Trauma is stored in our body as sensations and energy along with associated thoughts and memories. We are all struggling with heightened feelings of danger right now. We can practice ways to lessen their intensity so you can remain grounded in the present moment. You will be able to identify when you are emotionally flooded and recognize common trauma responses of fight/flight/freeze/fawn: anger and lashing out; denial and escape; numbing out; and appeasing or people-pleasing.

When children experience hurt and neglect, they turn against themselves, and develop false core deficiency beliefs, like feeling unworthy or unlovable. As adults, we can nurture being in connection with ourselves and others we trust. We directly experience that we are no longer alone, hurt and powerless. Through cultivating kindness and compassion towards ourselves, we begin to know our own value. We no longer need to escape the present moment. We get to know and love ourselves, just as we are. As our nervous system settles, we are no longer so driven by catastrophic thinking and perfectionism. We are able to relax and enjoy our life.

The effect of abuse, hurt and emotional neglect on children is called Developmental Trauma because it affects our developing brain and nervous system. This limits our ability to make and sustain healthy connections and relationships. As we heal, our brain literally develops new neural networks for trust and connection.

Trauma causes disconnection. Emotional neglect makes us feel that we don’t matter, and was recently recognized as a significant driver of Developmental Trauma. We are not looking to place blame. It might be that your parents were overwhelmed with work, a sibling with medical issues, their own trauma, or addiction. Covid-19 has intensified this. Children have little control over their environment and parents. As adults, we now have more capacity to understand and heal our system.

Our survival system has one priority - to keep our body alive and safe. The primitive brain has a negativity bias, and is always on the lookout for danger. Neglect, abuse, and a lack of connection and protection are survival level threats for children. When children experience fear or isolation, they develop hypervigilance and are more easily triggered into fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses.

When we experience not feeling loved as a child, we believe it is because we are not lovable. We try desperately to connect with the adults we need for our survival. We turn against ourselves, believing there is something fundamentally wrong with us. We are unable to relax and risk being ourselves.

Strategies we develop with our limited childhood brain carry through into our adult lives. We freeze or numb out through daydreaming, dissociating, binge watching Netflix, gambling, video games, or we use food, alcohol and other drugs. People with a strong fight reflex lash out when they feel threatened, causing hurt and havoc in their relationships. Others emotionally disappear.

These are normal responses to distressing or frightening situations. Our survival system’s natural responses to threat are not a sign that there is something wrong with us. This is how our defense system works. These tendencies and ways of coping can return with more strength when we experience stress in our adult lives. This includes losing a job, grief, increased isolation during pandemic lockdowns, and feeling overwhelmed by the pain of modern life.

Difficult experiences from childhood or earlier adult life are stored in our body as feelings, energy and sensations along with associated thoughts and memories. In our attempt to avoid these feelings, we “live in our head” and try to figure out a solution in our mind. We may develop catastrophic and compulsive thinking, entertaining worse-case scenarios. We lose touch with ourselves and our own sense of intrinsic value. Many people internalize a mean inner critic.

The Stillpoint Method of healing trauma is rooted in neuroscience and yoga meditation. Modern scientific research validates the findings of 5,000 years of internal investigation by yogi’s about the nervous system, the powerful effect of healing practices of relaxation and breathing, and how meditation transforms our brain.

Neuroplasticity was discovered in 1998, just over twenty years ago. Prior to that, scientists thought adult brains had little capacity for change and growth.

People are stressed and suffering. Anxiety and depression are rising. Many people have lost the juiciness and joy of life. It is clear that our defensive strategies from childhood are no longer working. As adults, we have the capacity and skill to change. We had limited agency as children and that is no longer the situation. We can now afford to see the tremendous cost of avoidance and lashing out.

Remember the quote from Dr Gabor Maté? We can reverse engineer the path back to wholeness by connecting with ourselves, seeing through false core deficiency beliefs, and becoming interested in and available to ourselves.

In this book, you will learn to stay grounded in the present moment, to stop fearing the energy stored in your body, and to become more emotionally self-regulated. Working with simple practices of breathing and relaxation, as well as somatic mindfulness inquiry, the mind becomes calmer and clearer. You gain access to your higher level intuition and wisdom. You begin to know and like yourself. You learn about how trauma works, and to be present and on your own side.

Each topic features clear trauma education. You learn about your nervous system and fight/flight/ freeze/fawn. You begin to heal and feel safer. The anxiety that drives catastrophic thinking lessens, and you develop skills to interrupt these habitual patterns of suffering. You no longer helplessly watch worst-case scenarios take over your mind. This work is not easy or painless, and it is worth it.

A resilient, relaxed nervous system is possible. We can all develop skills to work more effectively with ourselves. Kindness and compassion help us to calm the inner critic and allow more confidence and ease in our daily life. We are on our own side. Freedom is possible.

Let’s begin with a simple four minute practice of relaxing the forehead and eyebrows. Allow your eyes to close or your gaze to soften, and focus on the subtle muscles of your forehead. As you exhale, let go of tension and let the muscles soften. If worry or thoughts intrude, simply bring your attention back to softening the muscles of your forehead and eyebrows. Breathe and focus on this for the next few minutes.

The health and resilience of our nervous system impacts every moment of our life. It determines our level of trust and feelings of physical and emotional safety. Our unconscious perception of threat affects our breathing and if we clench our jaw or hold tension in our upper back and shoulders. Fortunately, we now have powerful simple tools to regulate and calm our nervous system.

Mindfulness does not mean we blindly go along with whatever is happening. We are aware of our thoughts and internal sensations and energy. We use the higher level of our mind for clarity and understanding. We learn practices to reassure the primitive brain and survival system that triggers fight/flight/freeze/fawn.

Children often feel alone and powerless. Adults have more options to be present with ourselves. We can challenge worst-case scenario thinking. We notice we hold our breath so we learn to down-regulate emotionally through continuous, diaphragmatic breathing or extended exhalations of at least six seconds.

These practices are useful when you experience fear, or are perhaps beginning to panic, and they can help break the trance of catastrophic thinking. They are best used regularly as resilience building practices so they are available when you need them. Most people try several, then settle on two or three favorites.

We use our body to help us calm down. With these practices, we no longer feel so helpless because we know how to handle ourselves when we’re anxious or activated. We develop emotional self-regulation. Over time with regular practice, our nervous system is generally more regulated. When we are triggered into a trauma response, it is not as severe and we come back to a calmer state more easily and quickly.

We can afford to take more emotional risks because we are confident that we know how to support ourselves. Our nervous system really does set the tone for our enjoyment in daily life.

Emergency Practices Overview

One of the foundations of being friends with our own mind is to be able to work effectively with our thoughts, with our responses to our thoughts, and with the energy and sensations in our body that are stimulated by our thoughts.

Positive thoughts, like remembering someone we love, or basking in the glow of a beautiful sunset, create a feeling of relaxation and softness in our body. Neutral thoughts flow through without much of an effect.

Negative thoughts have the most power to attract our attention. Our survival system is set up to notice danger so we can protect ourselves. When we’ve been hurt and scared, it becomes a traumatic memory that triggers a tightening in our body. We bring our shoulders up around our ears, hold our breath, or clench our teeth. We learn tools to work directly with compelling catastrophic images so we are not as much at their mercy.

Thoughts are images (we see) and words (we hear or see). Images are still photos or video clips and are made up of colors and shapes. We can look at images of words, and see that some of the letters are curved and some have straight lines. Some have inside spaces, like O’s and D’s. The arrangement of letters conveys meaning to us when we understand the language.

We might hear words in a familiar tone of voice and react to that, especially when it reminds us of past danger or hurt. Sounds can feel threatening, as can smells. Our sense perceptions and memories all interact as part of the experience of thought.

When the words or images trigger sensation or energy in our body, they feel more true or real. In the next section we go more deeply into working with energy in our body. Many people experience ongoing high levels of activation in their nervous system that makes them feel vulnerable.

