Fawning, People Pleasing
Fawning is a social survival strategy that has two main levels along a continuum. Appeasing, compliance and the Stockholm Syndrome are in response to a stronger threat. People pleasing and sucking up are a less intense survival response.
Fight/ flight/ freeze are shared with other mammals. Some animals may exhibit submissive or appeasing behavior in the presence of dominant individuals or as a way to avoid conflict. In people, fawning is also used to gain approval and avoid rejection.
A fawning response is a submissive and excessively flattering reply or reaction to someone in a position of authority or perceived higher status. It can be seen as insincere or overly deferential, and may be used as a way to seek favor or avoid criticism. Fawning responses include flattery, compliments, or excessive agreement with the other person's opinions or actions.
Co-operation is different from fawning.
People have social hierarchies and we may willingly cooperate with someone who is in a formal or informal leadership role. When we feel free to express ourselves and contribute, and we are not doing anything against our ethics and values, we like to have allies and be part of a team. There is safety in numbers.
What are the situations where you tend to fawn?
Awareness is the first step in change. Through somatic mindfulness, we become aware earlier of the underlying tension that can lead to fawning, and we notice earlier when we are doing it. We watch for certain phrases we use, tone of voice, and body language.
We might be aware we are complying with something we don’t want, and still be unable in that moment to push back enough against the social pressure and stop fawning. When that happens, we can feel shamed and highly frustrated.
Others can be frustrated and lose respect for us when we comply against our will. We’re seen as weak when in truth we are traumatized, not bad or spineless. Neuroception and survival strategies are in our unconscious. We do not consciously choose them. They happen in response to threat.
What is your early life experience and conditioning?
Were you encouraged to express yourself? Were you made fun of if you spoke up? Were you rewarded for being compliant and helpful? Did you get the silent treatment if you spoke up to a parent?
Most people have at least some false core deficiency beliefs that continue to limit our freedom as adults. If we feel unworthy, it makes sense that we people please to be included.
Can You Afford to Speak Up?
Setting our own course is something that evolves over time and with the felt experience of “safe enough”. We will natural have more agency as our neuroception becomes more accurate in assessing present moment threat and options.
Practicing can help. When you’re frustrated that you said yes when you wanted to say no, practice for what you might do and say next time.
I’ll have to think about it and get back to you.
No (a complete sentence).
Thank you for asking and it’s a no for me.
You can usually revisit your answer. After looking at my schedule, I realize I’m over committed and won’t be able to join you.
Our brain likes to predict. The same people hijack us again and again. Do a slow motion walk-through like we did last week with staying when we have the urge to flight. The urge to fawn has the same origin, and the same grounding tools help. When we are out of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn and we are back in ventral vagal, a state of trust and connect, we know what to do.
What would you say if you felt comfortable enough to be authentic? How much of that would you want to say in this circumstance? The answer might be None! I’m not going to open myself up to ridicule. That will be the best option sometimes and not always. Taking small opportunities to share who we are can reduce feelings of powerlessness and help build confidence that we can speak up.
Shame is always a show stopper.
Shame is meant to immediately correct a behavior that could get us kicked out of our support system and community. Toxic shame makes us feel that WE are wrong or bad.
Do you shame or despise yourself for past fawning? This is what we’re going to explore in our Sunday free community class this week.
Our nervous system made the call and we complied. Now we can look at the elements, sharpen our neuroception, and take back our power. We are not weak. We have survival responses that helped us survive. And, as adults, we can now take a look at our strategies and bring them up to date for our situation now.
Clarity and kindness help us to release shame for our survival responses and open our way to healing.