Compassionate Connection With Our Inner Child
When we experience trauma in childhood, the pain is often too overwhelming for our young nervous system to process. Instead of moving through, those feelings may get “stuck in time.” A child who was frightened, shamed, or left without protection can remain frozen at that age inside of us. Even decades later, certain situations may awaken the same fear, grief, or anger, and we may find ourselves reacting from the perspective of that younger self.
Healing begins when we as adults are willing to turn toward that younger part of ourselves with compassion.
Dr. Diane Poole Heller describes the importance of creating a supportive relationship between the adult self and the inner child. Rather than avoiding the pain or trying to dismiss it, we learn to stay present and listen. This simple act of acknowledgment can begin to shift the sense of isolation that so often accompanies trauma.
Many of us did not have a safe adult available at the time of trauma.
As children we may have been left alone with experiences that were far too big for us to manage. Diane encourages us to bring in resources now, both internal and external. Sometimes it is our own adult self stepping into the role of a wise and steady protector. Sometimes it is the memory of a mentor, a loving grandparent, or even a character from a story who represents strength and care. These figures remind us that safety and protection are possible.
When we re-visit a painful memory while also introducing new supportive elements, the brain begins to rewire. The original memory does not disappear, but it becomes infused with the corrective experience of safety, voice, and protection. Over time the nervous system learns a new way to respond. The stuck energy of the trauma can begin to move, and we feel more freedom in the present.
This approach honors the bravery of the inner child. It takes courage for those younger parts of ourselves to come forward with their stories and feelings. As Diane points out, the adult self may feel embarrassed or resistant, but the inner child is showing tremendous strength simply by allowing us to know what they carry. Our task is to listen with kindness, to validate their experience, and to assure them that they are no longer alone.
Through inner child connection, we are not indulging old wounds or keeping ourselves caught in the past. We are creating a compassionate bridge between then and now. Each time we respond to our inner child with patience and care, we strengthen our adult self and increase our resilience. What was once a source of pain can become a doorway to greater wisdom and connection.
“The brain over time, and sometimes immediately, will always choose the more adaptive response. We're wired for that.” from my interview with Dr Diane Poole Heller
This week, you might spend some quiet time reflecting on the child you once were. What did they need that was missing? What words of comfort or gestures of protection would have made a difference? Imagine offering those now, as your present-day self, or bringing in a trusted figure to help. Notice how your body responds when you picture your younger self being cared for and supported.
Through practice of kind connection, we are able to reclaim the life force that was bound up in trauma and allow it to flow again. By tending to our inner child with compassion, we gradually transform old wounds into new strength, and we bring more of ourselves fully into the present moment.
Reflection questions:
What supportive figure, real or imagined, would have helped you as a child?
How might you bring their presence to mind today as a resource for healing?
How does your body feel when you imagine that child finally being protected and cared for?
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