We have a survival system that responds to present experience through the filter of the past. Knowing how it works makes it easier to not shame ourselves or wish we had a different system. Just like scary experiences have built our present nervous system, so can using these tools build new neural pathways in our brain, and a calmer, more resilient mind.

Coming back into social connection after the pandemic is tough. We long for it and it still scares us. We abruptly associated life and death risk with other people’s breath. Our perception of threat and safety takes time and experiences to change.

Witnessing Thought:

Thoughts show up in the area of our brain, behind the forehead. Imagine your awareness is directly behind your head. Some people visualize that they are sitting in a movie theater, watching what comes and goes on the screen.

For at least a few seconds as we begin observing, all is quiet. Then words and images will begin to show up. It is easy to witness neutral thoughts. At some point, you notice you are engaged in a train of thought and are no longer the objective witness. Patiently bring your attention back and begin again.

Witnessing thought during a relaxation practice can help us become familiar with the sensations in our body, the content of our thoughts, and the intensity of the energy of our mind. Many of our thoughts are ruminating about the past, or worries and predictions about the future.

Three Main Types of Thoughts:

Descriptive Observations: My shoulders are up around my ears. I’m holding my breath. I feel my belly starting to soften as I breathe out. I notice the coolness of the air flowing into my nostrils.

Assessing and Judging What We Observe: I hate that I walk around with a tight gut all the time and a feeling of doom in the pit of my stomach. Urgh! I’ve just gotten lost in a train of thought. What is the matter with me that I can’t relax and focus? Or a kinder - there I go again - and patiently bring yourself back.

Random Other Thoughts: Because our brain is highly associative, one thought leads to another then another. We find ourselves thinking about something unrelated to the relaxation and the present moment. We are off in the past or future. Many of these thoughts are driven by our nervous system. Our primitive brain gathers evidence from the past and tries to predict the future so we can stay alive.

Three Tools to Work with Intrusive Thoughts:

Tapping, tracing and changing our focus are three simple ways to lessen the intensity of troubling thoughts. We no longer have to be at their mercy.

Tapping:

With two fingers, lightly tap on your forehead just above and between your eyebrows. Bring your attention away from the images or words and into the sound and sensation of the tapping. After a few dozen times, stop tapping and bring your awareness back to the thought. Most people find their thoughts lose intensity when they interrupt them with tapping. You can repeat this a few times. Put the image on the wall, or keep your eyes closed and bring the image alive in your mind’s eye, then begin tapping.

Tracing:

Put the image in a frame, then notice the frame, then the space on the outside of the frame. Take your eyes around the space on the outside a few times in each direction, then look back at the image. Notice if it has changed. You could also put a frame around a collage of pictures and trace the space on the outside of that.

Focus: Wide Angle and Narrow Lens:

With your eyes open, put the image of a word on the wall across from you. Notice some of the letters have space between them. Some are curvy and some are straight lines. Notice the font. Is it heavy and dark? Does it feel threatening and do you feel uncomfortable looking at it? Now notice the space between the letters. Notice the space between you and the letters. Notice the space behind the words on the wall. Then zoom in again to notice the shapes of the letters. Zoom out to look at the words and their meaning.

Working With Our Thoughts:

Combine these tools and move back and forth as you like. The key is to remain in present moment awareness. As soon as you notice you are lost in thought, come back to your body and breath.

Try this with your eyes open. If you have an intrusive thought, put a frame around the image and put that picture on a wall across the room. This reminds us we’re looking at an image. We are not actually back in the situation.

Break down the experience of thought into small pieces so you can work with them. Is it the look in someone’s eye? Color or shadows? Watch your responses to each and use the tools like tapping.

Break down the experience into sequences in time. If you are worried about an upcoming event, imagine it in steps, pausing at each step to notice your response and to come back into regulation.

The content of thought arises from our pool of associations, memories and experiences. We don’t plan thoughts. They arrive and sometimes we get very attached to them. We pay so much attention to thoughts of the past or future that we are no longer aware of what is going on in the present moment.

Our nervous system can’t tell the difference between something that is happening right now, a vivid memory of the past, or anxiety about the future. Traumatic memories are experienced as though we are in the time when they happened. This is why it is essential to stay grounded in your body, breath and present moment awareness as we work with thoughts and memories. With unresolved trauma, we may need the support of a therapist or safe person to help us stay regulated and present.

There are many ways to emotionally self-regulate and calm ourselves. Limiting our intake of violent images helps and this includes watching the news. If you want to stay informed, it is less alarming to your nervous system to read the news than take it in visually.

Two Types of Unhelpful Thoughts:

Ruminating is where we compulsively go over a situation because we need to have it turn out differently, or to experience a sense of agency that we didn’t at the time. If only I would have thought to say this. It is often combined with shaming or judging ourselves.

If that happens again, I will say ___ and confidently walk out of the room.

A way to use this function of the mind is by deliberately practicing strong positive exchanges in our mind. By vividly imagining a different outcome, we can build new neural pathways in the brain.

Catastrophic Thinking is where we imagine the worst possible outcome. Nothing bad has happened, but it feels like it in our body. This is part of the negativity bias of the brain.

Our brain does not have the capacity to negotiate the flood of images and fast pace of our modern world. Our brains developed to respond to first hand threats and aren’t well equipped to handle images of distance threat. Catastrophic thinking happens when we feel overwhelmed by potential danger. We are just trying to figure out a way to keep ourselves safe.

We feel that compulsively thinking of all possible sources of danger will keep us safer, but it doesn’t. A minimal amount of preparation is helpful. Going down a wormhole of worry actually exhausts us, and we suffer in a vividly imagined world of worst case scenarios. This is a habit we can and must stop.

Awareness of thoughts and our natural reactions to them are important for healing trauma.

We store trauma in our body along with associated memories and emotions. There is a growing understanding that trauma needs to be healed somatically, meaning that we need to heal through our body.

In order to heal through our body, we need to feel in our body. We need to let in what we have resisted and suppressed.

Everyone tries to avoid physical and emotional pain. No one likes to feel powerless. We resist feeling what is going on in our body. We are afraid that if we ever start feeling, it will never stop hurting.

Stored trauma can show up as a heaviness in the chest or a black pit in the stomach. We clench our teeth or tighten our neck and shoulders. Suppressing stored trauma takes a lot of energy and it eventually no longer works.

People reach a tipping point when we realize the cost of suppressing is more than we can afford, and that it is possible to heal. When we have a lot of stored trauma, it can feel overwhelming to tune in to our body. With the proper support and tools, we can release our pain and suffering.

We don’t want to dive right into traumatic memories. It doesn’t help to be aggressive or pushy. We begin with building strength and resilience in the nervous system through guided relaxation practices like this one.

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Relax your forehead and eyebrows. As you let the muscles soften, relax your eyes and eyelids. You can have your eyes closed or open with a soft gaze.

Notice the flow of breath in your nostrils. It feels cooler as you breathe in, and warmer when you breathe out. Stay with that for several breaths.

Relax the hinges of your jaw, and if your teeth are clenched, put a bit of space between your upper and lower jaw. Let your tongue soften on the floor of your mouth and relax your throat and vocal cords.

Many people brace themselves through the neck and the large muscles of the upper back. Let your shoulders soften and relax away from your ears. Let the relaxation flow down through your arms.

You might notice a tightness in your breath or that you’re holding your breath. Relax your stomach and let your breath move a bit deeper. Stay with this for a few minutes and return to it a few times a day when you’re waiting for something, before a meal, or before you sleep.

As we regulate our nervous system, we can more easily work with sensations, energies and feelings in the body. We need to stay grounded in the present moment, aware of our body and breath.

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Trauma is stored with associated memories and thoughts. We build the resilience to stay present in our body as we get to know and understand our body through breathing and relaxation. We learn tools like the emergency practices from section two and tapping, tracing and focus from section three.

