Friendship

Friendships, romantic partnerships, and family relationships have some similar foundations and challenges, like the role of social anxiety and persistent core deficiency beliefs. Some people have congenial interactions with neighbors and colleagues yet long for more intimacy and depth. 

Can I relax enough to be myself?

How do our survival responses of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn play into keeping and maintaining friendships? It’s tough to connect deeply when we’re hypervigilant and expecting to be ignored or hurt by others. 

It’s not easy to let down our guard and invite people in. We need each other to live and thrive. Can we be open to connection and protect ourselves?

Qualities of lower vigilance relationships

• We trust them and they are reliably (not perfectly) well-regulated

• We feel excitement and warmth when we think about them or prepare to see them

• We feel safe enough to be ourselves with an expectation of kindness and respect and authentic engagement, and without threat of contempt or gaslighting

• We feel safe enough to laugh and have fun together

• We are interested in each other and engaged in listening (dialogue not monologuing)

• We share time and dialogue (that balances over time)

• Our body is relaxed, our breath is deeper and smoother

• We think of them with kindness and pleasure

• We want the best for each other

Qualities of higher vigilance relationships

• We feel uneasy or on edge when we think about them or prepare to see them

• We walk on eggshells around them because we never know what to expect - sometimes they’re regulated and other times they “go off on us” - we stay alert

• We’re careful about what we reveal so we’re not a target for their judgment (again)

• We lose our sense of humor, feel brittle, and have a narrow window of tolerance.

• It’s harder to connect, be kind, or feel compassion for ourselves or others

• Our body is tense, jaw clenched, and we might hold our breath 

• Even when it’s going well this time, we wait for the other shoe to drop

Our options are more complex than go/no go

There are many relationships that require a higher level of vigilance and we have valid reasons for continuing to engage with some people.

The difficult person might be a partner of a friend, a neighbor, an in-law, or a colleague at work. Someone you know has a new partner whom you feel is harmful to them. A person has joined your social circle who is actively trying to exclude you. You’ve changed and are no longer as interested in some of your old friends.

Some people we care about are not regulated enough to be in a low vigilance relationship. We know them well and are willing to cultivate patience and help with their dysregulation.

With awareness, we can regulate and set boundaries. We need to be on the top of our game around some people to not fall into the trap of internalizing false beliefs when we are being ostracized or gaslit.

What does this friendship give me and what does it cost me?

What factors go into our decisions about friendships? Why do I stay? What are my options? What is my level of strength and resilience right now? What do I owe someone who doesn’t treat me well or I’m not interested in?

What level of engagement with this person is healthy for me? Am I codependent and trying to fix them?

Are they safe to be in relationship with? Some people are a clear no and our efforts need to be focused on protecting ourselves, minimizing harmful contact and/or getting out.

Am I pretending to myself that they can and want to change? 

How does fear of being alone or isolated play into my decision about staying?

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Somatic inquiry in our Sunday free community class this week

Bring to mind someone you feel safe enough with and take a few moments to notice memories, images, experiences, and how you feel in your nervous system. Take a few deep breaths to reset then:

Bring to mind someone who keeps you on edge and take a few moments to notice memories, images, experiences, and how you feel in your nervous system. Take a few deep breaths to reset then:

Does continuing your friendship and connection to them make sense based on how they treat you? 

I can afford to be myself in this relationship.

What sensations and energy do you feel in your body? What emotions? Grief? Fear? shame? Loneliness? Core deficiency beliefs?

What is your response to this statement? Do you act in alignment with this? I deserve friends who care, are interested in me, and treat me with kindness and respect.

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We can return to this inquiry many times and bring awareness to our various relationships. We can’t always control who is in our environment and who we engage with. We can work with how we engage and with whom. We might choose to call out bullying behavior or we might work internally with core deficiency beliefs and not taking on the shame of someone else’s thoughts and behavior. We’ll explore that next week.

I invite you to join us live each week in our Sunday free community class. We explore with somatic inquiry and share what comes up. Here’s the link for more information and to join us.