Social Anxiety
Is this situation really as dangerous as it feels?
Life was hard before Covid and for most of us it is harder now. We face practical challenges like fear of illness and death, jobs, and supply chain issues, and we are struggling with abrupt loss and change, grief, and highly alarmed nervous systems.
Better Safe Than Sorry!
Our hypervigilant nervous system pulls back. Don’t trust people. We have experience with this. Maybe we won’t fit in and we’ll feel uncomfortable. Someone might go off on us in a fight response. They might have Covid. As we isolate to protect ourselves, we are lonelier than ever before.
Fear derails our higher level conscious brain and we are flashed back to feeling powerless. This drives our survival responses of fight/ flight/ freeze/fawn and limits our access to a state of trust and connection within ourselves and with each other. We’ve all seen video clips of a group of predators isolating their prey from the herd. Isolation makes us vulnerable. We feel stronger and we are stronger together.
We live in mammal bodies and we also have higher level brain development, emotions, and a longing for authentic connection and community. Cultivating ongoing long-term connection helps us feel less afraid.
Three Steps to Work With Social Anxiety
We pull up outside of a social get together and can’t make ourselves go in.
We make a last minute excuse instead of meeting friends.
We postpone that trip because of anxiety.
Our culture is fond of phrases like Just Do It! When we’re dealing with social anxiety and other types of fear, this is counter productive and shaming.
Our nervous system predicts safety and danger and generates survival responses based on our experience. We can hold ourselves with patience and kindness and also take steps to heal.
Step One is to build resilience and we can do this in many ways:
Begin with a foundation of calm and strength, so you’re steadier.
Commit to an ongoing mindfulness practice of nervous system regulation
Join us for our daily nervous system regulating practice
Listen to guided practices on apps like Insight Timer
Become familiar with energy and sensations in your body and how to work with them
Learn several effective tools to quickly regulate when you need it: box breathing; tap on the forehead; put an image in a frame and trace the space outside it; focus shift
Support yourself with good nutrition, rest and sleep
Reduce the number of small irritations that sap your energy, like rushing
Don’t listen to a mean inner critic
Have patience and trust that you can notice dysregulation earlier and come back quicker
Step Two is more accurate neuroception
Do a slow-motion walk through, visualizing each step of the upcoming event while using tools to regulate before you move to the next step.
I’m about to leave home to meet with friends and my stomach is in knots
Pause here and look at the images and words - use tools like tapping and tracing. You may have to do this several times until it doesn’t feel as threatening
Work with the sensations and energies in your body - locate and describe, mining
When your breathing has eased and you’re feeling more regulated, move on to visualizing the next step
I’m standing on the door step at my friend’s house, listening to the sounds of the party inside, and I notice I’m holding my breath
Take several deep in breaths and long slow exhales before you ring the bell
The door opens and I look in, seeing several people I don’t know and one person I do who always ignores me, making me feel stupid
I do some tapping then remind myself that I don’t respect this person and their opinion isn’t too important to me - not like when I was a child and was bullied
Visualize positive outcomes
I see the friend who told me they’d meet me there and they turn and smile
I look around the room, noticing a person standing by themselves at the edge of the crowd, looking anxious - I go over and say hello, asking how they know the host. It turns out we have some mutual interests and we enjoy our conversation.
I remember how breathing out longer is calming and I talk in longer sentences
Keep doing this step by step to see what is it that activates anxiety. As you use the tools to come back into regulation, your body will begin to experience that it is not as alarming as your nervous system originally predicted. Doing a slow motion walk through also helps you predict where you might need to bring in other resources.
We might be sure we have our own transportation so we’re not trapped waiting for someone else. We could invite a friend to go with us to the new book club. Perhaps you could call ahead to the host, tell them you’re a bit anxious right now, and ask a few questions about what to expect.
Step Three is to experience connection with other people. This gives our nervous system the direct knowing that although some situations may make us anxious, we receive many benefits as well.
You can do this online, like joining a course that interests you or a virtual book club. Our online Sunday free community class is one place where people listen with open hearts, taking risks to share, and being heard.
You can do this in person. It might be an art class or to volunteer. Who in your area needs help and could give you some safe social contact? Many communities have websites with volunteer opportunities that range from cuddling babies, to helping children read, to staffing local food banks.
What in your local community makes you angry and inspires you? Collective action is a powerful antidote to fear. We learn from each other and we are stronger together. We form bonds based on a common passion for social justice.
I know how hard it is to reach out when we have social anxiety and unhealed trauma that leads us to think we’re better going it alone. Engaging in community with people who share our values builds a stronger, more resilient nervous system individually and collectively. These seemingly small actions add up to a culture of inclusion and more safety.
When our life is full with actions and relationships that are meaningful and valuable, we naturally feel safer. We have more resilience. We don’t go into a spiral or we come out of it sooner. We have people we can turn to who understand and have the same commitment to connection that we do.
Join us this week in our Sunday free community class to inquire, do a slow-motion walk through with regulating tools, and share with others.
This week is part one of three classes on Sharpening Our Neuroception. March 19th is Fear and Dread, and the 26th is Excitement and Happiness.
Click on the picture to listen to this guided somatic inquiry: At Home in My Life