What I Wish You Knew

We enjoy being with people who are calm and relaxed, interested in engaging with us, and are fun to be around. When we’re in fight/ flight/ freeze, we just aren’t that much fun to be with. We long for connection but when we don’t feel safe enough to relax, that doesn’t happen. When we disconnect from ourselves, we also lose connection with others.

“The effect of trauma is that we disconnect from ourselves, our sense of value, and the present moment.” Dr Gabor Maté

Our primitive brain and nervous system have one priority – to keep us alive. Our brain continually scans our environment through our vision and other senses, and we pay more attention to cues of danger than safety. Our past experience sensitizes us. Even siblings raised in the same family have different experiences and outcomes. People get frustrated with us that we are always “overreacting”. Why can’t we just let the past be in the past?

Neuroception is a term researcher Dr Stephen Porges introduced to identify our unconscious perception of safety and danger. The important word here is unconscious. Our nervous system is activated or “triggered” when our primitive brain detects danger. This happens much more quickly than our higher level brain can assess. When we sense a physical or social threat, we are flooded with cortisol and adrenaline so we can respond immediately to perceived danger.

We use every experience we have ever had to assess threat. For our whole life, we remember we can avoid burning our hand by not touching fire and won’t be run over if we look both ways before we step into the street. Our brain is good at assessing this type of predictable physical threat. Fire will always burn us.

Our brain is not as good at accurately assessing nuanced social threat, especially when we have first hand experience that some people hurt us. We know in our conscious mind that not all people who are angry are dangerous but our nervous system reacts as though they are.

I know I need to meet new people but I have social anxiety. I signed up for a book club at the library but when I pulled up and parked, I couldn’t make myself get out of the car. I gave up and drove home, frustrated and angry with myself.

I know you’re not mad at me but when you use that tone of voice to express your frustration, it reminds me of when my mom used to scream at me. I realize it’s not fair to you but I can’t help feeling anxious.

I was looking forward to being with family during the holidays but when I walked in to see Uncle Roger in the kitchen with a drink in his hand, I panicked and went into freeze. When I was 13 he touched my breasts then warned me not to tell anyone. Years later I told you, but you still invite him for holidays. He’s having a great time but I just can’t relax when he’s here.

Our perception of danger is strengthened when we also have direct experience that backs up our conditioning. If you grew up in a family with addiction or violence, you never relax even when things are going well, because you know from experience that it could change in an instant.

Our nervous systems have a negativity bias and our perception of safety and threat is based on conditioning and evidence. It takes time for our conscious brain to come online and we remember to breathe, hold our own hands, or do one of the grounding and orienting practices below. This is why somatic (body) mindfulness is so important. We notice early warning signs, like holding our breath or clenching our teeth, and we can intervene early before we are emotionally flooded and heading into a state of panic.

Emergency Practices for a Quick Reset

We are in complex social and personal relationships, often with people who share intergenerational trauma. They may be people we love and we want them to be happy. Someone who goes into a fight response might be frustrated with another family member who refuses to engage (flight or freeze). People who want to keep the peace dread being around the one who is always poking the bear. The reassurance we desperately need might not be available to us.

The first thing to do when someone’s primitive brain takes over is to regulate our own nervous system. Take a few deep breaths. Go for a short walk or leave. This is especially challenging right now because we are all so stressed and exhausted. No one is as resilient as usual. Family dynamics are changing and people we could count on are themselves struggling or missing.

What can we do when we’re all struggling?

Learn about trauma and our nervous systems. My free e-book Healing Ordinary Trauma is succinct and helpful. Sign up on my website – top right of the home age.

Practice emotional self-regulation to strengthen your nervous system and become more resilient.

Take steps to heal from your past, through somatic (body) mindfulness and other ways.

Remind ourselves that other people’s nervous systems are not our responsibility or our fault. We can work at not taking their responses personally.

Think ahead before you go into social situations. Who will be at the gathering? What are the likely dynamics? Will people be drinking? That can make people more volatile. Will you feel comfortable and included? Could you bring a friend? Could you talk over your concerns with the host ahead of time? This is especially difficult with families who may be resistant to change and an honest discussion can potentially help. There might be other options to get together in smaller groups or in different ways than you have in the past.

Do a slow motion dress rehearsal ahead of time so you can work with what might trigger you. You visualize pulling up to the house and notice you’re holding your breath. Pause and use the tools like tapping, tracing and being with sensation and energy to regulate your nervous system. Once you feel steady again, move on to the next steps and do the same.

Come back to kindness and understanding for ourselves and others. Life is hard, especially right now. Many people are in a struggle within themselves and with others.

I wish you knew …

I can’t help how my nervous system assesses threat. This is unconscious and is based on my life experiences.

How it feels inside when I feel judged and shamed.

I am working as hard as I can on healing.

I try to think ahead to what might be hard for me and I don’t always get it right.

Sometimes I am surprised and hijacked into a fight response and I say things I regret. I know how I act is my responsibility.

I wish we could connect and have each other’s back.

I know this is hard for you too.

I am working with cultivating patience and compassion for myself and for you.