Learning To Trust Again
Many of us carry a longing to feel more at home with other people. We want to be able to soften, exhale, and be accepted as we are. For people who have experienced trauma, this natural desire for connection is complicated. Trauma can create patterns of mistrust or isolation that make connection feel risky.
We can cultivate trust, presence, and inner grounding in our social and relational world.
Our present moment experience of safety with someone depends on how our nervous system is reading the situation and is based on evidence from our previous experience with others and with this specific person.
If we relax and share authentically, will we be included and seen? Will we be accepted or rejected? What feels like “safe enough”? How will we survive if something “goes wrong”?
What do you expect to go wrong? What do you expect to go well?
Some people couldn’t reliably turn to others for support and we feel safer alone. The cost is loneliness and we also miss out on rich interactions with others. We’re willing to try out connection but our window of tolerance is narrow and we are sensitive to people’s energy. We are not as available for connection as we would like.
Others feel more vulnerable and are more anxious when they are alone. Our window of tolerance is wide open and we stick with it even if people aren’t treating us well. We expect to feel better when we’re with other people and we seek out company.
What is your personal experience of “safe enough” when you are with other people?
Do you seek the company of others or is that harder for you? Are you happy with the level of connection and your comfort with others or is this something you would like to work on? If so, what would you like to open into more? Are you seeking new friends, deeper sharing with existing friends, or perhaps a romantic partner?
Imagine and visualize a few scenarios, and see how it feels in your body. Breathe, soften, notice your response. What is your risk tolerance and what is your interest in connection? Are you going into a fight/ flight/ freeze response thinking about this? Keep coming back to the safety of the present moment by looking around the room, holding your own hands, frame/trace thoughts, breathe, and other regulating tools.
Humans need connection with other people to feel fully alive. We crave closeness, kindness, and being seen, but that can stir up our nervous system’s alarm bells. When that happens, it is not a signal that there is something wrong with us. It is a reflection of how deeply we’ve been shaped by our past.
We can’t talk ourselves into feeling safer. We can give ourselves experiences of feeling safer.
We can also do this through memory of past moments of support: the friend who stayed; the stranger who showed kindness; the pet who never judged and enthusiastically welcomed us home. These memories, stored in the body, can become anchors. They help us reconnect to a felt sense of trust and belonging.
By walking through some of these scenarios that trouble us and focusing on memories of feeling safer, we expand our window of tolerance. We make space for both fear and hope, for caution and curiosity. We aren’t trying to override the parts of us that are scared. We’re using tools to help us be more accurate in our perception of threat and to regulate our nervous system. As we heal, we become more fully who we already are - with others.
Relational healing unfolds over time, in small and meaningful steps. A smile held a little longer. A truth shared that didn’t result in rejection. A moment of presence in a group that didn’t end in overwhelm. These are the building blocks of trust.
We can’t do this alone. We heal relationship wounds in relationship with other people. Hold yourself warmly in your heart. Take your time. Honor your feelings.
If you would like to explore feeling safe, seen, and supported, here are some ways to join us:
Live daily 20-minute relaxation sessions on Zoom — a simple practice to come back to your body each morning.
Sunday community class with guided practice and small group inquiry — a space to reflect, share, and connect in a grounded, supportive setting.
Guided practices on Insight Timer — both live and recorded, for whenever you need a pause or an invitation back into presence.
👉Join the free daily Zoom sessions
👉Sunday Community Class details
👉Follow on Insight Timer