3 Foundations of Healing

There are so many experts and they each have their own program and advice. How do I know which is the right method for me? 

I’m getting older. How long is this going to take? 

Stirring up the past hurts! Is it worth it?

The answers are as varied and complex as the problem. There are many tendrils reaching from the past into our present moment. There is good science now about trauma, and there are proven tools to steady ourselves. I am confident that everyone can live with less suffering and more ease and freedom.

One: Knowledge of How Trauma Works

“Trauma is not what happens to us. It is what happens in us as a result of what happens to us. The result of trauma is that we disconnect from ourselves, our sense of value, and the present moment.” Gabor Maté, MD

Traumatic events have a lasting impact on us. We felt hurt, afraid and on our own. This is common in childhood, when our brain is still developing and we have few options. We need people to take care of us. We turn against ourselves, because our best chance for survival is to “fix” things with our parents.

Understanding how trauma works can help us to let go of false core deficiency beliefs that what happened to us was our fault. We cultivate empathy and kindness, and gradually we are able to be more consistently on our own side.

Bad things happened to us. It is a relief to realize that we are not fundamentally bad or broken. We can root out the deep shame that carries limiting beliefs into our adult lives.

Two: Regulating Our Nervous System

Past traumatic events have created habits and strategies of coping and surviving. Our nervous system has a negativity bias, a long memory, and a powerful drive to keep our mammal body alive.

When we are in survival mode, we hold our breath, tighten our body, and react with fight/ flight/ freeze responses. We feel helpless when traumatic memories intrude on the present, and we don’t know how to stop them. Our mind goes into a trance of catastrophic thinking or perfectionism as we try to predict and control the future so we’ll be safer. Worry and anxiety take over our mind. It is a miserable way to live and it drives much of our addiction and disconnection.

Holding our breath is a survival mechanism that helps us hide from predators. When we experience ongoing harm and threat, we walk on eggshells and may develop an unconscious habit of breath holding, which continuously signals danger to our nervous system. This increases hypervigilance, which in turn makes us more alarmed. Our survival strategies intensify.

Alternatively, we practice softening the muscles of our body and allowing smooth, continuous diaphragmatic breath, signaling safety to our nervous system. Our level of hypervigilance decreases, and we become more accurate in our perception of present moment safety and danger.

The sense of danger that keeps us in fight/ flight/ freeze is mostly historical. We are reacting as if we have no agency and no adult resources. This is no longer true.

Three: Becoming Friends With Our Mind

We can’t access self-compassion when we are in the survival modes of fight/ flight/ freeze. This is part of why it is so important to practice nervous system regulation. We can all do this. Join my daily practice at 8AM Eastern every day. Listen to guided practices on Insight Timer or YouTube. If all you do is learn how to breathe diaphragmatically, that alone will have a lasting and beneficial impact on your life and happiness.

When we are calm and steadier, we see more clearly and realize we are not to blame for our childhood or our unconscious survival strategies. We see through core deficiency beliefs. We begin to stand up against a mean inner critic that harasses us into a shame storm.

We develop confidence in grounding and orienting tools that help us emotionally self-regulate in the present moment. Through mindfulness, we see sooner when traumatic memory is taking us into the past, and we know how to return to the safety in this moment.

We begin to develop a willingness to welcome all of what is here. We inhabit our body in a friendlier way. We are no longer so frightened of stored trauma, and are drawn to connect with the scared hurt parts of us.

Mindfulness Healing Practices

Life is hard. Yes. It is also true that we are not helpless. We can understand the basics of trauma, practice lowering the level of hypervigilance in our nervous system, and cultivate a kind, compassionate relationship with ourselves.

It takes consistency to apply what we know, and to keep bringing ourselves back into the present moment. In myself and people I work with, I’ve found that these foundational steps are effective to heal and reduce suffering. We’re more rested. We are creative, more trusting, and able to connect.

We will experience some residual effects from previous trauma. Sometimes we go into fight/ flight/ freeze. That’s normal. As we heal, we find it doesn’t last as long, and it isn’t as intense. We have more direct experience of safety, and our system integrates that knowing too.

Where does this leave us? We understand how trauma works, we’re calmer, and we are building resilience in our nervous system. These two foundational pieces are pretty straight forward and resources are easy to find.

How do we become a true friend to ourselves? This area of healing is complex and nuanced. How deep we go and our pace are highly individual.

A Safe Healing Environment

“Safety IS the treatment.” Dr Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Institute

We heal when we come out of fight/ flight/ freeze and are in ventral vagal, a mindbody state of connection, calm and trust. We regulate our nervous system. We access a felt sense of safety in the present moment. We widen our window of tolerance, become proficient in grounding and orienting back to the present, and develop a more accurate assessment of threat.

Do we also need to do something deeper to release the repressed emotion and store trauma? It is always important to get to the point where traumatic memory is not flooding us. Our lives are too difficult when we are being hijacked by inaccurate perception driven by long ago dangers. Most of us need help with this.

In my experience, to be free and happy we have to release and move some of that stored trauma out of our body. When we heal some of the habits of the nervous system, like holding our breath that continuously signals danger to ourselves, we open up space to enjoy a satisfying life.

We lean in and take a step back. As Deb Dana advises, we “keep a toe in ventral vagal”. We are able to come back into self-regulation. It is important to pause and let healing permeate our entire mindbody system. 

We feel a sense of urgency because we are suffering and want to feel better. At the same time, we feel inspired and energized by our success. We’ve been doing yoga or Qi Gong, we’re listening to guided relaxations, and we feel calmer. We notice earlier when we’re feeling edgy, remember to do box breathing and hold our own hand. Anxiety loosens its grip. Whew! This too becomes part of our direct experience. There is hope.

Embodied Healing

Our theme this year in the Radical Recovery Summit is embodied healing. The twelve interviews explore a range of possibilities.

Some methods of healing don’t work directly with thought. Sah d’Simone uses high energy movement and mantras. Dr Judith Blackstone developed a facilitated process to follow and release the contracted energy in the fascia of the body where trauma is stored.

Octavia Raheem, Nicole Marcia, and Daniela and Christopher from Yoga Farm, work with healing our mindbody through trauma informed yoga and deep rest.

Dr Les Aria is a pain psychologist who uses Dr Porges Safe and Sound Protocol. Scott Kiloby, the Kiloby Inquiries, works directly with stirring up and releasing repressed trauma that is causing pain in our body.

Dr Gabor Maté and the Holistic Psychologist Dr Nicole help us to understand trauma with practical application to daily life.

We learn about and become familiar with the mechanisms of the mindbody. Our daily life does not have to be so seriously impacted by the intensity of the survival drive, with its negativity bias and long memory that skew our perception of threat and keep us amped up. This primitive system worked thousands of years ago when danger was immediate and physical. It is not well suited to the age of social media and the stress of modern life.

We work with these three foundations: understanding the basics of trauma, regulating the nervous system, and being on our own side. We may find we are surprised into presence, and discover the light and joy of our own true nature.