Accepting and understanding the fear
I continue to be willing to stay open and present as much as possible. The assault did happen. I was traumatized. I won’t minimize that. My meditation skills and yoga philosophy help to heal the layers of fear in the mind, breath and body.
Fear for my safety became a huge issue for me the year after the assault and it was not just fear of another assault. I was surprised to find that I was afraid while driving. We rely on the people around us to be sober and paying attention and I couldn’t be sure they were. At any time in a crowd of people, someone could pull a knife on us or shoot us. The presence of a crowd doesn’t guarantee safety. We are really not safe anywhere. We just play the odds. At some level, we all know that we can’t control this process.
The material world is subject to change and dissolution. Yoga philosophy teaches of the fallacy of relying on the ever-changing material world. One of the ways we apply yoga philosophy is to ‘practice’ this awareness in daily life, letting go of attachments to this idea that our happiness depends on arranging external circumstances to our liking.
One question I regularly ask myself is ‘to whom is this happening?’ By keeping this awareness, it helps give me some perspective and a bit of distance. I can observe the effects of the trauma on my body and mind without feeling so ambushed by the survival imperative of the brain and unconscious mind. It helps me to stay in touch with the vast part of the mind that is not full of fear. Part of my healing is to be willing to live with this fear in a more conscious way. I need to both honor and protect myself, and stay open.
Conscious awareness is the key to lifting the fear and the fog. Maintaining awareness as much as we can moment to moment creates an environment for healing.
