Understanding Anger and Navigating Fight Responses
Anger is an interesting energy to work with. Many people are disconnected from their feelings and find it hard to feel angry. Others have a more explosive expression of anger, which can be scary for those around them.
Expressing anger is very different from being in a fight survival response. In a fight response, our nervous system has detected a threat and is responding vehemently to protect ourselves. When we are in a fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn survival response, we refer to this as being dysregulated.
Our nervous system is set up to protect us and maximize our chance for survival. If we need to run to save our life, our digestion shuts down so that all of our blood can go to the large muscles of our legs. We are focused on one thing. If we are in fight or flight, this is arousal in our sympathetic nervous system. If we are in freeze, we have an activated parasympathetic nervous system.
It is important to know that these responses are unconscious and are based on our past experiences. We don’t choose to “blow our top” or become disconnected and numb. They happen to us. Being aware of the signs, like we’re holding our breath, heat in our face etc, helps us to intervene sooner, so we can avoid unnecessary activation and come back to a calmer, regulated state. Many people are in a chronic state of hypervigilance or freeze and this creates stress in our body and in our life and relationships.
We can learn powerful practices to help us come out of survival mode.
As we become calmer, our prefrontal cortex and wisdom come back online. We come up out of freeze and are more aware and alert about what is happening around us. We regain access to compassion and trust. We are more accurate in our assessment of threat and respond appropriately.
We all have experience with a fight response and that is our focus here. How many of these are you familiar with?
I’m a hothead - I explode when I’m angry and sometimes do and say things I regret but I can’t help it.
Being around someone in a fight response scares me - I shut down and try avoid being their target.
I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop when I’m around that person.
When I get angry, I try to talk myself out of it. There’s no point in being upset. (I’ve been noticing that I’m always clenching my teeth though)
I’ve been working on letting myself feel anger and finding the courage to say when I’m angry and have a conversation about why.
I feel like a coward when I shut down and let them rant at me. I would like to practice to feel more comfortable in setting boundaries.
I know I’m ruining my relationships with my explosive anger and I would like to have more control around it. I hate that they are afraid of me.
What we all have in common is that anger can be difficult to feel and express appropriately. A major effect of trauma is that we disconnect from ourselves, our feelings and emotions, and from our body. We live in a time when there is a lot of fear and many people are far from calm and in control. This makes it more challenging for all of us.
Anger itself is an appropriate response to situations of injustice.
It is appropriate to be angry at some callous actions taken by politicians. We feel powerless and that might put us on a slow boil. Our mind can get very busy. I don’t deserve this. This is unfair.
We might have a change in person circumstances that make us angry. We were laid off at work. We or someone we love has a drastic change of health. Why me?
Any circumstance that creates uncertainty about our survival is going to cause a reaction. Our nervous system comes in trying to keep us safe.
Healthy ways to feel and express anger, and to release angry edgy energy out of our body include:
Physical release, like intense exercise, shaking, kundalini yoga
Arts, like singing or playing music, painting, dancing
Calming environment, like being at the ocean and allowing the intensity of our feelings to lessen as we walk along the shore
Talking it through with a friend
Having an honest conversation and setting a boundary with someone
Use our breath and relaxation practices to bring us back to center
Take a break from interacting for 25 minutes to let our cortisol and adrenaline come back to normal levels
We need to commit to learning about our nervous system and practicing tools every day to help us come back into regulation. At times we are in very difficult situations and our mind can be stuck on ruminating or catastrophic thinking. There are ways to break the trance and give ourselves a break.
We can inquire into our conditioning about anger and fight responses. What is your history? Did you grow up with someone who made your scared? Were you allowed to be mad or were you given the message it isn’t “ladylike” to be angry? Sometimes our anger is internalized and shows up as a mean inner critic or a nasty gossip.
All of the survival responses, including fight, are meant to help us survive and they are rooted in our unconscious mind. It can be difficult to stop because deep down we believe this is how we keep ourselves safe.
The answer includes awareness and practice. We don’t have much control over most of the events around us and within our personal lives. That’s true. It’s natural to want to avoid pain. We all do. We have trouble accepting injustice and the pain and suffering in the world. Yet here we are.
Listen here:
Part One: Fight Response and Awareness Insight Timer or YouTube
Anger Part Two: Our Safety When Someone Else Is In A Fight Response. Insight Timer or YouTube
Part Three: Calming Ourselves And Expressing Anger Without A Fight Response
Live on Insight Timer Wednesday May 21 at 4:30 Eastern
Change begins with awareness. Let’s continue to work with this.
Photo by Jerry Katz