That’s So Gay!

That’s so gay was a popular saying with younger people a few decades ago. My nieces and grandchildren said it wasn’t exactly negative, but they admitted it wasn’t positive and it was rarely relevant. We talked about and considered the effect on someone hearing that who might be 2SLGBTQ+.  I asked them to be aware of their options. They could continue to say that knowing it might be causing harm to a friend, or they could use mindfulness to become aware of when it was used and either not participate or challenge it. And I asked them to not use that phrase around me.

This week we’re exploring many of the phrases we commonly use and the conditioning and values hidden underneath. We might have used words (ladies referring to standards of behavior expected of a group of women) and phrases (hold the fort referring to colonization in the US) for decades, not thinking about their origin.

Gender identity is a social construct

Boys are conditioned to become men (tough, strong, courageous) and girls conditioned to become ladies (nice, pleasing).

We can increase our use of gender neutral language, unless identifying the gender is relevant for communication.  Examples: folks, people or y’all instead of men and women; women instead of ladies, as ladies perpetuates a stereotype of behavior “appropriate for a lady”; they instead of he/she; get in the habit of avoiding gendering unless it is relevant eg children instead of boys and girls.

We are taught to assume that everyone identifies as a man or a woman and that we can tell someone’s gender identity by looking at them. This is not true. 

Nonbinary people define themselves outside the genders of male and female. 

Cisgender people identify as the gender assigned to them at birth. Transgender people do not identify as the gender assigned to them at birth. 

There are many resources to learn about this, including  “because of everyone’s different experiences with gender, we must make sure that we both tell our story but also listen to other people’s experiences.” Clover (they/them)

Other resources: Alok V Menon, documentary Will and Harper

Cowboys and Indians

“To 'hold down the fort' originally meant to watch and protect against the vicious Native American intruders. In the territories of the West, Army soldiers or settlers saw the 'fort' as their refuge from their perceived 'enemy,' the stereotypical 'savage' Native American tribes.” John Robinson, US Department of State

If you are white, how do you feel about being identified as a white settler?

What is your understanding of the phrase We are all treaty people? 

Like any habit, we can bring awareness to our words and their impact.

Anti-racist: don’t use racist words, descriptors, or stereotypes; challenge “whiteness” and white bodies and features as the standard and everything else as other, lesser, exotic. 

Stereotypes: don’t expect all people of color to be graceful (eg good dancers); don’t use phrases like dumb blonde.

Neurodiversity: normalize that everyone’s brain doesn’t work the same way and speak in a way that honors the gifts of neurodiversity.

Mental health: avoid using mental health diagnoses as a general descriptor: narcissist to describe self centered, or bipolar meaning dysregulated. 

Heteronormativity: avoid the assumption that the “best” or normal way is heterosexual and that everything else is less; you can’t reliably identify sexual orientation or gender identity by the way someone looks or dresses.

When someone stiffens or gets angry when we use a phrase, it might be because of what it means to them personally or a group they belong to. We may not be aware of their social location and identity or we’ve forgotten. The person in the power over position, may be less conscious of and less directly affected. It may feel less important to us or harder to remember.

Using more inclusive language and avoiding language that excludes people is a mindfulness practice. Be patient and kind with yourself and others. Conditioning goes deeply into our unconscious and it takes time to bring it into awareness and make changes.

Somatic Inquiry: 

What words and phrases do I use that I could bring into my awareness? 

Am I shaming myself, feeling inadequate or pressuring myself to be perfect?

Be patient and remember your own basic goodness and good will. Our conditioning is complex and our nervous systems often take over. Come back into presence, kindness and compassion.

Join us this and every week for our Sunday free community class for inquiry and connection. Details here.