Why do we minimize our own trauma?

We compare and see our trauma as less than other people’s

Why do we compare and try to one-up other people’s trauma?

We don’t want to believe it could happen to us so we blame them

Why do other people dismiss us?

Don’t be silly. You’re exaggerating. It won’t happen to you. We protest. You don’t know that. Bad things happen all the time!

Our predictive brain, with its negativity bias, tries to apply what it knows to other situations. If this bad thing could happen in this situation then ...

Are you anxious or terrified while driving? Have you stopped driving because it feels unsafe?

Fears and beliefs arise from our direct and indirect experiences. There are many ways to support ourselves in healing driving anxiety.

We can explore the exact thoughts and feelings causing the anxiety, and calm ourselves enough to safely drive again.

Our culture is fond of phrases like Just Do It! When we’re dealing with social anxiety and other types of fear, this is counter productive and shaming.

Our nervous system predicts safety and danger and generates survival responses based on our experience. We can hold ourselves with patience and kindness and also take steps to heal.

A fawning response is a submissive and excessively flattering reply or reaction to someone in a position of authority or perceived higher status. It can be seen as insincere or overly deferential, and may be used as a way to seek favor or avoid criticism. Fawning responses include flattery, compliments, or excessive agreement with the other person's opinions or actions.

We need direct experiences that it is okay to be present to our lives and our feelings. This is what updates our previous conditioning that it is not safe to be here.

Escape or flight takes many forms. We may be addicted to food, alcohol and other drugs. Perhaps we get relief using shopping, gambling or overwork. Addiction is a common trauma response and is rampant in our society because it is so effective in helping us escape.

Someone who is emotionally flooded into a fight response can be scary to be around. Lashing out verbally or physically triggers fear in others. We walk on eggshells to not set them off.

The brain likes electrical stimulation and feeds on anger like kindling. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and scared, someone in a fight response feels like they are taking action and protecting themselves.

We all move up and down the polyvagal ladder, and we usually have a go-to response based on childhood conditioning. Our nervous system assesses threat and the best option for survival, sending us into one of these protective strategies. Each form of protection has advantages and disadvantages.

Freeze can look like numb, disconnected, and hunkered down for safety. Freeze takes the edge off of painful, overwhelming experiences. We might hold our breath to avoid notice. We disconnect from others. It’s safer “in here”.

Working with the five koshas, we relax our body, our breath becomes diaphragmatic and smooth, and we work more skillfully with thoughts in the lower level of the mind (mostly generated by hypervigilance). This opens the doorway to our intuitive wisdom, and to deep layers of peace in the vast silence of the mind.

In this stillness, we develop the capacity to be aware of the ever-present Witness, the part of our being that is ever pure, ever wise, ever free.

Cyclic Physiological Sighing is two nasal inhales to lungs full, followed by a full exhale to lungs empty, via the mouth, pursing your lips as though you are breathing out through a thin straw.

This research found that cyclic sighing was more effective than meditation or other forms of breathing for reducing stress, improving sleep and heart rate variability and mood.

There are so many experts and they each have their own program and advice. How do I know which is the right method for me?

I’m getting older. How long is this going to take?

Stirring up the past hurts! Is it worth it?

The answers are as varied and complex as the problem.

One: Knowledge of How Trauma Works

Two: Regulating Our Nervous System

Three: Becoming Friends With Our Mind

We relax and release back into our seat of consciousness, and witness the part of us who is complaining about life not being the way we want it to be. We practice letting go of smaller daily irritations to build the resilience and strength we need to handle tougher situations in life. How do we do that? This is where the objective witness comes in.

We’ve all been there. We try to meditate, but our mind gets in the way. We have a predictive brain with a negativity bias that remembers everything bad that ever happened to us. The worry, anxiety and catastrophic thinking that disturb our peace are essentially our nervous system “helpfully” trying to keep us safe.

My meditation skills and yoga philosophy help to heal the layers of fear in the mind, breath and body. Fear for my safety became a huge issue for me the year after the assault and it was not just fear of another assault.

Don’t rush into forgiveness. It is natural to be angry at people who commit violent crimes. They have harmed you and temporarily stolen your health and peace of mind.

Some days people in the office act like we are in Junior High or Middle School. You know, back when the pre-frontal cortex wasn’t fully developed and our decision making was highly influenced by peers, the threat of social shaming, and what could stimulate the most adrenaline in the moment. It happens in families too. We carry our old roles and status into our adult life.

In April 2022, I facilitated a 5 day retreat for women and gender queer artists about sexual health and their relationship with their bodies. Although I have facilitated many retreats, it was my first time in a documentary. The director Amy Trefry and I strategized about how we might support the participants feeling emotionally safe enough to share while being filmed about such a personal topic. It turned out that we didn’t need to worry.

This part, that part. What parts am I afraid of or excited for? Myself at 3, 12, 18 and now. My body, health, and life circumstances. Thoughts about my body, health, and life circumstances. Feelings and sensations in my body when I think about it all. Whew! It’s complicated.

How can I not take it personally when it’s directed at me? People are making assumptions and judging me, often without actually knowing me. There are real life consequences for being judged. The fat person judged as lazy misses out on a job. The charmer gets upgraded to first class. It happens all the time.

Sometimes we feel left out. We’re shy, or the conversation moves on, or we’re with someone charismatic and fascinating and everyone wants to listen to them.

Kindness towards ourselves, and a willingness for reflection and letting in truth, help us make friends with our own mind. What makes being kind with ourselves difficult?

Perfectionism informs our ideas of how we should be. Pushing and shaming ourselves makes positive change harder. It is a relief to become aware of “shoulds” and release the pressure of impossible standards.