Our Unwanted Parts
“Having compassion starts and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves, all those imperfections that we don’t even want to look at. Compassion isn’t some kind of self-improvement project or ideal that we’re trying to live up to.”
Pema Chodron
As we heal trauma and increase our own level of mental health and awareness, we look back at our life with regrets for our actions and inaction.
Like the negativity bias in our nervous system that highlights everything that could be dangerous, our inner critic shines a light on what we’ve done wrong.
We have an assessment bias that is highly skewed toward the negative and we have difficulty maintaining a balanced view. We don’t think about the positive, then we disconnect when we feel shame. We can’t move when we’re in shame.
You commit to eating healthier food and you review what you ate last week. Do you think about the wonderful veggies and meals you made, or the cookies you had on Friday night?
You think about your relationship with a child and remember the time you lost your temper and yelled at them. It takes conscious effort to think about the hundreds of times you were patient and kind and had fun with them.
We judge and shame ourselves based on this negativity bias and unbalanced view.
We look back on our life and wince. What was I thinking?
Why didn’t I stand up for myself?
Our nervous system assessed our most likely chance of survival was freeze
How could I have stayed in that relationship?
It was the first time we felt like someone cared and was on our side
What was the matter with me that I drank and took those risks?
When I was drunk or stoned I got to forget what was happening at home
Why didn’t I know better? What was I thinking? What was the matter with me?
It’s not fair to retroactively judge ourselves for how we felt and understood life when we were younger. We were trying to make it through under adverse conditions.
If we weren’t guided and protected when we were children, how would we know to do that as parents?
If our nervous system developed to be hypervigilant for threat, it’s not reasonable to expect we would magically be emotionally well regulated. We can learn and practice this now and that wasn’t as available then.
Letting go of shaming ourselves for what we didn’t know then is what we’re exploring in our Sunday free community class this week.
Bring up something you did (or didn’t do) in your past that you shame yourself for and bring up an image of you at that time. What can you tell about your life from that image?What was going on then? What were you anxious or worried about? Did you feel secure and included? Were you being hurt? Did you feel like you were on your own?
How does it feel in your body as you remember what your life was like then? Stay out of shame pose. If you’re slumped over, bring your collar bones up and open your chest. Breathe. Bring your eyes up. Stay oriented to the present moment.
What do you know now that you didn’t know then? What would you say to your younger self to balance their view? What do they believe about themselves? How do they explain their life? Are they more in a fight, flight, freeze or fawning response?
Make eye contact. Bring the part of you that feels unacceptable into your heart and offer compassion. Put your hand on your heart or hug yourself. You are not your past actions. I welcome you and I love you.
I feel ashamed of my behavior then and I understand the circumstances and nuance. I try to do better now. I connect with my innocence and wanting to be loved. I am acceptable.
I find this to be an ongoing process and sometimes a lot of memories and judgements come up. We feel grief and regret for what we did and didn’t do in the past and for what we’ve lost. This takes time to process and to feel. Kindness and compassion are the only antidote to shame. We need to welcome ourselves back into our own open heart.
Is this the complete picture?
Bring up memories of strength and joy. What else was going on then? What are you proud of? This is part of you too.
Take several minutes to savor what was going well. When times are hard it takes strength to make it through.
When we look back, we have that negativity bias and have a tendency to focus only on what we could have done better. This toxic perfectionism is cruel and harmful.
Somatic mindfulness can give us an early alert that we are shaming ourselves. We notice thoughts in our mind and sensations in our body. We’re slumped over and holding our breath. We can work with that.
We deserve to let our past go. To stop shaming ourselves for not being able to live up to an unreachable ideal. To bring ourself into our own heart and be loved.
Join us Sunday to explore and connect.