Can I Trust You?

Can I trust you with my body? Will you hurt me? Will I be safe?

Can I trust you with my heart? Are you mean at times, or are you reliably kind?

Can I trust you to not betray my confidences? To not gossip about me?

Will you have my back and stand up for me? Will you care about me?

Will you turn on me when you’re in fight response? Will you run away?

Do you feel & show contempt for me?

Can I be honest and authentic with you? Do you “get me”? 

Can we relax and have fun together?

This week in our Sunday community class, we are exploring trusting others.

Shame plays a role – it limits our capacity to risk authenticity for fear of being abandoned. We are vulnerable to other people’s unreliable attachment styles and dysregulated nervous systems, and we think it is only about us. We take it personally when often it is not. 

We both long for and are wary of close, trusted connection. It is both scary and thrilling. What does my nervous system reaction have to say? Do I go into fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn around you? Can we co-regulate together into a felt sense of trust, calm and excitement to be with each other?

How much does my comfort or discomfort with you relate to my childhood and previous experiences. How much of my perception of threat or safety in the present moment is colored by the past?

Am I avoiding you or drawn to you because you remind me of someone? Do I unconsciously want a re-do of a previous unresolved relationship?

How far do I want to go out of my comfort zone? Is the challenge of connection with this particular person worth it to me? 

This is my life and nervous system. I can be kind and compassionate no matter what I decide – to move closer or to move back. I owe honesty to myself. I need to be on my own side and honor my own needs.

As I develop a deeper trust and connection with myself, I am also able to more consistently offer attuned empathy and respect to others. This is the gold standard in friendships. Neither of us has to be perfect. We can blow it sometimes and make a repair. We cultivate maturity and kindness with ourselves and each other.