Sunday Community Class Norms
I always welcome knowing more about your experience and what will be helpful. Please email me lynnfraserstillpoint@gmail.com. We’ll periodically talk about this as a group too.
Creating Safe Enough Space and Connection with Each Other
The dynamic of these small groups is not a conversation. It is an opportunity for depth and somatic listening. It’s fine to pause before you speak and reflect on what you can share that will give people the gist or essence of what you want to convey. This gets easier with practice.
We are exploring deep intimate issues where we are vulnerable and tender. Take your time and honor what feels right for you to share and what to keep private in the moment.
What transforms us is the repeated experience of feeling safe enough within the group and being present with each other with kindness and open hearts.
Class set up and structure
20 minutes slides and somatic inquiry
30 minutes breakout rooms of 3 to 4 people
The small groups are co-facilitated, meaning that everyone takes responsibility and no one is in charge.
At the start, have someone volunteer to keep time for the others in the group in case someone goes way over. This happens sometimes. Rotate this responsibility.
Virtual Talking Stick and Co-Regulating
After you’ve decided the timekeeper, take about a minute for somatic regulating and do this between each speaker. As each person begins their turn, they might offer what they are doing as an invitation to the group. Not everyone will want to join in and that’s fine. Some examples:
You are welcome to sit in silence with me as we notice our breath.
I’m going to look around the room and notice cues of safety. I invite you to join me.
I feel supported when I hold my own hand, noticing the strength and warmth.
I am offering that we do 4 cyclic sighing breaths - deep double inhale, long slow exhale as though you are breathing out through a straw.
Before I begin sharing, you are welcome to join me in noticing my feet and seat and take a few long exhales.
After about a minute, the person begins sharing.
It is fine to sit in silence for part of your time. Indicate verbally when you’re ready to pass the “talking stick” to the next person.
Time is shared equally - if you have 4 people that’s about 6 minutes each
Each person is responsible for timing themselves. Set a timer about a minute before (eg at 5 minutes) to give yourself time to wrap up what you’d like to say. If you’re not set up for that or you would like the timekeeper to let you know, ask them for that. Otherwise the timekeeper will only interrupt if someone goes over by more than a few minutes.
When people are finished sharing and there is still some time, the timekeeper might ask if there is someone who would like to expand on their share OR you could simply do a round 2. Often as we listen and reflect, we find we have more to share. Remember here to stay focused on your experience and don’t refer directly to someone else’s share. For example, it is not okay to say “when you shared you have cancer, I want to let you know that I did too and I’m sure it will turn out alright.” We care about each other and want to offer comfort like we might in a friend dialogue, but that’s not the way we share in these small groups.
In small groups, it is ideal to be fully present and engaged and with your camera on. We are witnessing each other as we share from our heart. As much as possible, please don’t eat, check social media, or be engaged with something else during this time. Give your full attention to the person sharing and to your own somatic experience. If the only way you are comfortable to engage is with your camera off, introduce yourself verbally and mention that at the beginning of the small group time so people know.
If someone comments on your sharing and you would like to address it at the time, it is fine to remind them that our rules of engagement are that we don’t comment on each other’s shares.
15 - 20 minutes interaction as we come back together in the large group. I extended the time from an hour to 70 minutes to allow for more engagement here.
If you don’t often share in the larger group, please consider coming forward and speaking. Ideally it would be lovely to hear from everyone over time, including people who don’t go into the small groups. If you do often share, please hold back most weeks to encourage others to share. I’ve worked with this personally over many years and found that most things will be covered by others and that I could later contribute my unique insights.
Our intentions and the way we share
The safety and richness of the group is something we co-create together. Relating in groups can be uncomfortable and valuable. We are not going to do this perfectly and we will get more regulated and skilled over time. We can practice mindfulness of how our coping mechanisms can make it harder for others in the group.
Be mindful of content that you share and stay away from details that could be triggering for others. You might say what came up for me was a memory of when I was sexually harassed at work but not share the words or details.
We assume good intentions here. Most times when someone gets out of their lane and into ours, it is because they are emotionally dysregulated. We are uncomfortable and perhaps feeling powerless and jump into old habits of giving advice or offering comfort. We are edgy and in a flight response and disconnect.
It is not okay to hijack the group. If you feel that urge, stay silent, pass on your turn, or exit the group for the time being so you can regulate yourself.
We can work with letting go of shaming ourselves for our nervous system responses even as we become more connected. This is partly why I have a strong emphasis on somatic mindfulness in the inquiry and groups.
I am listening with the intent to get to know someone
I am listening somatically to more deeply know myself
I listen to understand, not in preparation to respond
I will remain aware of where I am on the polyvagal ladder and come back into regulation
Mindful listening is a beautiful offering to ourselves and others. It is a deep and advanced practice that can enhance experiences of authentic connection within ourselves and with others.
Confidentiality, Recordings, and Tech Stuff
We honor everyone and increase the safety of the space by keeping confidentiality. If you want to share your experience outside of the group, please do that by relating only the lessons or how that relates to you without any identifying details.
The first 20 minutes of slides with inquiry is published on YouTube. No participant names or faces are included in that.
The full class audio (not video) is included on the resources page. The participant page is password protected.
The breakout rooms are not recorded on Zoom.
Be aware that anyone can privately record video and audio on their computer.
In Zoom, you can change the name that displays on the group screen. Go to Participants and your name and More. Rename is an option there.
If you are moving about or have a lot of activity in your background, it can be distracting for others. You can blur your background by clicking on the icon that stops or starts your video and choosing that from the menu, or turn your camera off.
Questions, Reflections and Resources
Review these slides about witnessing and sharing.
Reflections on fear about sharing
Do you want to join and share in the breakout room on any given day? If so, what and how would you like to share?
Do you feel fear or trepidation about sharing? Where is that in your body?
The past is part of the evidence your nervous system is using. Are there associated traumatic memories and experiences of past shaming or awkwardness in groups?
What is your past experience of sharing in these breakout rooms? Other small groups?
What happens internally before, during, and after you share? Is your experience generally positive, in that you feel seen and connected?
Do you shame yourself? Inner critic? Sensations of shame in body? Is the shame appropriate to the level of vulnerability and what you shared (it is partly historical)?
What do I need?
What do I need from the other people in the group? To be seen? Validated? Cared for and about?
Is it hardest for me to stay quiet when it’s not my turn, and not comment/ support other people? Or is it harder for me to share when it’s my turn?
Some of us are comfortable speaking in groups and feel we have a lot to share and offer. That type of sharing is not the purpose in these groups.
Practice mindfulness around an urge to respond verbally to others. Does some of this come from your experience as a child who had to “take care of people”? Do you feel safer when you are verbally connecting? That might not be what the other person needs.
What is the experience of others?
What is your sense of the experience of others in the group? Are you aware of them? Judging them? In a fight response?
Do you feel connected with them? Disconnected? What happens next when you feel that?
If you don’t (or no longer) participate in the breakout rooms:
Not participating in the small groups is always an option. Some people prefer to journal or reflect on their own.
If something has happened to make participating difficult and you feel comfortable letting me know why, please do.
Making it better
We’re looking for a “safe enough” experience so people can share with each other on the inquiry topic. Let me know your suggestions for making this work better and deepening our experience of community and connection by return email and we’ll also discuss on Sunday.
Interacting with other people is never “easy” and it can be immensely rewarding. I appreciate that we can connect and work together in this way.