You Are Not Broken
Many of us carry a persistent sense that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. This is a core deficiency belief. I am unlovable. I am broken. Happiness is for other people, but not for me. These beliefs are so familiar to us that we accept them without question.
Where These Beliefs Come From
Core deficiency beliefs almost always begin in childhood. When we talk about developmental trauma, we mean something was interfering with the way our brain and nervous system would optimally develop. That can mean physical things like not having a safe place to rest, chaos or violence in the home. It can also mean subtler things, like not feeling seen, or not having anyone around who was reliably interested in us.
Children can't look at a difficult situation and think, "my parent is struggling with their own pain." We don't have that capacity. What we do instead is try to make the situation better. We try to be funnier, quieter, more helpful, more perfect. Then when things don't improve, we come to a conclusion: if I could change myself, everything will be okay. The problem is me.
This actually makes sense from a nervous system perspective. We are wired to need belonging. For most of human history, being excluded from our group was life-threatening. So when a child feels isolated, through neglect, inconsistency, or shaming, their nervous system registers that as danger. Internalizing the blame was a way of trying to stay safe. We are not flawed. We adapted to protect ourselves.
The Role of Shame
Shaming is one of the ways children are controlled — in families, in schools, in culture. Shame is meant to correct behavior that could isolate us from the protection of family and community. Toxic shaming is when the message is not just "that behavior was wrong" but "you should be ashamed of yourself." When we hear that enough, we internalize it. It becomes the voice we carry into adulthood and the way we speak to ourselves.
Research on behavior change shows that shame doesn't motivate people — it immobilizes them. Shame is a heavy experience. Notice what it does in your body: our shoulders curl in, eyes look down, breath gets shallow. We contract. From that contracted place, it's very hard to see clearly.
“One of the effects of trauma is that we disconnect from ourselves, the present moment, and our sense of value.” Dr Gabor Maté
Looking at the Evidence
These beliefs are conclusions we drew as children, with our limited ability to understand the adult world. We didn't have the context to see what was really going on. We were doing our best to make sense of experiences that were confusing and painful.
One thing I find helpful is to look at the actual evidence for the belief. Take "I am unlovable." Someone might have said those words to you and you might have a felt sense of having been overlooked. Our nervous system remembers those experiences.
Now sit with this: have you ever felt loved by a friend, teacher, or family member, even for a moment? If you have ever been loved, then you are lovable. Our nervous system doesn’t automatically remember this but we can bring it forward. A lot of feel unloved and unprotected had to do with what the other person was capable of giving, not with our worth.
What We Can Do Now
As adults, we have more agency and options. We can look at these beliefs directly so we can understand how they formed and what they were trying to do.
We can offer kindness to our younger self who was trying to figure it out. That child was doing their best with what they had. The belief that there is something wrong with us was never the truth. It was a way of coping and trying to feel safer. We don't have to keep carrying these false beliefs.
What would your life be like without shame? Someone in a recent class wrote: "My heart would be a bright beam." Yes!
This topic is part of my exploration in my current live series based on my book Friends With Your Mind: How to Stop Torturing Yourself With Your Thoughts. We meet Tuesdays at 6 PM Eastern on Insight Timer Live, and Sundays at 10 AM Eastern on Insight Timer and our Sunday free community class. I hope you'll join us.