Strong Back Decision Making

I can tolerate disappointing people

What happened in your body as you read these words? I felt a heaviness in my chest. I took a deep in breath and a long exhale and softened my neck and shoulders.

Two months ago I made a big decision. I had been thinking about it for awhile.

I love my work. All of it! Every morning I get to join with a hundred or so others to guide a somatic relaxation/ nervous system healing practice. I’ve been doing this every day for 8 years and this deep meditative connection has become my favorite time.

For the last ten years I have had the immense honor of helping people heal trauma in private sessions and in groups like Women* Healing Trauma, and our Sunday free community class. As I have learned about trauma and worked with my own, I have shared this with others in a way that is healing for all of us. We connect with understanding, kindness and compassion. We open into fully welcoming ourselves.

From a base of thirty years of meditation, I’ve been able to teach and practice somatic mindfulness and nervous system regulation. There are reasons why we go into fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn responses. We look at our past through a trauma lens and our present makes sense.

Each week I get to share reflections on what interests me. I usually riff on a theme. This month it’s Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness, the Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. The foundation is developing a strong back, and that is our focus this week.

“We can spend our entire life betraying ourself and choosing fitting in over standing alone.”

Why did I stay in an unhealthy relationship for decades? The roots were in the disconnection in my family and being bullied and shamed as a teen. This made me vulnerable to finally feeling included and protected. I was part of something.

A child develops core deficiency beliefs of unworthiness. They turn against themselves because they can’t afford to see the truth of what is happening with their adults. I was emotionally immature and couldn’t afford to see the truth of the abuse. This reality is something I deeply grieve and now understand.

Why for decades have I consistently worked sixty hours a week at the expense of my health? Often it was passion: the women’s movement; AIDS; yoga meditation; my work now. Inclusion is an overriding theme and a big factor in all of them. I was part of something meaningful and had poor boundaries.

When we choose fitting in over acting in our own best interest, the roots are in our nervous system.

I love being part of this beautiful sacred work. I am inspired by all of us in the Stillpoint community who take a deep breath and share our truth in Sunday class. We show up day after day to breathe and relax together. We know through direct experience that we can understand ourselves and heal in connection with each other.

My big decision was to retire from individual sessions at the end of May. I feel mixed emotions about this. I love and admire the people I have worked with. Some have flowed in and through for a few months or years. Others I have met weekly for ten years. These are deep bonds. I have helped and that means a lot to me. Through connections I’ve formed over years, I‘ve been able to refer to people I trust. That also means a lot to me.

Private sessions have kept me at my desk for hours a day. At seventy, this isn’t good for my body. Writing, developing and preparing for groups and classes has a different rhythm than scheduled private sessions. I’m able to stand and move around. Shantih and I go for walks a few times a day when the sun comes out and it’s low tide.

This is my first week feeling the spaciousness of time. I’ve caught up on some work and that feels good. I’ve enjoyed a few long restorative naps and made some delicious meals.

I know I have disappointed some people with this decision and I know I have caused pain. I have done what I can to support them in this transition and I know deeply that they are okay. I also know this is the right decision for me.

When we strengthen our back, we can afford to see the truth. We can soften our front and open our hearts.

Connect and engage with our vibrant community: daily and on Sundays.