Can We Talk? Should we?

Connection and trust often diminish when there are differences

When someone has different views on something important to us, it can create a barrier. We might have heated conversations and the disagreement is out in the open. We might have an unspoken agreement that this is too hot to handle and we need to leave it alone.

Last week we increased awareness of our nervous system response when someone’s view feel like a threat to us. When we’re threatened, we naturally go into a survival response, often fight, flight, or freeze. We might have thoughts like: This shouldn’t be this way. I can’t cross this divide. I don’t trust them anymore. They don’t care about me, my rights, my life. I don’t understand why they think the way they do. I feel afraid, angry, and I’m not sure if I want to engage with them.

Most of us self-select away from people who have a radically different set of views. Social media algorithms also tend to put us in a bubble where we aren’t exposed to a wide variety of ways of seeing the world. Dramatic headlines and click bait elevate the sense of threat. We are widely encouraged to see people who are different as a threat to us.

We may be pushed into conflict in our families, communities and work places. We don’t feel like we belong, or in order to belong, we have to hide a significant part of who we are.

Somatic awareness and understanding what activates our nervous system gives us options. We might move away. Young people whose family doesn’t approve of them often migrate to big cities to find “our people”. We feel at home in a subculture where we more accepted. For me in my twenties, I felt I belonged in the lesbian and feminist subcultures. When we don’t have to hide who we are, we can relax and connect more deeply.

Flight and strong boundaries are an option and sometimes necessary temporarily or permanently. We need to both protect ourselves from harm and also to deepen possibilities for authentic connection that makes life meaningful.

What is the reality of the situation? Can we listen when we don’t feel understood? Can we find our way back? 

We’ll start with a question from my meditation teacher.

What would they say is the problem they have with you? How would they describe the issue? What do they feel is in the way of (re)building trust?

We explore our willingness to engage and the question of is it safe enough.

If so, are your predictions of how think they feel correct? Can you check your assumptions with them, or someone else?

If so, how might you approach them? What might you say? You and I see this differently. You are important to me and I would like to understand how you arrived at your view of this. Are you open to talking?

We stay in touch we our body and breath and notice our nervous system regulation. As we settle, we check in with our heart. There is no right or wrong way to be in relationship. With many people, the cost is too high and we don’t care enough about them to make it worth it. With others, the cost of doing nothing is too high and we are willing to engage with honesty and a more open heart.

Join us Sunday 10am and Monday 7pm Eastern to explore together.