trust and connection. Attachment parenting emphasizes empathy and responsiveness to the child, as well as bodily closeness and skin-to-skin touch with babies.

Objectification is when we use another person as a way to fill our needs. This isn’t the interaction with others that happens all the time. We are lonely, call a friend and feel better just by feeling understood. They do the same.

“Without a clear and present focus on the body, trauma cannot be addressed.” Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother’s Hands. Like many others, I have been more deeply engaged in racial justice and anti-racism since the murder of George Floyd in May landed with a sickening thud in my body.

Don’t get between a mother bear and her cubs! Her protection is swift and merciless. If she sees you as a threat, she takes you out. Our fierce inner protector has more options than the mama bear standing on her hind legs and roaring her warning. How does safety work in modern life?

This study is one of the largest investigations ever conducted (mid 90’s) to assess associations between childhood maltreatment and later-life health and well-being. It has since been studied in several states with similar results and they are continuing to follow the original participants.

I am a small-town girl from Saskatchewan, a prairie province in Canada that most people wouldn’t know how to pronounce let alone know where it is. I grew up in a home where I was well cared for physically. No one screamed at or ridiculed us. Neither of my parents struggled with addiction to alcohol or drugs. There was no physical or sexual abuse. I was never afraid for my physical safety and I never witnessed violence at home.