The purpose of our nervous system is to alert us to possible danger. It is not sophisticated or nuanced. Its motto is “better safe than sorry”. Through mindfulness tools, we can work more effectively with thoughts, especially ones that trigger sensation in our body. Notice the feelings, energy or sensations in your body right now and experiment with the following.

Image:

Does the sensation have a color or shape? Do you have an image of it? If so, work with it as an image. You could put a frame around it and do tapping, tracing or change the focus.

Location:

As an example, let’s work with a feeling of a black hole or tightness in your stomach. Can you feel it up into your ribcage, down into your legs, or is it mostly a few inches around your navel center? Notice that no energy goes on infinitely. Does it go right out to the edge of your body or a bit past? Does it have a defined ending or does it taper off until you can no longer feel it?

Description: How would you describe it to a scientist? Is there a sense of movement or is it still? Is it hot or cold? If it is painful, is it a dull ache or sharp pain?

Awareness of Space: Notice the space all around the energy. Even if it fills up your whole body, there is space all around your body. If it is centered in your stomach, notice the space above and below the sensation.

When a sensation feels too intense, take a step back. Notice the space around the energy. Open your eyes. Move around. Take some deep breaths. Try some regulating practices to calm yourself.

Remain aware of your body and breath. As memories come up, staying grounded in the present moment helps us know it is not happening right now.

Can you go into the center of the feeling and rest your attention there? Look at the world as though from the inside of that energy if you can, or you could continue to pay attention from the outside and notice the space around it.

Mining the Energy:

We’re asking questions not to the mind but to the energy. Ask, then listen to see what comes up. We want to know why this sensation is here.

Is it here to hurt you? Sensations are generally here to get our attention and to warn and protect us.

Notice if you can welcome the feeling. This is something going on inside of you. Sometimes we might fear we would be overwhelmed if we allow it in, and as children, we were. We didn’t have an environment where we were emotionally connected to help us understand and release the feelings. We didn’t have good options then. We lashed out or numbed out. We disconnected from ourselves.

Disconnection leads to a feeling that there is something wrong with us and it increases the feeling of threat. Getting to know the energy and sensations in our body is a rich way to get to know ourselves.

We realize that even painful sensations are not here to hurt us. We want to listen and offer comfort.

The key to freedom is when we no longer fear our own body and mind. We welcome what we were unable to process with our child’s brain development and position of needing protection.

We are adults now and can build resilience and resources. We welcome and we heal. We become free from being triggered all the time, and from that feeling of chronic dread and anxiety so prevalent in the Western world.

It can be helpful and often necessary to be with someone who understands trauma and whom you trust as you begin to explore this territory. They can facilitate the process, remind you to breathe and stay grounded, and help you feel safer.

The sensations in our body are never here to hurt us. They are here to alert us to danger and to protect us. There is always a reason for the energy in our body. It isn’t random that we brace our shoulders when we feel attacked. This is our nervous system and primitive brain trying to protect us.

Some people protect themselves into an environment where they are not interacting with anyone. We don’t trust people because they have hurt us. Letting down our protective walls isn’t something we can heal by thinking. It is happening in our nervous system and the remedy lies in going directly into our body.

We didn’t have the capacity and resources to be present when we were children. Now we can support ourselves through relaxation and breathing practices to calm our nervous system and build resilience.

As we get to know ourselves, we realize that there is actually nothing fundamentally wrong with us at our core. We can afford to be present with our whole being and experience.

I am free because I’m not suppressing anything.

I know and trust myself. I feel compassion for my ____ year old who felt overwhelmed and alone.

I am strong and have tools to rebuild resilience in my nervous system.

I am capable and interested in healing and being present with myself.

This is something each one of us can do with the right help, tools and understanding. We don’t need to be afraid of the energy in our body. It just wants to be seen and known.

Healing our childhood trauma can also help cultivate the strength and resilience in our mind and nervous system to handle current life threats, like those that intensified during the pandemic.

One of the ways we defend ourselves is through the fight response. We lash out verbally with cutting remarks or sometimes are also physically violent. People whose primary trauma response is anger or rage understandably have more trouble with relationships.

What happens when we are emotionally flooded? Adrenaline and cortisol flood our system and we feel like we are fighting for our life. We say things we don’t really mean that are intended to hurt.

Feeling powerless is often what triggers a threat response. We are trying to keep ourselves safe. Many people who are triggered into rage shame themselves for having that response, but feeling anger is biologically preferable to feeling shame or helplessness. Anger and mobilizing into fight is one of our normal responses to situations where we perceive a threat.

It is scary if you or someone in your life goes into rage. Anger so often feels justified, especially anger at someone else or at the world and anger can be a healthy response to injustice. How we express or suppress anger also counts, and that is often conditioned in childhood.

Anger:

Take a moment to notice what your body feels like right now. There is a certain energetic feel to anger. Low-level irritation feels different from rage. It isn’t the same as anger stewing on the back burner ready to explode with the right trigger, or someone cold and implacable plotting for revenge.

If you’re feeling angry or you can bring up a situation where you were angry, notice the details. What is the circumstance? What are your thoughts? Where do you feel it in your body? How would you describe it? Does it affect your breath?

Take some deeper breaths for a moment and notice the energy and sensations in your body. If you feel angry right now, how do you know that’s anger? Do you feel it in your whole body? Is it in your chest and arms? Is it hot and painful? Is it still or moving? Is it hot and fiery, or cold and implacable?

Notice any words or images. Memories of situations come up with the energy of anger.

Maintain mindfulness that you are doing an inquiry. You’re not actually in a threatening situation. You can afford to take time to stay grounded, breathe and inquire.

Tune in to the space around the energy. Focus on your breath and the feeling of your feet on the ground. Is it safe to be angry? What is your felt sense of that? If you pay attention to the anger will it get stronger? Could it cause you to explode?

Notice you are working with feeling the energy, not expressing it. Can you welcome the energy in your body? Put your attention right into the location where you feel it most strongly. Ask the energy some mining questions.

Why are you here? What are you angry about? What do you need? Anger can be a fiery clear way to help us see the truth.

Listen. We are not trying to figure it out in the mind. We are listening and paying attention as thoughts come up, so we can learn what is associated with our anger.

Are you making yourself wrong because you feel anger? Do you allow yourself to feel angry? Stay connected with your breath and your whole body as you look.

What are some of your beliefs about anger? It’s scary. I’m bad. What beliefs did you absorb as a child about anger?

Is there anything else here besides anger? Is there sadness that needs attention? Are you open to feeling that?

Anger may cover hurt feelings and betrayal. We are all sensitive to being excluded, and this is something many friends and family are working with around being vaccinated. Our conscious mind knows it is not personal when someone vaccinated is wary of being around someone not vaccinated, yet we can feel very hurt and rejected. We distract ourselves with a fight response and anger.

We have a range of experience with anger. Children are often the target of inappropriately expressed anger. Someone is in a rage and they take it out on us. It is terrifying. Sometimes there is an immediate life threat. When there is ongoing violence or threat of violence in a home, it generates a pervasive fear that damages a child’s nervous system.

With any strong emotion, remember to stay grounded by focusing on your body and breath. You could tap on your forehead, or take a break from it and come back to the inquiry another time.

We are afraid of other people’s anger, especially if we have known someone who is violent or abusive.

Notice if there is a fear of your own anger. Is there a sense it needs to be controlled, or that it is not safe to let it out?

Reflect back on your experiences as a child. Were you allowed to feel anger? What happened when you expressed it, or did you suppress it because it was never safe to be angry? We can see through those beliefs now we are adults.

What does your expression of anger mean about you? Does that make you a certain kind of person? Is there shame or judgment around feeling angry? Shaming ourselves is different from taking responsibility for hurt we caused through our expression of anger.

Are you afraid of what might happen if you start to feel anger now or express it?

