Repair and reconnection after conflict
We continue this week with reflections from my interview with Dr Diane Poole Heller.
Relationships are living systems that thrive on connection, understanding, and repair. No matter how loving or mindful we are, moments of misattunement happen. We misunderstand each other, speak from old wounds, or get caught in stress and reactivity. The measure of a healthy relationship is not whether conflict arises, but whether we can repair and reconnect afterward.
Researcher John Gottman found that couples who learn to initiate and receive repair have an 85 percent greater chance of remaining in a state of well-being together. Repair restores trust, builds emotional resilience, and strengthens the nervous system’s capacity to return to safety and regulation.
Repair begins with awareness. When we notice that something has gone off track, we can pause and reflect. What was I feeling in that moment? What need or fear might have been activated? Was there unresolved hurt beneath my reaction? Bringing compassion to ourselves allows us to soften, take responsibility for our part, and approach the other person with openness rather than defense.
A sincere repair does not include explanations or excuses. It is as simple as, “I know I hurt you when I said that. I am sorry.” When we add, “but I was tired,” or “but you said this first,” we shift away from the moment of genuine connection. Staying with the apology itself communicates that we see what happened and that we care about the other person’s experience.
Sometimes repair is one-sided. The other person may not be ready or able to meet us in that space. They might still be overwhelmed or caught in their own shame. Even then, choosing to repair brings peace. It helps us grow in emotional maturity and inner stability. We learn that our integrity and calm are not dependent on someone else’s response.
Repair is also something we can model. When a child or friend comes forward to apologize, our role is to receive it with gratitude rather than turning it into a lesson. Simply saying, “Thank you. That took courage,” creates safety and encourages future honesty.
Learning to repair and reconnect is a lifelong practice. It invites humility, courage, and tenderness. Each time we return to presence after disconnection, we strengthen our trust—in ourselves, in others, and in love’s capacity to heal.
Join us in our Sunday free community class to explore and practice together. Details here.
Watch the interview clip here