Too Much?

When We’re Told You’re Too Much: Reclaiming Our Vitality

You are too much. You are too loud. You are too sensitive. You take up too much space.

Many people have this experience from childhood. We might remember those words or we might have received the message through a sigh, a raised eyebrow, or a tightening in the parents we depended on. Children try to maintain connection with our parents and adults so they will protect us. We are sensitive to what they think and feel and internalize disapproval as something wrong with us.

How “Too Much” Lives in our Body

When you hear the phrase “too much,” notice your response. What sensations appear inside yourself when you hear these words? Are there memories, an age or image that wants your attention?

What was happening in your environment when you first remember hearing this? Were adults overwhelmed? Whose nervous system were you adapting to?

Shrinking as a Strategy

How did shrinking help you stay connected or stay safe? Is this strategy keeping you safer now?

Assess the risk and benefits of playing small or being fully yourself. Our adaptations from childhood may continue into adulthood, even when we no longer need them. They shape our choices, our relationships, and the way we express ourselves. We may discover that the danger is less, yet the pattern remains.

The Vitality Beneath the Label

What adults called “too much” may have instead been creativity, sensitivity, joy, intensity, curiosity, depth, or exuberance. Whose nervous system couldn’t cope with your exhuberance? Who tried to silence these signs of vitality and aliveness in you?

When we look with compassionate eyes, we often see strengths that were misunderstood. We see a spark that is still present. We see qualities that can support a richer life now: intuition, passion, leadership, empathy, courage, and authentic expression.

Place your attention on the younger part of you who received the message that you were too much. Imagine sitting nearby with gentleness and curiosity. What would you like to offer them that no one offered then? What would help them soften, and feel welcome in our warmth and attention?

Belonging

Many of us learned through our experiences that we had to manage ourselves in order to earn closeness. Belonging that depends on playing it small is compliance and is not satisfying.

You may want to explore: Where in your present life do you feel most welcomed as you are? What helps your body sense safety in community? What conditions support your full expression? Explore more on authenticity here and here.

Reclaiming Voice and Presence

Imagine an environment where you are fully and wholeheartedly welcomed in all your richness and joy of expression. In a more complex, joyous and full expression of who you are, what would change? Deepen? Strengthen?  What activities would you continue to do and what would you let go of?

Bring yourself into your strong compassionate heart

I am joyous and strong. I reclaim my strength.

I express myself without holding back. My joy and passion are not too much.

When others are too much

The reality of life with other people is that sometimes people are too much for our nervous system to handle comfortably. This may be a temporary mismatch of energies. We’re exhausted and stressed and we long for quiet conversation and a warm hug. We come home to a partner in a bad mood who isn’t able to offer support or to children fighting and demanding our attention. We’re tapped out and don’t respond the way we would like.

Our nervous systems developed in a very different time, when everything we saw with our eyes was within our immediate vicinity and could be an immediate threat. These days much of what we see online triggers us into survival responses of fight/ flight/ freeze. We exhaust ourselves through hypervigilance. We all know what it’s like to have a period of time when we’re worried about ourselves or others we care about. We are not “at our best”.

Honest Assessment

It helps to take a step back and assess the situation. If we are working with an inner critic urging us to stay small, we can work with that, offer ourselves encouragement, and practice taking up more space for joy and what lights us up.

If we are feeling exhausted and irritable and we are not as encouraging to others as we would like, sometimes an apology helps. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to show you yesterday how excited I am about … Now’s a good time. I would love to hear about it.

With our children, we might be able to see how our limits of energy and attention when they were young might have contributed to their feeling of being "too much”. Depending on their age, different types of repair and reframing can help them release beliefs and the shame of being too much.

With another adult, we might have a different type of conversation. I know you’re worried about what might happen with your job. I do care and want to support you. I find it difficult to listen so often to your stream of catastrophic thoughts about all the bad things that could happen. It leaves me feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Can we talk about ways to get the support you need in a way that also works for me?

As we become more aware of our nervous system and survival responses, we have an opportunity to open our minds and hearts to each other. We’re not wrong because we are anxious and have compulsive thoughts about a situation. We’re not bad because we don’t have endless patience and energy to be there for people. Shaming ourselves and others is common, and it makes things worse.

Neurodivergence plays a role. We can work with accepting someone who has “big energy” and a lot of verbal and physical movement in their expression even as we take care of our own response. Acceptance and welcoming of diversity is an ongoing process.

I have hyperacusis, a hearing disorder characterized by an abnormally high sensitivity to everyday sounds, which seem intolerably loud and may cause pain or distress. When I am around a lot of people and noisy environments like restaurants or parties, I use noise attenuation ear protection to stay in the zone where I can appreciate the energy and enthusiasm of others. This limits the events I attend and the duration. I don’t always get it exactly right and that’s okay too. I try to schedule in extra rest the next day and not shame myself for the disorder.

Nervous system activation is simple and complex. We feel safer when we are around others who are calm. We feel joy at the playful antics of a child or listening to a passionate musician. We pick up anxiety from others and we co-regulate for peace and safety. All of these are true in our wonderful messy engagement with others and life.

Join us Sundays to explore together! Details to our Sunday free community class.