As adults, we can get to know ourselves and develop more helpful strategies. It starts with recognizing when we feel threatened and emotionally flooded. Knowing that it takes about twenty minutes for adrenaline and cortisol to recede and for our higher level cognitive thinking brain to come back online, we could say something like “I’m angry right now. I need some time to work this through. Let’s meet again in a half hour after I’ve walked it off.”

We don’t have mastery at first. There might be a fear of feeling anger and certainly about expressing it. Stay connected with your body. We’re just giving ourselves some room to look at our experiences and beliefs. If you weren’t allowed to express anger as a child, is that still true now? Are you preemptively suppressing how you feel in order to protect yourself and others?

Tune into the anger in your body. Does it feel like it wants to hurt you? Is it here to protect or help you? Whatever your answer, notice how you know that. Look into your relationship with that. Do you need to get rid of it or does it feel workable? Is it something you could welcome to be here?

Anger is a normal healthy response to situations of injustice and abuse. It can be a cover-up for sadness or shame. It is intense and can feel scary.

There are practices we can do to work with anger. Smooth, even diaphragmatic breathing helps, as do longer exhalations. Be mindful of your inner state when you feel emotionally flooded and take a twenty minute break.

Notice the difference between feeling anger and expressing it.

Observe like a scientist. How would you describe it to yourself? Notice the space all around the energy. Notice the emotion and sensation often dissipates on its own as we feel it.

Intense anger can be intrusive and we might need a strong practice of inquiry and tapping or tracing. It grabs our attention and feels urgent.

Notice as you’re paying attention if you are willing to let things cool off. Can you do practices to down-regulate? We can get attached and charged up with anger that feels justified. Set aside the question of right or wrong. We’re working with anger as an energy, noticing what it feels like in our body. Stay as a witness or observer, grounded and present in your body and breath.

Could you have compassion for yourself? The experience of anger can be difficult and triggering. There is a compulsiveness in our thoughts. Our bodies get tight and contracted. Bring kindness and compassion to yourself and acknowledge the difficulty and intensity of anger.

Guided Practice: Grief and Anger

Are you feeling fiery? Try this cooling yoga practice of sitali breathing.

Sitali breathing:

Open your mouth and stick out your tongue. Curl it so you make a straw or channel to inhale through. If you can’t form a channel (it’s genetic), let the air flow over the coolness of your tongue.

Breathe in through that cool wetness in the channel you created with your tongue, then close your mouth and breathe out naturally through your nose. Do sitali breathing for a few minutes to release fiery energy on the spot or as a daily practice.

When things get too hard, when we feel scared and powerless, or when we’re unhappy and feel unsafe, our nervous system activates our defensive mechanisms of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. This is normal. It is the way our nervous system works.

Developmental trauma refers to the impact of our childhood experiences on the development of our brain and nervous system. Human beings have a need to be connected with each other. A lack of connection is experienced as a survival level threat, especially by children. We need food, shelter and we need social connection.

One of the major mechanisms to protect ourselves is disconnection. We find some way to leave emotionally. We pay a high price for this. We lose a sense of our own value. When we are not taken care of and attuned with emotionally, we feel invisible. This is devastating to a child.

We blame ourselves. It is too risky to blame our parents, because we need to hang onto some hope of change. If it is our fault, if we could be quieter or smarter, then maybe they will love and protect us. They would stop hurting us. False core deficiency beliefs that we are unlovable arise with these experiences. We feel inherently broken and unworthy. The truth is that our parents are hurting us, not seeing us, and not protecting us for reasons related to their own trauma and circumstances.

Children who are well cared for and parented appropriately develop neural networks for trust and connection. Because our brain has the capacity to change throughout our whole life, it is not too late. We can develop those pathways as adults.

It doesn’t make sense to blame ourselves for not having the opportunity for optimal brain development earlier in life, yet many of us do. Healing our brain and releasing the grip of fight/ flight/freeze/fawn can seem like an impossible task. It’s true that it is not a quick fix. We need new experiences to develop positive neural networks and strengthen our nervous system.

We want to connect with other people and to have a rich social network of friends and community. The problem is that we’re often hurt by others. Protecting ourselves leads to further isolation and cements the idea we’re not lovable.

“To feel safe, we need an absence of threat plus a feeling of being connected.” Dr Stephen Porges

We are able to be open and authentic only when we feel emotionally and physically safe and we are not worried about being judged. Isolation to protect ourselves emotionally doesn’t really work. Enforced social isolation during the pandemic increases our protection from the virus, but at a significant emotional and social cost.

We can’t expect to have a healthy brain and nervous system and to feel safe with people if that hasn’t been our experience. Our brains change with new experiences. There are proven ways to work with what troubles us, to develop healthier patterns, and let go of beliefs we formed due to our experiences in the past.

Our brain and nervous system drive compulsion and catastrophic thinking. Disconnection driven by abuse and neglect is a major dysfunction and cause of suffering.

What does the freeze response look like in modern life? I would have said I was calm. Actually I was numb and shut-down most of my adult life at a high cost. It feels like living a half life. In some people it can show up as feeling anxious and depressed. We know something is wrong and that we need to connect with others, but we’re stuck. We’re frozen.

Escape or flight takes many forms. We may be addicted to food, alcohol and other drugs. Perhaps we get relief using shopping, gambling or overwork. Addiction is a common trauma response and is rampant in our society because it is so effective in helping us escape.

Some escape strategies are more socially approved, like a glass of wine or binge watching Netflix, and they can be useful as a way to relax. When they are driven by a need to suppress feelings or an urgency to not experience our body, then it has morphed from a source of enjoyment or a way to let off steam, to a source of suffering. We have seen a significant increase in these since 2020.

The antidote for disconnection is mindfulness. Tune in to your whole experience. We often don’t notice we’re numbing and isolating ourselves unless it gets extreme. Recent research on loneliness indicates a negative impact on our lifespan and certainly on our happiness and the quality of our life. We intuitively know connection is important.

We freeze or flee because we’re not sure we can afford to feel and see clearly. We need direct experiences that it is okay to be present to our lives and our feelings. This is what updates our previous conditioning.

There are many ways to gently bring ourselves into closer connection within. Learn some of the emergency practices we covered earlier, so you can stay grounded in the present moment. It takes time for our nervous system to be reassured and soothed. We need to widen our window of tolerance for experiencing feelings and emotion. There’s no rush. Try it for a few minutes. Get some support. Do a guided practice. It is a great relief to experience ourselves directly.

What Does My Heart Know That I Might Know?

Bring your attention to your whole body from head to toes. Get comfortable.

Bring one or both hands up to cover your heart center. Notice the sensation of warmth. Tune in to your own experience right now.

We have intelligence in the brain in the head, our gut instincts and the heart. This is not a question for our head. We bring our attention in to the heart center and listen.

What does your heart know about numbing out?

Why was it necessary?

Is it still necessary?

Right now, is it okay to be connected with your heart center?

There are no right or wrong answers. Notice if you get carried away in thought and bring yourself back. With your hand on your heart, listen. Be open to more. What does your heart know?

Guided Practice: What Does My Heart Know?

If I Were Free

If I were completely free to be authentically me, I would …

If you were completely free, what would you bring into your life and heart, and what would you release? Let yourself visualize what that would be like. What is your felt sense of being free?

If social anxiety and perfection fell away, what would that look like in your life? We all want to be approved of and included. What is your window of tolerance for someone not approving of you? How does scanning for validation limit you?

I know in every cell of my body that it’s okay for me to be me.

I keep discovering my own good heart.

What I bring to the world is precious.

What is your response to these sentences?

When we look deeply into freedom, our daily life might not look too different. Inside though! We’re not as scared. We are confident that other people want to get to know us.

When we are afraid or seeking approval, we are in fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. It is hard for us to connect kindly with ourselves let alone others. Our walls are up and we are reactive instead of open.

