Social Anxiety and Shame

When we’ve experienced awkwardness and discomfort in social settings, of course we’re going to feel anxious about being vulnerable again. If we’ve experienced scorn and contempt and we’ve been socially shamed, we’re going to be wary about putting ourselves back into harm’s way.

When you’re in a social situation, do you feel you are the only one who is anxious? We tend to think other people are more relaxed and confident than they actually feel.

Shame is “one's own vicarious experience of the other's scorn.” Helen Block Lewis

I’m taking a risk by going, I might be scorned. Threats make us feel unsafe 

We develop false core deficiency beliefs based on our experiences. I feel bad  —>   There’s something wrong with me that I feel bad  —> I am bad

When children are criticized they develop a superhighway from criticism to shame & the experience of traumatic shame becomes central in our life. We feel weak and ashamed as we compare ourselves with others.

Why can’t I enjoy this gathering like everyone else?

We feel ashamed of our coping mechanisms - lashing out or hiding out. We all go into fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn when we feel threatened, including socially. This is why regulating our nervous system is so helpful - we are more accurate in our perception of safety and danger.

The Purpose and Power of Shame

Shame elicits a threat response in our nervous system, which often registers as a form of freeze or shut down. Disconnection from the body enables us to bear the unbearable.

It may register as a feeling of being vaguely or profoundly uncomfortable in the body; feeling shy and pulling away; flushed face; tight throat; shallow breath, tension and collapse.

Shame arises as a survival response so we can fit in the family, community and social order. We experience shame in community so we can survive. Shame is necessary to protect us and to alert us when we have overstepped a boundary. 

Our Beliefs Are Based On Our Experiences … with a negativity bias

This week in our Sunday free community class we’re inquiring into the pervasive experience of social anxiety and shame, and how that affects our friendships.

My core deficiency belief is that I am ________ eg someone no one is interested in talking with

I need to hang on to this belief because _________ (does this belief protect you?)

Will I be safe enough if I release this belief? This isn’t something we can talk ourselves into. We need to experience safety in our body and nervous system. Inquiry can help us see more clearly.

Regulate your nervous system. Relax. Breathe.

Dress Rehearsal: Calm, Grounded. Connected

Bring to mind an upcoming social engagement and walk through it in your mind in slow-motion, stopping whenever you feel anxious. Remain aware of your breath and body. Down-regulate sympathetic nervous system over-arousal with six second exhalations. Stay out of the shame posture. Pause and use the inquiry tools until you feel more settled. 

Vividly visualize it turning out well. You approach someone with a smile. “I am so happy to see you!” You are both enjoying yourselves.

Feel it in your whole body. Your face and jaw are soft. Your voice is smooth and confident. Your shoulders and relaxed and you are breathing with ease. If there is a moment of awkwardness, you exhale a few times and recover quickly. 

Rehearse this often. Feel it in your whole body. You are calm and grounded. 

One of the benefits of somatic mindfulness inquiry around social anxiety, core deficiency beliefs and shame is that we can be accurate in our nervous system and our perception of safety and threat. We can protect ourselves into complete isolation and that’s not what we want. With awareness, we can build resilience and appropriate boundaries for safe connection.

Self Compassion Is The Key

We only have access to compassion for ourselves when our nervous system is regulated.

I have experienced being shamed and I have experienced inclusion.

I offer myself open-hearted compassion as I regulate and take the risk to connect.

You are always welcome to join us live for our Sunday free community class and/or to listen to the recordings. We’re a friendly bunch and you can practice with us. Details here.