Welcoming and Freeing Ourselves
“Ending the gender binary is a world without gender policing, where people are able to look like they want and love like they want, because it’s their life and their body. We have to look at how we’ve outsourced that ownership to other people, to culture, and to identity.” Alok Vaid-Menon
We are all conditioned by our culture to believe certain ideas about ourselves, each other, and how the world “should be”. We know from our experience that we are included when we “fit” or fall into line, and excluded and shamed when we don’t. To add to the difficulty, we compare ourselves to a fantasy, a Disney Channel idea of life, where it all works out and we die at peace in our sleep at eighty surrounded by loving family and friends.
What do we do with the parts of ourselves that don’t match that ruthless ideal? Fitting in is literally a survival level need, especially for children. We repress unwelcome parts and only later realize the cost of being disconnected from ourselves and others.
True acceptance is when we can relax and share without fear of reprisal and when we don’t feel pressure from ourselves or from others to change ourselves to fit in. We find others who enjoy us as we are.
We heal both inside of us and in community. Finding our people is an important search and foundation for knowing ourselves to be valid human beings. As much as we need to know and love ourselves, we need that reflected back to us from others.
Who would I be if I was free from conditioning and society’s norms?
Would I wear dresses or suits, color or monochrome?
Would I take my larger body to the beach or gym without apology for my size?
Would my gender identity and sexual orientation be what they are now if all possibilities were open to me?
Would I feel emotion and cry without concern for what others think?
Would I take that water color class or learn pole dancing?
Would I enjoy my desire and sexuality in whatever form it comes?
Would I love myself so thoroughly that I would be able to pull back from shaming myself?
With consistent kindness and compassion, our inner critic finally gives up and our anxiety lessens.
It is possible for everyone to heal the nervous system enough that we are no longer on red alert most of the time. We learn to relax our tight body and to nourish ourselves with our breath.
We can explore what we like and don’t like, and set our own course with people we enjoy.
Is it possible to stay present and not repress anything? Yes, because when we stop comparing and shaming ourselves, everything is allowed.
Could we accept and nurture our own unique person and way of being in the world? Yes!
This dread of what we’ll find inside of ourselves comes partly from culture. We fear that what we discover will be ugly and dirty and that our worst fears will be true.
We also may be reluctant to tap into the energy in our body because it is stored trauma from a time when we felt hurt and overwhelmed. The disconnection from ourselves is a result of trauma. We are avoiding pain. It takes courage to take a deep breath and get to know ourselves.
In my personal experience and that of many others, we find inside a sweet hurt inner child waiting to be seen and reassured that they are no longer on their own. We bring our more resourced adult self to the task of connecting and healing. We stop living in fear and begin to relish the possibilities.
What do we do with this freedom? It is ours to choose!
Our theme in March and April is Happy Healthy Mind. We’ll look into self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-parenting, what to do when the brain itself isn’t functioning well, and how positive psychology and somatic therapy are changing our brains and minds.