With accurate neuroception, we are clear and able to identify actual threats. We don’t bring in decades of hurt to this present moment. We are able to regulate our nervous system and open our hearts. We can be ourselves. This freedom is worth working for!

Guided Practice: If I Were Free

Shame is a tool to teach young people the rules of our culture and to maintain social order and hierarchy. It is meant to create an immediate bad feeling to arrest an action quickly. Ideally, shaming of a behavior is followed quickly by a repair and connection, so we know that we are not a bad person. It is our behavior that was not okay.

The evolutionary value of shame is that it helps people behave socially to fit in. We have a survival level need to belong in a community. We can’t afford to be kicked out or ostracized.

Toxic shame is when we internalize the feeling there is something inherently and deeply wrong with us. We feel ashamed of being who we are. We learn to believe “I’m bad. I’m disgusting. I’m unlovable”. Shame drives the inner critic and core deficiency beliefs.

As adults we begin to understand that the strategies we had as a child were based on our brain development, lack of power and protection, and not wanting to feel helpless. We can see now it was never our fault. We didn’t cause our childhood trauma and we are not to blame.

What would happen if you let go of these beliefs? Do you still need them? Many people are conditioned to believe we need to drive ourselves to produce, to be functional in society, to make a go of our life, and to get ahead.

When we feel shamed, we collapse. We can’t move. Extensive research around body shaming confirms it does not help us lose weight and this applies to shaming ourselves generally. It doesn’t work. It is harmful and we need to let it go.

Awareness is the first step to come out of shame. Mindfulness helps us become aware of the sensations in our body and thoughts in our mind. Our inner critic may have been driving us since we were very young, and be a familiar background noise we might not even notice.

To stop internal shaming, we need to start where we are and not wait until we are somehow better to be worthy of accepting ourselves.

Self acceptance and compassion rewire earlier shame experiences. A lack of self-compassion keeps shame alive.

Shame Inquiry:

Does how you are shaming yourself even fit the facts? Is the level of shaming appropriate to the situation?

Would you judge so harshly if it was a dear friend who made that mistake?

Can you let go of being aggressive with yourself and the need to be perfect and in control?

Can you cultivate gratitude and self-compassion to help move out of the isolation and self-loathing of shame and into social connection?

Guided practice: Your Life Without Shame

Shame is an experience we feel in our whole body. We can’t think our way out of it. We have an immediate desire to make it go away at all costs. When we feel shamed, we typically lower our head and eyes, and roll our shoulders over and down. There could be a feeling of nausea and ringing in the ears. The breath could be held or shallow.

We lose our sense of humor and have no sense of perspective. Shame feels like a threat. We feel exposed and without value.

Move shame out of your body by changing your body position. Stand up and move around. Breathe deeply or do box breathing (Day two). Bring your eyes up and look outward. Make eye contact with someone friendly (live or a picture). Bring your shoulders back and down to open your chest. Bring awareness to the soles of your feet and palms of your hands.

As we work with shame we learn we can tolerate the feeling. It doesn’t shut us down anymore in quite the same way, and we know how to come out of a shame storm.

To really heal shame we need to shift from the “I am bad” false core deficiency belief to a behavior focus. It could be true that you have done something wrong and need to change your behavior. You might be disappointed in yourself. This shift to shaming the behavior helps you know there is nothing wrong with you at your core.

Putting everything on the table is an antidote to shame. This is who I am. This is how I feel. This is what I’ve worked through.

Cultivate kindness for yourself. Many people in the situation you were in would have done the same. You are not required to be perfect to be lovable. We gradually are able to afford to see ourselves clearly with acceptance and compassion.

Guided Inquiry: Shame in Our Body

The inner critic is that voice in our head that condemns, ridicules, and shames us. As you read below, pause to reflect between sentences.

What is your inner critic’s job? What is it trying to accomplish? Did it take over from a parent? Stay connected with your breath and body as you look into this. What is your inner critic trying to accomplish?

Bring a specific situation to mind and visualize it vividly. Stay connected with your body and breath as you’re looking. What was the underlying intent of the inner critic in this situation? Is it possible it was trying to get you to hold back and protect you? Is it related to a social or emotional threat?

How effective is your inner critic? Did it accomplish your goal? Are there other ways you could have met that need? Take your time with this inquiry.

Do you feel shamed by your inner critic? Look back through your life and see how the patterns of inner criticism developed and how your core deficiency beliefs play into it. Maybe you were shamed by your parents, teachers or peers, and now you are shaming yourself.

What would happen if you could let go of your false core deficiency beliefs and inner critic? What does that possibility feel like in your body? Is it safe to let go of this? If you were never again to have that critical voice driving you, would you get out of bed in the morning? Would you ever do something challenging?

The inner critic does not help us. Research backs this up. It keeps us playing small so we won’t be judged. Only when we are free from the inner critic are we able to be authentic and open. We are not as worried about other people’s judgment. The gut level memory of being shamed fuels our inner critic so we can avoid it happening again.

Is there a longing in you to know yourself and really be on your own side? If the role of the inner critic is to keep you safe by protecting you from other people’s judgments, what other way could you accomplish that?

Kindness and compassion are the answer. The inner critic is actually trying to help. Can you turn that into an inner encourager that will support healthy change, connection and happiness?

Perfectionism and controlling are an attempt to protect ourselves from being hurt.

Compassion for ourselves when we’re having a difficult time helps us to be open, honest and vulnerable. Shame needs darkness and secrecy to stay alive. Self-compassion is a way to move out of isolation and self-loathing. It is a powerful experience to take the risk and share who we are.

What is the cost of continuing to be aggressive with yourself and treating yourself like the enemy? Once we understand the origin and drivers, we can challenge the inner critic. Be firm with your mind. Our bodies react to these words in our head as though they are the capital T Truth.

Use your breath, tapping, tracing, box breathing, or any of the emergency practices to interrupt the momentum. How can you reassure yourself in this moment? Can you include yourself in your circle of kindness and compassion? Your mind might resist and that’s okay. It takes time and practice.

Keep coming back to your intention. I am on my own side. I feel compassion for myself right now in this moment. It is safe to be present and connected.

Guided Inquiry: Gain Freedom From the Inner Critic

Why are we not kind to ourselves? We can be compassionate with strangers, yet freeze up when it comes to ourselves. We are starved for kindness, but we can’t give ourselves a break. The reasons for this stem back to childhood and our strategies for survival. We took the blame for what went wrong because we couldn’t afford to accept that our parents were responsible. If we were the one who were broken or defective, we had hope for change. We could keep trying to fix ourselves and finally be safe.

Most people routinely minimize the trauma they experienced, no matter how severe. This too stems from our emotions being not seen or disregarded. Sometimes people made fun of us when we were upset or made the mistake of showing our feelings. We were told “You’re too sensitive” or “Quit your bellyaching or I’ll give you something to cry about.” This leaves us feeling alone and abandoned. We internalize core deficiency beliefs and that it is not worth taking the time to feel. No one is interested anyway. This drives us into shut down and disconnect.

Like a frozen limb coming back to life, seeing the truth and feeling our emotions can be painful at first. We take our time so we don’t re-traumatize ourselves by pushing. We need to build new neural networks in the brain. With the right understanding and support, we heal.

It is a radical practice to cultivate compassion and connect within. Open Kind Heart Playlist

We carry childhood beliefs and our inner critic into adult life. We are not so broken that we need to be shamed to conform and be acceptable. We want to fit in. Dr Gabor Maté speaks of how we disconnect from ourselves and our sense of value. Being unkind to ourselves is one way this looks in daily life.

The following statements are a reverse inquiry more than an affirmation. When we say something we know isn’t true, our unconscious mind will throw up a rebuttal, sometimes taking the form of core deficiency beliefs, like a sinking feeling that we are fundamentally unworthy and unlovable.

I am willing to cultivate kindness with myself without conditions - with the mind and body I have, with my imperfections, how I’m sometimes jealous or crabby, and with my hypervigilant nervous system. Still, I offer myself kindness, compassion, unconditional love and acceptance.

