Angering
“The practice of feeling has taught me that there is absolutely nothing inside myself from which I need to run.” Pete Walker
This has come to be my experience too. In our culture and families, we are shamed for being human and having a range of emotions. We learn to suppress strong emotions, especially anger, when they are not welcome.
No child is born knowing how to self-regulate emotionally. It’s not in our brain hardware. This is something we develop over time through our experiences. When we have well-regulated adults, we feel safe and become comfortable with feeling and expressing a range of emotions. When this was not our experience, we have some work to do now.
We risk acting out unconsciously when we are unwilling to feel our emotions. Healing is a process that begins with coming out of our head and into our body. In this Sunday’s community class we’ll do a guided somatic (body) anger inquiry together.
Denied emotions taint our thoughts with worry, self-doubt and self-criticism. Uncried tears and inverted anger trap our fear and shame inside us leading to sarcasm, being critical, and other common unconscious expressions of anger that lead others to distrust and dislike us.
It is healthy to feel bad and guilty about our destructive displays of anger. Why do we erupt? We’re not sure we can survive feeling the rawness and intensity inside so we find a way to not feel. A fight response is a reactive, nervous system, primitive brain attempt to protect ourselves – we are emotionally flooded, disconnected from ourselves, and avoid feeling our hurt under the anger.
When we express anger in ways that scare or hurt people, their unconscious nervous system response is that we are dangerous and a threat to avoid. This is the last thing we want. Developing resilience and a well-regulated nervous system does take time and there are effective ways to calm explosive anger.
Sublimation is when we consciously channel angry energy into playful or constructive activities like dance, exercise, cleaning, gardening. Put on some music. Do a strong workout at the gym or go for a long walk. Shake your body. Vigorous activity can release some of the pent-up energy and relieve emotional flooding.
Pete Walker uses shadowboxing to defend against attacks from childhood. Bring yourself back into the situation mentally then change the outcome. By defending ourself in the present, we remind our inner child that no one will ever be allowed to hit us again without our adult self physically resisting them.
Many of us don’t have experience with feeling anger and emotion and the actual sensation of that in our bodies because we don’t have practice staying with them. There are two parts to becoming more familiar with anger energy. When we feel the physical sensations of anger in our body, we stop it from recycling and intensifying with justifying thoughts that eventually lead to suppression or explosion.
First we use grounding and orienting with our eyes open to stay emotionally well-regulated in the safety in this present moment. We bring up feelings of anger around a specific person or experience and bring it to life in our mind.
In part one, we stay focused on the sensations and energy in our body. A first step is to notice if the energy feels like it wants to hurt you. Stored trauma is painful and scary. We often associate that with bad intentions so it’s good to clear that up at the start. These sensations and energy are here to protect us and sometimes to warn us of danger. It is a way our non-verbal nervous system communicates with us.
Next, we locate and describe body sensations. Is the sensation hot or cold? Still or moving? Where exactly is it? If it’s centered in a churning gut, does it expand out into our chest or into our arms and legs? Notice the space around the sensation. Stay connected with your breath.
For intrusive thoughts, use grounding tools to stay present in this moment. You could tap on your forehead, bringing your attention to the sound and sensation of the tapping. Put the angry words or images into a frame and let your eyes move around the empty space on the outside of the frame a few times in each direction. Right now, we’re not following a train of thoughts. We want to keep our attention on feeling the sensations and energy in our body.
Pay attention to the sensation at the same time as knowing you are safe in the present moment, then notice what your body instinctively wants to do. Keep your eyes open and let your body move in slow motion. You might make a fist and bring your arm up or kick. Follow the cues of your body and make the motions slowly, so your nervous system has time to register the actions. Come back to resting, breathing, and noticing sensations and energy. What does your body want to do now? Focus on the changing sensations and feelings in your body.
Part one is a complete inquiry on it’s own, and one that is helpful to come back to again and again. We get to know and release nonverbal stored trauma out of our body and complete the actions we couldn’t before. We have the direct experience that there is nothing to fear. We take it slow, keeping oriented to the safety in the present moment. This is a step we may need help with from a friend, therapist or someone to help us stay grounded.
Part two is where we focus on the energy or sensation and listen. Why is it here? What does it want me to know?
Pay attention to justifying thoughts coming in as you stay with your breath. Don’t let yourself spiral into a stream of angry thoughts. Observe one thought at a time as you feel the energy of each in your body. It will help to tap, put the thought in a frame, focus shift etc to stay present in your body.
Thoughts arising from stored trauma can drag us back into the past where we feel helpless and angry. Our practice here is to witness thoughts from the safety of this moment where we are an adult and we are safe.
Stay with each thought/energy, letting them know they are welcome here. Are there other emotions here as well? Follow the flow of feeling.
These are powerful practices to work with safely allowing ourselves to fully feel what we couldn’t afford to feel before. It’s helpful to work with a guided practice or have someone with you. Emotional regulation means we are able to see and come out of a fight response to welcome and safely work with our feelings. It takes practice and develops over time.
As we are able to metabolize anger, we are also able to feel joy and a broad range of human emotion. This work helps us come alive.