Strong back, soft front, wild heart

“Often our so-called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine.

We walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our back, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open. 

How can we give and accept care with strong-back, soft-front compassion, moving past fear into a place of genuine tenderness? I believe it comes about when we can be truly transparent, seeing the world clearly - and letting the world see into us.” Roshi Joan Halifax

“Once we’ve found the courage to stand alone, to say what we believe and do what we feel is right despite the criticism and fear, the wild has marked our hearts.

We can spend our entire live betraying ourself and choosing fitting in over standing alone. But once we’ve stood up for ourself and our beliefs, the bar is higher. A wild heart fights fitting in and grieves betrayal.” Brené Brown

Belonging is a survival level need. Shame and ostracism are cultural tools for excluding people who don’t fit in.

Sometimes this is circumstance. Children who are neurodivergent are bullied. A young queer kid is mocked for being outside the gender binary. A large birth mark on someone’s face makes them vulnerable to being called ugly.

Living our truth can be intentional. We stand up for the one being bullied. We express our gender identity in the face of intolerance and find our people. We cultivate loving our body as it is.

I am re-reading Brene’s wonderful Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. In some ways, the title is my life story. I was bullied and shamed as a teen. In my mid twenties I came out as a lesbian and found “my people”. I leaned in to social justice activism as I both learned my truth and how to speak it.

Coming out in the 70’s was tough. We were scorned and targeted by people in our families and the public. Finding “our people” was essential. It is almost impossible to survive the wilderness alone. These included other 2SLGBTQIA+ people and allies. We didn’t agree on everything. We were a community of wounded people and many were in a fight response that sometimes landed on each other. In contrast to mainstream culture, we did acknowledge our common humanity and right to exist.

“Human approval is one of our most treasured idols, and the offering we must lay at its hungry feet is keeping others comfortable.

Because belonging is so primal, so necessary, the threat of losing your tribe or going alone feels terrifying.” Jen Hatmaker

This month in our Sunday free community classes, we are exploring Braving the Wilderness. This week we’re Braving.

A reverse inquiry is when we say something we would like to be true, and know it isn’t completely, so we can see our unconscious underlying beliefs and resistance.

For the inquiry, bring to mind someone specific for each of these statements.

I can tolerate not being liked 

I can tolerate disappointing people

I value my own integrity and authenticity over keeping others comfortable

Who do you know who embodies this? What do you admire about them? You are not alone in the wilderness.

Think of times when you embody braving the wilderness. Bring it vividly to life in your mind and senses. Be specific. Breathe it in.  

Feel your strong spine - your truth, courage, vulnerability, and authenticity. 

We ARE the community braving the wilderness together. Here’s the link to join us Sunday.