Low Vigilance Relationships
We trust them and they are reliably (not perfectly) well-regulated.
We don’t feel dread when we think about them or prepare to see them.
We have an ongoing consistent experience of kindness, respect, and authentic engagement.
We can relax knowing they will not be contemptuous or gaslight us.
There is a mutuality of interest in conversations and wanting to know each other.
We are on our own side and on their side - we are not competing with each other.
We are delighted when they experience good fortune.
“Safe enough” means we can be ourselves, relax, and have fun together.
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is the psychological connection that can form between a victim and their abuser, typically as a result of ongoing abuse or trauma.
Individuals who are trauma bonded may develop a sense of loyalty or attachment to their abuser, despite the harm that is being inflicted upon them. This bond can be complex and difficult to understand, as it may involve feelings of both love and hate towards the abuser.
Trauma bonding can develop in many different types of relationships, such as those between parent and child, or intimate partners.
Have you ever sat with a friend expressing frustration about a parent or intimate partner then find yourself defending them when they agree with you? They weren’t all bad! This loyalty is in part due to trauma bonding. Trauma bonding is not a conscious choice, but rather a psychological response to a traumatic experience.
Trauma bonding can have serious negative effects on a person's mental and emotional well-being. It can lead us to associate high drama and intensity with love, and make us vulnerable to unhealthy patterns in relationships.
But what if I’m bored?
When we’re jacked up on adrenaline and drama in our relationships, it takes a while come down.
Overstimulation acts like a drug that makes us feel alive, even though it actually exhausts us.
With time and appropriate levels of stimulation, we begin to notice, appreciate and enjoy subtle pleasures.
Somatic Inquiry: I Can Afford To Be Myself
Use tools like cyclic sighing, tapping, frame/tracing to stay grounded in the safety in the present moment as you inquire. Open your eyes if it feels too intense.
Bring to mind someone you feel safe enough with - memories, images, experiences, nervous system. Notice how that feels regulating in your body, breath, and thoughts in the mind. You enjoy thinking about them, perhaps you smile at certain memories. You relax.
Bring to mind someone who keeps you on edge.
Does your connection to them make sense based on how they treat you? Is trauma bonding a factor in the relationship? Are you trying to change them?
I want this person and relationship to be this way
What if the relationship ends? Will they lash out? What if I’m alone forever?
Work with the thoughts and sensation in your body. Breathe and regulate.
It is natural to want someone to change in a way that will make them “safe enough”.
Can I afford to see clearly? What will I risk?
Try these reverse inquiries to tease out any objections or underlying hesitation
I can afford to be myself in relationships overall
I can afford to be myself in this relationship
Visualize yourself clear and strong as you make a small positive change in the relationship
See and feel your confidence and commitment to yourself.
Take yourself through the experience in detail. What is the location? Who is there? What are the words you will say? Say the words out loud. See and feel your strong confident body language. Breathe deeply and notice your voice is strong and confident. Notice what you feel now.
Stay or go?
There are many relationships that require a high level of vigilance and we have a variety of reasons for staying in these relationships.
With some people, we know we can’t change them and we can still take other steps to minimize their effect on us. We might have tighter boundaries and sign off if they say certain things. We could address unsuitable behavior and words as they occur. We need to be on the top of our game when we’re around them, and be grounded enough to not fall into the trap of internalizing false beliefs when we are being gaslit and abused.
Some people are not regulated enough to be in a low vigilance relationship. We’re always a bit cautious because we know them well and can read when they are going into a fight response for instance. We can maintain a compassionate relationship even as we keep our guard up.
Red flags
Are you pretending to yourself that they can and want to change? Just because you treat people with respect and try to be kind, does not mean everyone has that value or the capacity.
Do you often ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship? Do you cycle between thinking “it’s not so bad” and “this isn’t working, I need to go”?
Someone asked me once how long my partner had been the way I was complaining about. I said twenty five years, the whole time I’ve known her. They lifted an eyebrow and asked if there was a reasonable expectation that she would change. Gut punch! The obvious answer was no and I had not been able to see the truth. I had been deluding myself with unrealistic optimism for years and that kept me in an unhealthy relationship.
Ongoing uncertainty about whether or not the relationship is working is a red flag. It is natural for relationships to go through some turbulence and often people can recover and remain friends or partners. Persistent questioning is a sign something needs to change. If the other person is open to and has the capacity to change, we can work with that.
Who we are in relationship with is something only we can decide. Clarity and letting in the truth is essential in making good decisions. What does your body say when you inquire?
These decisions are high stakes!
The health of our relationships and the consequences of changing the dynamics or leaving important relationships are high stakes and complex. We need to consider finances, children and other people impacted, and many other factors.
It takes courage to let ourselves know what we need and the truth of what we have. Kindness and compassion can allow a foundation of grace and authenticity.
“When a child walks in the room, your child or anybody else's child, do your eyes light up? That's what they're looking for.” Toni Morrison
We all deserve to be in relationships where we are loved and valued, and where our eyes light up when we see each other.
