Can I Afford To Feel This?

Love and compassion. Betrayal and rage. Grief and loss. Our heart has the capacity for extremes of emotion. We feel so deeply.

Two weeks ago, my older sister had a heart attack then a brain bleed. Three days later she died. She had some other health issues, but not with her heart, and we are in shock. During those three days, we had the experience of not knowing what would happen. Would she die? What would her function be if she didn’t?

Not knowing is hard and our mind goes to different outcomes, trying to prepare ourselves. My old habit of entertaining worst-case scenarios tried to insert itself, but I don’t go down that rabbit hole as easily anymore.

Like all of us, I have experience with grieving deaths of people close to me. My dad died unexpectedly after a hernia surgery at age 67. My mom died in hospice at age 83 after several months in which we knew the outcome. My nephew died suddenly from health complications in his early 30’s. My partner’s nephew was killed by a drunk driver when he was 12. My dear friend Donnie died of AIDS after years of illness.

Each loss is different. There is sadness. Grief is complicated by anger or injustice. The shock of a sudden death has a different quality from one we have had time to accept.

Grieving is a process. It disturbs our sleep. It affects our health and peace of mind. We naturally review our relationship with that person, and often examine the whole of our life. The death of someone near to us brings us into close touch with our own mortality. My sister was 15 months older than I am.

While grief brings emotion front and center, we all have our everyday patterns and habits around letting in what we feel.

Our heart has its own knowing. Like our gut instinct, what the heart knows is somatic or body wisdom. Thoughts and how we interpret our experiences influence feelings. Whether we are open hearted and trusting, or protecting ourselves from being hurt, our history impacts how we feel in the present.

We’re told that emotions that are freely allowed (felt) move through. This is true in my experience. When feelings are uncomfortable or overwhelming, we suppress or avoid them, and they linger. What we can’t afford to feel, we repress. We’re not aware of them, but they are not neutral or inert. They operate under the surface and cause all kinds of chaos.

Somatic mindfulness practice helps bring the unconscious (thoughts, energy, feelings and sensation) into our present moment awareness. We become proficient with staying present, using our breath and grounding practices to stay open to feeling. We develop confidence that now, as an adult, we can afford to welcome instead of turning away.

Where do our thoughts and feelings come from? The scent of a certain brand of sun tan oil might bring up memories of childhood at the beach. What about the aroma of fresh baked cinnamon rolls, or the warmth of a wood fire after we’ve been out in cold fresh air? What happens in our body now as we remember? If these were times of safety and connection for us, our body softens and we enjoy feeling the memories.

Our brain is highly associative, which is a helpful survival mechanism because it alerts us to potential danger. One problem with learning from experience is the negativity bias. Our brain is wired to pay attention to what might harm us, and we build strong neural networks for threat detection. This is automatic for negative but for positive, we need to consciously focus on it. This stacks the pool of evidence we draw from.

Another issue is that our felt sense of danger or safety is historical. A child needs food and housing along with a feeling of belonging and care. We need someone to pay attention, notice when we are in distress, and help us. Our brain hasn’t yet developed the capacity for self-regulation. Children need regulated adults, something many of us didn’t have enough of.

We can keep building our capacity as adults. We become more self-sufficient, but our need for connection doesn’t go away. As adults, we have more agency and options. We can bring in more resources.

Can I afford to feel this?

The answer coming from our unconscious isn’t always an enthusiastic yes. Our protective mechanisms work in the background, “helpfully” reducing the impact of difficult emotions. We’re not doing something wrong. This is how it works.

When we experience any kind of emotional disturbance, and grief and fear are big ones, we will feel the pull to do what helped in the past. Some of this is practical, like clearing some space in our schedule so we can sit with feelings as they arrive, or take a nap after a night of restless sleep. Most of us look for temporary relief in eating, drinking, shopping, screens, or getting busy.

I am grieving the loss of my sister with compassion and truth. We weren’t as close as some sisters, and we didn’t have unfinished business. I’m happy we talked for an hour at Christmas. As I look back, I am reflecting on some things about myself and our interactions and remind myself to be kind. There are always things we may have approached in a different way. Sibling relationships can be complicated. I can afford to be honest about our relationship and grieve her loss.

This week in our Sunday community class, we are inquiring into being at home in our heart, comfortable with emotions. When I planned this, I was not expecting grief. Yet here it is.

Our feelings and emotions can be challenging, and they are the juiciness of life. When we are in a survival mechanism of fight/ flight/ freeze, our emotions are not as vibrant. This protects us from pain, and it robs us too.

As we heal, we are more able to let ourselves feel the complicated, ever-changing emotions of our real life. I am immensely grateful to feel alive.