I am interested in deeply knowing myself. I am worth getting to know. I like and respect myself.

If you were scolded as a child, valuing yourself may feel uncomfortable. “Don’t be so full of yourself.” “Who do you think you are?” “Don’t get too big of a head.”

These toxic thought patterns can combine with an innate dread of feeling painful emotions and stirring up memories. We are afraid of being hurt and feeling powerless like we did as a child.

It is possible I don’t have to defend myself against knowing who I am. It is safe for me to know myself. If that doesn’t feel 100% true for you right now, could you be open to the possibility?

There is so much joy and beauty in a human life and there is so much hardship. Compassion comes more naturally when we acknowledge that our personal situations can be difficult. There is so much pressure about how we should be, that there is not much room for our humanity.

We can make space in our own mind and hearts for the wonderful complexity of being human. We live in these mammal bodies with primitive brains. We gather evidence throughout our lives about what is safe and what’s not. We have a negativity bias and our whole system is set up to keep our body alive. On top of that, we live around and are affected by people who are not emotionally self-regulated.

For a few minutes, we’re taking time to be present with ourselves and to practice kindness and compassion. Bring your attention to your heart center right now and notice how you feel.

We all enjoy feeling open hearted and don’t enjoy feeling shut down. However you feel right now will not be helped by judging yourself. Tune in to your whole body from head to toes. Soften your forehead and eyebrows, mouth and jaw. Relax your neck and shoulders, and the large muscles of your upper back. Breathe out and let your stomach softly settle back towards your spine. If you habitually hold your breath, let go of shaming yourself for your breathing patterns.

Can you be kind to yourself? You didn’t set out to become a wreck with a tight body, dysregulated breathing and catastrophic thinking! These are trauma responses.

Visualize using all of your senses. What would your life be like if you were consistently kind and compassionate with yourself? Feel it in your body to start. It would be relaxed and you would have lots of energy. Your breath would be healthy and smooth, getting lots of oxygen into your brain and body.

Your mind would be calmer. You would notice and challenge any shaming or judging thoughts because they are not the norm now. These thoughts are not true and they are not helpful.

You are present with yourself, grounded in your body. Without tension and tightness, you move more easily and your health is better.

What would people see on your face, this face of a person who is kind with themselves?

What would your relationships be like? If you feel isolated now, and have anxiety about meeting new people, that would change. If people were not such a threat, there would be more kindness and compassion for others as well. That naturally grows out an undefended heart.

If you feel resistance to this exercise, see if you could have compassion for yourself that you’re feeling resistance. We’re not performing monkeys. We get to have whatever experience we have, and then we could be soft with ourselves.

Rest your attention into your heart center. Let go of resistance just for a moment. Notice what it feels like in your heart center. You could be present with yourself and feel.

With mindfulness inquiry, there is no right or wrong answer. We’re tuning in to see what is happening in our system - body, breath, and thoughts in the mind.

Whatever is happening in our system has been formed by experience. Tension in your body or unhealthy thinking patterns are a response to fear and threat.

Now our practice could be to hold ourselves with kindness, to see the truth and stop shaming, and to hold space for the possibility of being kind and compassionate with ourselves.

Bring your attention to your heart center with the intention to appreciate the complex and wonderful system of your body. Could that actually be true? Guided Practice

We routinely disconnect from our body and ignore its needs. Think of some times when you valued emotional comfort over your physical health and well-being. As you do, place a hand on your belly and breathe smoothly.

What was going on? Did you stay up late binge-watching tv or playing video games because you were avoiding painful emotions? Did you drink or eat too much? Do you clench your teeth or show other signs of anxiety and stress in your body? Do you physically self-harm in other ways?

What is your relationship to pain or weakness in your body? Do you feel let down or betrayed? Even if you don’t like what is going on in your body, can you be kind with yourself about it?

Can you think of some things you like about your body? What kind of messages do you routinely give your body? Does it include shaming or hating the size or condition of your body? Does your body feel like an enemy?

My body always does its best for me, under some very difficult conditions.

I am willing to consider the needs of my body and to develop a closer, kinder relationship with it.

Visualize times you have felt joy in your heart, the exhilaration of riding your bicycle, or the warmth of a hug. Remember and feel the delight in your body.

Your conscious mind might get involved and point out times you’ve done something not in your best interest. We’re not really interested in the conscious mind right now. We’re settling into the heart, to our deep knowing. We’re nurturing our willingness to be kind and compassionate with our body.

Transforming our relationship with our body can start with small steps. Coming back into connection with our body is part of healing trauma. We might notice we feel cold and get a sweater. We get up from our desk and stretch. We take ourselves out for a walk or commit to getting more sleep.

We watch for contempt or unkindness in how we speak to ourselves and we stop, take a deep breath, and soften. We can heal our trauma responses and value our body just as it is. We have all developed unhelpful habits and we can change.

We disconnected from our bodies over a long period of time. We might feel frustrated that we still feel anxious or stuck. We heal through many small experiences of kindness and connection. This is something we can all offer to ourselves.

I am cultivating welcoming myself as I am. How might I bring kindness to my relationship with myself today?

From the perspective of mindfulness inquiry, it is not as important what we see, as that we are paying attention and that we are interested in a close and accepting relationship with ourselves.

Guided Inquiry: Gratitude and My Body

Many people these days are feeling social pressure to trade their physical health and survival for attachment and inclusion. If you have been vaccinated against Covid-19, you might strongly feel that everyone should for the public good. If you are hesitant or against the vaccine, you might feel judged or that people see you as dirty. You might unwillingly get the vaccine so you can see your children or grandchildren. You might be in a family or social circle where you can discuss it reasonably, or it might be an ongoing source of disruption in important relationships.

Nobody wants to be excluded. No one wants to have to make hard decisions and say hard things. It can be difficult to understand when someone sees something the opposite of the way we do.

Our nervous systems have all been impacted by the pandemic. Many people experienced relief at the slower pace. Our response depended on if we were safe with the people in our family, and who we were not able to see. Of course many people were directly impacted by illness and death from Covid.

Lockdown meant we were abruptly without many of our usual ways of regulating and enjoying ourselves. Zoom cocktail hour is a poor substitute for actually getting together with friends. You couldn’t go to the gym to work off stress, get a haircut, or a massage. Travel and vacations were over.

It is highly distressing to be on the other side from family, partners and close friends when it comes to life and death situations like our beliefs about Covid. When our nervous systems detect threat, we are more likely to be emotionally flooded and lose access to our higher level brain function. Being caught in fight/flight/freeze certainly explains the intensity of people’s behavior.

It is an advanced practice to cultivate being open hearted and compassionate towards yourself and people who hold opposite views. We feel a range of emotions from grief to outrage, anger, confusion and back to sadness. These are potentially life and death decisions. Regulating our nervous system will help us keep our heart open and our higher level brain online. These are complex times.

Guided Inquiry: Covid Boundaries

Bring to mind something you think you should have done differently. We can use an example of being socially isolated. You could work with that or another experience.

Imagine you are sitting with one of your children or a dear friend, and they are sharing a difficult situation. It’s the same as yours. They see the cost of isolating themselves. They understand the mechanism of it and how it grew through their childhood. They didn’t feel connected and those neural networks didn’t develop optimally.

They want to be more socially connected, yet they’re afraid. They have been hurt so many times, and their nervous system is in a state of hypervigilance. They are invited to a party and they drive up, but can’t make themselves go inside. Or they go in and feel so uncomfortable that they make an excuse and leave.

Notice what it feels like in your body as you are listening to them. What would you say to them?

What would you say to yourself? Get out of the car. Stop being so stupid. This is ridiculous.

Would you say that to them? Is the kindness and empathy you feel for them available to you? Can you be supportive to yourself the way you are to them?

