Putting “Them” Out of Our Heart

It’s easy to bring “them” to mind. They are the ones who activate us into a survival response, like the fury we direct at someone who won’t respect our boundaries. Other times we might encase our heart in ice and refuse to care about them. Being in relationship with people pushes our buttons. We need each other, and we are so deeply hurt by each other.

How can we keep an open heart with people who are hurting us? Is staying in connection even healthy? Maybe it is better to ghost them and be done with it! Yes, sometimes it is necessary to end a relationship for awhile or for good. We may even need to do that abruptly for our own safety or through a mediator. With situations of lesser threat, ghosting someone is dehumanizing, and it can cause unnecessary harm to them and to our own heart.

In daily life, it is important to limit people’s access to us if they are disrespectful, harmful or dangerous. No question. In my life, I have often been in more of a freeze response and not seeing clearly. I have stayed in work and personal relationships way past their expiry date. I kept trying to work it out and without any supporting evidence, I kept thinking they or the situation would change. Part of emotional healing is to cultivate the capacity to see clearly and to take action to be on our own side.

We do need to take appropriate action to protect ourselves and limit the harm they might do. People who treat us with contempt or otherwise abuse us wear down our self worth. It is healthy and appropriate to set boundaries and to value our own life and happiness.

Let’s move to exploring this on the emotional level of attachment and aversion. I tend to not work with terms like forgiveness because I think that can devolve into rationalizing and feeling pressured to let people off the hook for harmful behavior. What we are looking for with forgiveness is the freedom that comes with accepting the reality of a situation, and letting go of the compulsion to fix it.

Our brains developed to remember who and what hurts us. Accurate perception of danger is a good thing. It’s not healthy to override that protective mechanism so that we can be the “good girl”, or the glue that holds the dysfunctional family together at all costs.

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Prentis Hemphill

It is in our own best interest to set good boundaries AND to keep an open heart. We can put them out of our life without putting them out of our heart.

What does it feel like to have an open heart? Physically in our body it might feel like warmth and lightness in our chest and ease in our body and breath. Emotionally we are steady. We aren’t eaten up with hot anger or cold rage. We keep things in perspective, and might even understand some of the forces that led “them” to act as they did.

Bring to mind someone who makes you smile and with whom you naturally feel connected and open-hearted. Take a moment to bring that alive using all of your senses, sight, touch, smell, sounds, etc. Take a few deep breaths and savor it.

Now bring to mind one of “them”. It could be someone you know, a co-worker who maliciously gossips about you, or a person whose harsh words linger in your mind. Without in any way excusing or justifying their behavior, notice how it feels to experiment with keeping an open heart while you think about them. Emotions like grief or anger at being betrayed might surface.

Let yourself feel whatever arises and keep coming back to witnessing your own experience and heart. Hold your own hand, do box-breathing, or any of the emergency practices to self-regulate. Stay present here in this moment. Stay with feeling in your chest. Witness as thoughts and sensations come and go and observe the flow of energy in your heart.

Reflections might come up on your part in the relationship breakdown. Maybe there is something you could have done to reduce the tension in the relationship, or maybe you contributed to the harm in some way. We might regret that we stayed in the relationship or didn’t stand up for ourselves. We can take these insights into future relationships. It doesn’t mean we need to change the boundaries we’ve set, or let that person back into our lives.

We can also offer ourselves kindness and let go of blaming or shaming ourselves. Practice keeping your heart open to yourself. Let yourself feel the attuned empathy and compassion you would offer to someone suffering as you are. Breathe that in. Soften your shoulders and your gut. Open your heart.