Note: This is not about the pros and cons of vaccines. We exploring if we have an interest in knowing about the experiences of a person who has opposite beliefs.
We all have people in our lives where there is disagreement in our views. Last week we wondered how they would see the issue or conflict between us. This week we look at listening, validating without necessarily agreeing, and some approaches that may increase communication and understanding.
Given that we’re in week 5, we’re going to turn up the heat and use a fairly inflammatory example, a conversation about vaccines. There is so much more in our history with this topic, including fear, judgment, and ostracizing. Things were pretty hot in 2020 and 2021 when there was so much fear and death.
Resources: Week 1: In Our Body Week 2: Emotions are Built Week 3: Nervous System Activation Week 4: Difficult Conversations.
Bring to mind someone where you have a difference in view. We’ll use an example about vaccines. Someone announces: Vaccines are bad and kill people, "they" are exploiting and lying to us, and people who get vaccinated are sheep.
Here are some strategies we might try:
Mirroring is used in the Imago process. "Let me make sure I understand. You're saying vaccines harm and even kill people, that the people behind them are lying to us and profiting, and that people who get vaccinated are just followers. Did I get that? Is there more?" We want to be sure we understand what they said and we haven’t missed anything important.
We might validate: "Given what you've read and what you've seen, I can see how you got to this view." Validating means "you make sense" or "I understand your point of view." It does not mean "I agree with you”. We might also have strong negative opinions about the accuracy of their sources of information.
We can empathize: "If I believed people were being harmed and lied to, I would be upset about it too." Or: "If that's what you see happening, I can understand why you feel so strongly."
Our own response after the mirror, validate, and empathize steps
One: "I see this one differently. I've looked at the science and it makes sense to me, and I've been vaccinated. And when I heard the word sheep, I felt hurt."
Two: "When I hear the word sheep, I feel dismissed, as if my own research and thinking don't count. I looked into this carefully, and I'd like that to be acknowledged."
Three: "I can see how much this matters to you. I hold a different view, and I'm going to keep it. I value our friendship. Would you be willing to leave this topic out of our conversations?"
Four: "When you called me a sheep, I felt hurt. Would you be willing to take that word back? After that, I'm fine letting this be something we see differently."
Do I want to understand more from their perspective?
Before going further, we can ask ourselves whether we want to understand more from their perspective. Feelings ran high and this is sensitive. Many people were, and perhaps still are, hurt, in a fight response, and righteously indignant. It could seriously damage the relationship. Letting it be something that’s off the table for discussion can be the wisest course. What is your gut feeling? Will taking this further help or harm?
It is common to judge people who have arrived at different views than we have. We can ask ourselves whether that is at play here. Maybe we think they're in a bubble or that they don't have the facts. This might affect respect and our openness to conversation.
We can wonder what some of the fears and experiences were for people who were not vaccinated. If we don't want to know more about that, we leave it.
If we do want to know, we can think about how we might ask: "If we could agree to leave aside the question of whether vaccines are good or bad, I would like to know more about what that period was like for you. I can also share some of my fears and experiences from the perspective of someone who felt that most of us should be vaccinated because we would all be safer."
We stay in touch with the energy in our body, breath, and thoughts in our mind. Visualizing a slow-motion walk through gives us an opportunity to see and resolve some of our hot spots and to come back into regulation. Difficult conversations require a level of awareness so we can notice when we are getting reactive and use our tools to come back into our heart.
Awareness also helps us to determine the likely outcome and if we are actually up for this conversation. There is no right or wrong answer. We’re not more virtuous if we take it on or vice versa. We work at seeing clearly and making decisions that are in the best interest for ourselves and each other.
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