This inquiry can help us see clearly how hard-hearted we can be towards ourselves. Put your hand on your heart. Bring to mind the face of your friend. Feel the compassion you have for them. Allow yourself to feel that for you as well.

You could go back and forth between the image of your friend and yourself. Imagine you are saying those supportive words to you, replacing the critical voice with the kind one. If you can be kind and compassionate with your friend, can you extend that to yourself? Stay with it as long as you like and come back to it whenever you feel closed down or hard-hearted.

Bring it vividly to mind. How would you feel if this happened to someone you love? Can you bring some kindness and compassion to yourself?

Connecting with ourselves is the prerequisite to authentic and vulnerable connection with others. Without it, we are almost untouched by someone’s love and affection. One barrier is our false core deficiency beliefs of being unlovable. I’m not worthy of their attention. Another is a nervous system response of fight/flight/freeze. We are not available. Through this healing work, we gradually see through these false beliefs and come to accept and honor ourselves.

Our relationship with ourselves is key. Each section of the book has been nurturing a connection with ourselves. We understand what caused the disconnection and how the inner critic developed. As we heal and release trauma, our inner experience changes. We become more patient and kind internally and are able to connect more easily with others.

I still get triggered and seem to need other people’s approval. I sense it is possible to be free from that and be on my own side so firmly that it doesn’t matter as much what other people think.

It is safe to let others know me. I am a good human being. I am not perfect. I am good enough.

What is your felt sense of your emotional experience right now? What thoughts came up in response to those sentences? Scan the back of your body. Are you settled and soft through the back? See if you could relax more completely and take some deeper breaths.

Once we have a solid connection with ourselves, and we’re not waiting until we’re somehow perfect, it changes our relationships with other people.

Are you someone who enjoys other people and looks forward to getting together? Many of us have had enough experiences of being hurt that thinking about being with other people creates a fear response. Long before you actually meet up with someone, you’re strategizing on how you’re going to handle it. You might have catastrophic thinking - If I say something stupid, I’ll feel like a fool. We might imagine the worst-case scenario so vividly that it puts us into a shame storm.

One effect of trauma is that our neuroception is skewed. We don’t assess social threat accurately. Sometimes we’re numbed out and other times we are hypervigilant. The good news is that other people’s opinions and judgments become less important as we heal.

Everyone likes to be approved of and feel part of the group. What’s your tolerance when someone gives you that look, or is jealous, or doesn’t want you included? We ruminate about that one comment, and how we should have said something else or been quiet. There is so much at stake.

Now we have simple tools to calm the nervous system and relax enough to accurately assess threat or invitation, inclusion or exclusion.

Work with your breath. Extended exhaling of at least six seconds is a great practice to calm your system and get out of freeze. Breathing in to a count of three and out to six gives the nervous system time to activate the relaxation response. You could hum or say vooo on the exhale. Singing also helps us down-regulate. When you’re feeling nervous at an event or social engagement, speak in longer sentences or don’t take a breath between shorter ones.

Look for someone who looks shy or uncomfortable and talk with them. Have a couple of conversation starters handy. What type of work do you do? How do you know the host? What are your hobbies? Use your new positive experiences to build trust and ease social anxiety.

Our usual levels of social anxiety are highly affected by social distancing during Covid. Being isolated has narrowed our window of tolerance for being around people and the noise and pressure of social interaction. It has also created a longing for connection. It can be difficult to make rational decisions to protect our physical safety.

Our nervous systems have internalized that other people’s breath might be a life and death threat. It takes time for this to ease and in fact, the pandemic is far from finished. Patience with ourselves and others will make this transition a bit easier. Many people have limited access to their higher level brain functioning these days. A lot of what we’re seeing is people who are hijacked into their primitive survival responses of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Regulating our own nervous system is essential.

Guided Practice: Feeling Anxious at a Social Gathering

Guided Practice: Social Anxiety in Covid Times

As we become more connected with ourselves, we soften our defenses, and begin to take more risks. We say the truth and make it easier for people to know us. Fawning and people pleasing are as much of a barrier to authentic connection as going into a fight/flight/freeze response.

“Safety is an absence of threat plus a feeling of connection. Our goal is to become safe enough to relax in another’s arms.” Dr Stephen Porges

We can only “relax in another’s arms” when we are in a state of ventral vagal, the state of trust and connect. Our primitive brain drives us into our survival responses of fight/flight/freeze. Our nervous system has not evolved quickly enough to deal effectively with the stresses in our modern culture and life. We need to actively work on regulating our own nervous system and co-regulate with others.

Our work in healing is to come up out of freeze, then come through sympathetic arousal (fight/flight), then stay in a state of ventral vagal where we feel connected to ourselves, other people and the greater world.

Changing our long term relationship dynamics isn’t always met with wholehearted appreciation. We might meet resistance and feel excluded. That feels threatening to our nervous system.

As we get to know ourselves better and feel less pressure to please others, we may realize we need to make big changes to bring ourselves into alignment and be around people who are supportive of our healing. We set new boundaries. We become steadier and more grounded. We stop shaming ourselves and we are less willing to tolerate someone else shaming us.

We make these changes from a longing to know ourselves and a hunger to have healthy relationships and a deep true and safe connection with other people. We want to build a life where we matter to ourselves and to others, and to have people matter to us. Guided Inquiry

We discover we can afford to see clearly. We can afford to feel. With our adult resources and strength, we experience that we can tolerate the difficulty and pain of life, and we can open to the joy.

Guided Inquiry: Childhood Conditioning and Adult Relationships

We began with this quote from Dr Gabor Maté: “The effect of trauma is that we disconnect from ourselves, our sense of value, and the present moment.” These words give us a roadmap to reverse engineer our way back to healing.

We need a basic understanding of the trauma response, nervous system and of the particular patterns of our nervous system response: disconnecting and numbing out; addiction; lashing out, anger or rage. We don’t need to go back through every traumatic memory in order to heal. We do need to know the basics of how our system works, in part because that helps us to stop shaming ourselves.

We need to become friendly and supportive with ourselves, to defuse our inner critic and to cultivate being patient, compassionate and kind. Experiences lead to beliefs, like feeling unloved becoming a core deficiency belief that we are unlovable. New experiences lead to new knowing and beliefs.

“Our brain is like Teflon for positive and Velcro for negative.” Neuropsychologist Dr Rick Hanson

The effects of trauma in the primitive brain and nervous system drive much of the suffering in our daily life. Hypervigilance, dissociation, shutting down, addiction, catastrophic thinking, tension in the body, stress, and illness are the result of a nervous system stuck on red alert.

This is how our system works. Hypervigilance is our brain remembering every scary experience and trying to protect us. It might not be effective, but that is the goal. We may be in an adversarial relationship with our body and mind, but actually they are always trying to do the best for us.

The recently discovered brain neuroplasticity provides hope that we can release the effects of trauma and build new neural networks for trust and connection.

We need an absence of threat plus a feeling of connection to feel safe. Human beings need to be connected within ourselves and with others. This is especially challenging during a worldwide pandemic with all of the social, economic and relationship impacts. Guided Inquiry

The new science of positive psychology works to build strength, resilience and happiness. When we combine modern research findings with the 5,000 year old yoga tradition that knows about healing our nervous system through relaxation and breathing, we build resilience right into our body.

“Focus on your strengths, and your weaknesses will take care of themselves.” Swami Veda Bharati

Guided Inquiry: Emotional Resilience and Strength

Stay in touch with your body and breath, and watch thoughts as they come and go through the mind. This helps us remember we are doing a mindfulness inquiry. Notice your response to the questions.

Bring to mind one of your strengths, like curiosity, optimism, steadfastness, loyalty, or love of learning. Remember a time you used that strength and imagine it vividly using all your senses. Who was there? What was going on? What were the sounds?

Do this inquiry on something you’re dreading or that would be difficult for you, like getting on an airplane, or going to a family dinner. What’s going on in the energy in your body?

