Shame Inhibits Authenticity

When we’re in a social situation and take a risk to be ourselves, sometimes we are met with interest and acceptance. Other times we feel the shame of not being met. We might be ignored, excluded, or someone looks at us with contempt. We could be bullied and ostracized.

We are hurt in community and we need community to heal. In our exploration of friendship, we’re looking into social anxiety and how that inhibits deep satisfying connection. Our memories of and prediction of feelings of shame underlie social anxiety, a reflexive turning away from risk. It is a nervous system response that contributes to isolation and loneliness.

Last week (We heal in community) we worked with building resilience and strength through widening our window of tolerance. We worked directly with the energy of shame in our body that often pushes us into survival responses of fight, flight, freeze or fawn. We took it slow, bringing up a social situation where we’ve been shamed while we used tools to remain aware that we are not back in that situation, we are here in the safety of the present moment. Being grounded in the present moment is key in healing trauma and working with shame.

Where do you feel the energy of shame in your body?

Shame elicits a threat response in our nervous system, which often registers as a form of freeze or shut down. Disconnection from the body enables us to bear the unbearable. We might also be activated into a flight or fight response. These limit our capacity to express ourselves and feel connected.

Shame registers as healthy when we are met with support and love; we can then take responsibility and learn from that experience. Toxic shame can arise after a series of misattunements, where we are rejected and not met with love after having an experience of shame. We feel unworthy, exposed and vulnerable.

I have energy in my body that feels like shame.

Being tuned in to the energy in our body gives us valuable information and an opportunity to practice staying present with ourselves with kindness. We need this deeper connection with ourselves, so we can reach out with an open heart to others.

Last week in our Sunday free community class we worked with tolerating the discomfort of feeling shame. This week we’re taking it to a next step. We feel it in our body. We inquire and see what has activated shame. We come out of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn into a more grounded emotional regulation.

This awareness gives us an opportunity to sharpen discernment and exercise agency.

Is this a person I want to deeply connect with?

If not, then setting boundaries with grace is our next step.

If we do want this friendship to flourish and be a safe enough place where we can show up and be accepted as ourselves, then we need to help our nervous system allow that deeper connection.

Some friendships are high stakes. We value their opinion and want to be accepted by them. (Our most important high stakes friendship is that with ourselves.)

Why are you anxious around this person? Do you have experience with them where you’ve felt shamed? If so, is there enough good to balance that and make the friendship worthwhile?

Ideally we’re not bringing our past experiences of being hurt into our present day relationships but that’s really not how our system works. Our nervous system has a negativity bias and a commitment to keeping us safe. It often inaccurately assesses threat and activates survival responses when they’re not necessary. Caution and clarity are helpful. Hypervigilance is not.

Our adult self realizes we have greater capacity for risk than when we were a child, and a profound interest in authentic connection.

When you bring this friend to mind, what do you enjoy about your connection? What would you like to change? Do you activate each other into fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn responses? How might you work with lowering defenses and increasing connection?

Visualize one component of your friendship that you enjoy. What do you appreciate about this person? How do you feel about yourself when you are around them? What is their response when you open up and share? Are they an easy person to be with? Are you on guard?

What would you like to shift in this relationship so you feel more comfortable with them? Would you like to spend more time with them? Would you like them to focus on you more when you’re sharing?

What is happening in their nervous system generally and specifically when they’re with you? How much does their lack of focused attention have to do with their brain and nervous system? Do you sense that they’re bored with you?

How are you interpreting this? If they have trouble focusing generally, then it’s probably not personal. It’s something going on with them. It doesn’t mean you can’t address it with them but knowing it’s not personal can help us be less hurt and more open.

Do you find yourself shutting down or distracted when you would like to be more present?

What is happening in your nervous system generally and specifically when you’re with them? Would it help to soften your shoulders and focus on your breath as you’re talking? Do you find yourself in a pattern of preparing what you’re going to say while they’re talking or are you really listening?

Somatic mindfulness can give us so much information about what our nervous system is up to when we’re with a friend and how we’re interpreting what is happening.

What would an honest conversation look like? What would you like to say?

I’m noticing I tend to interrupt and talk over you. I’m trying to be more mindful of that habit. I am interested in what you’re saying and I want to let you know I’m working on that. Let’s talk about it. I’d like to be closer to you and I feel this is in the way.

I would like to spend more time together. Is that something you would like too? It seems you’re often too busy or tired lately and I miss the way we used to hang out.

There are so many reasons why friendships change. Sometimes they’ve run their course and we’re not interested in the same things anymore. Maybe they’re excited to spend time with a new friend and we feel jealous or left out. A change in someone’s health impacts everything. People who are in a new romantic relationship might let other friendships slide.

Friendships, like romantic relationships, need nurturing and commitment. As we heal our nervous system and see through our old core deficiency beliefs, we are more available for connection. That happens differently for people and there are times we grieve for what was.

Keys to cultivating fulfilling adult friendships:

• Work with your own nervous system regulation

• Learn about your attachment style so you can be healthier in relationships

• Be respectful of their time and where they put their attention - it is not up to another person to fill our needs and make up for developmental deficits from childhood

• Broaden your reach and develop connection with more interesting people

• Take appropriate risks and don’t be too cautious and over-protective

• Be a good friend to yourself and to others, and expect that for yourself

Join us Sundays each week to inquire and practice together! Details here.