Families of Origin

Understanding Our Conditioning and Finding Freedom

When we think about family, many of us unconsciously compare our real-life experiences to the idealized families we grew up watching on TV. Whether it was the wholesome Partridge Family or the quirky Addams Family, Modern Family or Schitt’s Creek, these cultural portrayals shaped our early sense of what was “normal.”

Was your family reflected in popular culture while you were growing up? Not if you grew up in a family with two dads, like Pete Buttegieg’s children. Maybe you longed for the Heartland TV show kind of family, where people feel seen, included, and supported, even when they fight. They argue, they get frustrated, but they also repair and have each other’s back when things go wrong.

For many of us, this wasn’t our reality. Our families may have been loving at times but also inconsistent, chaotic, neglectful, or abusive. When we grew up comparing our real family to those idealized versions, it was easy to think something was wrong with us.

Conditioning and Expectations

Our early family life shapes us in ways that run deeper than conscious thought. The predictive brain and our nervous system store our conditioning, how we learned to belong, how we protected ourselves, and how safe it felt to show our authentic selves.

This conditioning happens long before we can think logically about it. It’s in our animal body, in how our shoulders tense, how our gut tightens, how quickly we smile to smooth things over, or how we withdraw to avoid conflict.

Popular culture reinforces these patterns by setting up unrealistic expectations:

• If my family didn’t look like those happy TV families, there must be something wrong with me.

• If my family seemed “normal” on the outside, then it must have been my fault that I felt neglected or unloved.

These beliefs can leave us feeling ashamed, powerless, and very alone.

* * *

Take a quiet moment to sit or lie down. Breathe naturally and feel your body. Then ask yourself:

• What did I learn about family from watching TV or movies as a child?

• When I compare my real family to those images, where do I feel tension in my body?

• If this tension could speak, what would it say?

You don’t need to change anything, just notice what arises.

Letting Go of Shame

One of the deepest shifts in healing comes from seeing clearly that our childhood was not our fault. Our parents or caregivers were responsible for the family environment. This doesn’t mean they were “bad people”. Many were acting out of their own unresolved pain or conditioning, but the responsibility for how we were treated does not belong to the child.

Understanding this truth can bring relief, but it can also stir up complex emotions. We might feel compassion for our caregivers while also feeling anger or grief. Both can be true.

Healing often includes gently loosening the shame that has been living in our bodies for decades. Shame is not just a thought. It is a felt sense. It’s the heat in your face, the hollow feeling in your stomach, the way your chest collapses when you remember something painful.

Try placing a hand over your heart or on your belly and saying softly:

• It wasn’t my fault.

• I was a child. My parents were responsible for my family life, not me.

Notice how your body responds. Do you feel resistance? Sadness? Let all of it be there.

Moving Toward Freedom

Freedom doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen or forcing forgiveness. It means becoming more honest and compassionate with ourselves.

A powerful reframe is:

• I am free from shame and conditioning around my childhood family.

• I can understand and hold compassion for my parents while knowing that my childhood experience was not my fault.

When we hold this truth in our body, we create space for authenticity. We don’t need to twist ourselves into shapes to fit old patterns of belonging. We can build healthier relationships based on safety, respect, and genuine connection.

Breathe gently and imagine what freedom from childhood shame might feel like in your body.

• I am free from shame and conditioning around my childhood family

• How does freedom from that old shame feel in my body? How do I move, sit, feel?

Family of origin work can stir up deep feelings, and it is profoundly liberating. By bringing awareness to our conditioning and releasing the shame that never belonged to us, we open possibilities to live more authentically.

Healing happens in small moments of pausing, feeling, and noticing what is true.

Recent inquiry: Family Belonging and Authenticity on Insight Timer + or YouTube

Join our Sunday free community class to explore together. Details here.