What is it that makes you feel uneasy? Work in stages. Look at the images that come up and bring in your strengths as you go along. Run the scenes in your head from before you leave home, when you arrive, when they greet you at the door - whatever is applicable for the situation you are working with. At what point are you starting to feel anxious? You might notice your breath getting shallow or you are feeling pulled into catastrophic thoughts.

Remain mindful of your body and breath. This is an inquiry. You are not actually in the situation. Pause and look at the images and words that come up when you begin to feel uncomfortable. See their colors and shapes. Images are either still pictures or video clips. Maybe it is the look on someone’s face that is familiar from childhood, or you’ve had previous experiences where they ridiculed you.

Put a frame around images and notice the space around it. Hear the words or see them as though they are written out. Notice your feet on the floor. Hold your own hand and feel the warmth. Do tapping or tracing then look again. Take as long as you like with this until the images have lost their intensity and there is not much response.

Now switch over to using your strengths. What have you already brought to situations like this that got you through it in the past? What could you bring to the situation now? Bring that vividly to life. See yourself moving through the situation with your body language strong and confident and with slow, even, relaxed breath. You are steady and managing well. Focus on what it feels like to make it through with ease then let that come to rest. It doesn’t have to be a perfect resolution.

Now move on to the next step and let that come vividly to mind. We have more and new skills and strengths now that will make the outcome very different from how it was in the past. Visualize yourself moving through this in a different way, seeing the confidence in your face. You’re using your strengths to make it through and maybe even triumph, to do better than you thought you could.

Instead of the usual catastrophic thinking that could take over the mind when we have something we’re dreading, we’re doing two different steps. We run through the scenario using tapping or tracing on the distressing images and words, then switch over to visualizing a positive experience.

In the past we may have made it through by dissociating, shutting down or getting angry. This time we are practicing with mindfulness. We cultivate curiosity and kindness towards ourselves. Why is this happening in this way? What would motivate someone to act the way they do?

If your inner critic is having a field day, pause and see if you could hold that with kindness. One purpose of our inner critic is to make us play safe. Staying grounded in our body being open to kindness helps us to feel more patient and understanding. We don’t need to play that safe anymore.

We’re doing a dress rehearsal. It isn’t actually happening now. This inquiry allows us to see what might trigger us and what we might specifically find most difficult in the situation. We can use tools like tapping or tracing. We can notice the energy and the space around the energy.

When the intensity is reduced, we focus on the strengths we bring to the situation. Put yourself in the movie, see your body language as you feel more confident. You can do this. Take your time and bring all of the elements together - what you hear, smell, touch, and see. Vividly imagine this experience of managing a difficult situation by using your strengths. Our brain can’t tell the difference and will build new neural networks of confidence, trust and connection through this practice.

Guided Inquiry: Strength

To develop a strong resilient nervous system, children need to be around adults who are grounded and well-regulated. Babies need to co-regulate in order to develop neural networks for trust and connection. The foundation of attachment parenting is empathy and responsiveness to the child, as well as bodily closeness and skin-to-skin touch with babies. Children who are consistently cared for develop secure attachment and naturally look to other people for connection and support.

Many parents are struggling and not well-regulated themselves. Gabor Maté was born in Hungary around the time of the Nazi invasion and his mother had to send him away for six weeks to keep him safe. I was born fifteen months after my older sister and my mom must have been exhausted having two babies in diapers. What of children born into violent homes or to addicted parents? Then there are the many children whose parents were told by doctors to let their babies cry it out so as not to spoil them. Our culture is kind of a mess when it comes to secure attachment.

The stress of modern life and isolation of parents deprived of extended family support plays havoc with our nervous system and mental health. We see the impact of our dysregulated nervous systems in daily life and with our children. Learning to breathe, relax and develop a healthier relationship with our thoughts cultivates strength and resilience.

Below is a guided practice (talk and inquiry here or guided practice here) where our more grounded adult self can co-regulate directly with our younger nervous system. Set yourself up in a comfortable position with a soft pillow or blanket behind you and another in front. Let your whole body relax as you focus for a few minutes on your breath. Allow your belly to soften and your breath to become continuous and smooth. Use any of the practices here to regulate your nervous system before you begin.

We do this practice with our eyes open. This can help remind us that we are here in a safe environment and that we are an adult. Let your mind wander back to earlier in your life when you were anxious or scared or when you felt alone and unloved. Notice your age and circumstances. You may have recall memories, visual images, or it might be more of a felt sense. If you are thinking of a time when you turned to food, another substance or behavior for comfort, come back to just before. What are you feeling? What was it like for you?

I am alone with this. There’s no one here to support me or to help me understand. I feel confused and scared.

Let your adult self attune with your younger self. Notice the softness and support of the pillows or blanket. Connect with your breath. Keep your eyes open and your attention focused on your younger self. In this practice, we’re not asking questions or offering verbal reassurance to our younger self. From our own adult presence and awareness, we are attuning to our nervous system as it was then. We stay present and connected.

Maybe you were being yelled at, or you were angry at being unfairly treated or hurt. It could be you were scared and in despair. Let yourself feel that in your body without commenting on it. We’re just here as our adult self, offering our presence and attention. If you notice your attention wandering off or you feel ungrounded, take a break for a moment to come back into your adult nervous system regulation. Relax. Breathe. Feel the support.

What kind of thoughts did you have? What did it feel like in your body to feel so alone? Maintain present moment awareness. You are an adult now. Breathe. Relax. Let your younger nervous system feel your care and support.

If you feel your attention wandering or you’re getting restless, that’s natural. What are the signals that it’s time to stop? Are you getting a food craving or thoughts? Is your body restless? Does your mind keep wandering off? Keep noticing the softness of the pillows and the feeling of being held front and back. Witness your thoughts and feelings. Let your adult self remain attuned to the nervous system of your younger self. Keep your eyes open. You are here now and you are safe.

Before finishing the practice, review what happened. Was it easy or difficult to stay attuned and present with yourself? Are you willing to do this again? Our nervous system responds to empathy and care. Over time, our younger nervous system heals and regulates with our more settled adult nervous system. This is a beautiful practice to do every day for awhile.

Talk and guided inquiry on supporting our young nervous system

Guided inquiry: Supporting Our Young Nervous System

The fact you are reading this indicates you are interested and that you have hope.

I used to be so stressed and tight and my shoulders were always up around my ears. My mind was absorbed in catastrophic thinking. What if this happens? How will I handle that? I was so shut down that I didn’t know I was anxious. I felt calm but in reality I was numb. Twenty eight years ago I found meditation and started on this healing journey. The last ten years working directly with healing trauma brought me the rest of the way.

I know healing can happen for you too. Our responses to trauma are predictable and relatively easy to understand. We need connection to feel like we matter, that someone cares about us, and that we will be protected. If there is fear from abuse or neglect, no matter why it happened, our body responds with nervous system defense strategies.

We form beliefs based on our experiences. We can form new beliefs based on new experiences. I haven’t found a magic pill that will instantly heal trauma. What I have found is a reliable time-release process.

We look at our own system and build resilience and strength. We update our system from when we were children and were pretty helpless. We are adults now, using our intelligence, adult brain development, cognitive function, and our willingness to transform a relationship of aggression into one of patience and compassion for ourselves. We acknowledge our very human resistance to feeling pain and become willing to transform and heal.

This opens up the world for us. Listen again to the recordings. Do the practices and inquiries, especially the breathing and relaxation ones, where you build resilience and strength in your mind. Reach out for appropriate support. You don’t actually have to stay in the grip of catastrophic thinking. Through mindfulness practices, we recognize it as a fear response, press pause, regulate our nervous system, and re-engage our higher level mind.

We know new ways that are effective in calming our system, regulating our emotions, and providing the stability, steadiness, and emotional maturity that we need to enjoy life. This is true self-care.

There is definitely a way to heal our past. I am thankful to be on this journey and that you are too!