Earned Secure Attachment

It is helpful to know our attachment style. It is also helpful to know that when trauma is “healed enough”, we can develop Earned Secure Attachment.

• We are responsive and flexible

• Have good neuroception, accurately assess threat, neither under or overreact

• Are balanced: not hypervigilant and not in denial

• Are alert and aware of danger and our various options 

• Have good boundaries, know our needs, and are confident and assertive

• Engage deeply and vulnerably with healthy people

• Walk away from people who are abusive or manipulative

• Cooperate and compromise appropriately with others without fawning

Securely attached adults

Have a positive view of themselves and others. They feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, and trust that others will be there for them when needed. They tend to be good at forming deep, trusting friendships, are comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions, are supportive, and can maintain close, balanced connections. They handle conflict well, communicate openly, and provide emotional stability within the friendship. They are comfortable with both intimacy and independence

Avoidant adults

Have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. They value independence and may struggle with emotional intimacy, often distancing themselves when relationships become too close. They can find it difficult to form deep, emotional connections with friends and tend to keep others at a distance, avoid vulnerability, and may be dismissive of others needs. Friendships may lack emotional depth when they don’t openly express feelings. They can be reluctant to depend on others or share personal issues.  They crave independence and claim that they do not need a relationship.

Fearful Avoidant adults (Disorganized attachment)

Have a negative view of both themselves and others and crave closeness but simultaneously fear it. They feel confused and conflicted and experience push-pull dynamics in their friendships due to the desire for connection but fear of being hurt and struggle with trust. They show inconsistent behavior, drawing close to friends then suddenly distancing and trouble handling conflict or expressing their emotions, which can lead to instability in friendships. They are torn between a desire for intimacy and a fear of sharing their emotions.

Anxious adults

Have a negative self-view but a positive view of others. They worry about being abandoned or rejected and may seek constant reassurance from friends. They feel insecure about their friendships and want intimacy but tend to dependency. They overthink interactions and fear being left out which can lead to clinginess, jealousy, or excessive neediness in friendships, where they may constantly seek affirmation of acceptance from their friends. They are often very loyal and dedicated but can become obsessive. They want intimacy in relationships and have high levels of emotional disclosure, but tend to dependency on others and seek their approval.

Our friendships are impacted by our attachment styles in these areas.

Trust:
People with Secure attachment trust their friends more easily.
People with Anxious or Avoidant attachment struggle with trust, either fearing abandonment or avoiding dependency.

Conflict Resolution:
People with Secure attachment handle conflict constructively, communicating openly and seeking solutions.
People with Anxious attachment are overly emotional or afraid of losing the friendship during conflicts.
People with Avoidant attachment withdraw or avoid potential conflict.

Emotional Support:
People with Secure attachment offer and seek emotional support in balanced ways.
People with Anxious attachment offer excessive support in an attempt to be liked or may demand a lot of support.
People with Avoidant attachment may be uncomfortable with emotional exchanges and could downplay their own or others’ emotional needs.

Dependence and Independence:
People with Secure attachment have a healthy balance of independence and interdependence.
People with Anxious attachment struggle with excessive dependence.
People with Avoidant attachment resist depending on friends.

Vulnerability:
People with Secure attachment are comfortable being vulnerable. People with Anxious attachment may be overly vulnerable in an effort to gain closeness. People with Avoidant attachment may avoid vulnerability altogether, fearing that it exposes them to rejection or judgment.

Below is our focus in inquiry this week in Sunday class. You are welcome to join us!

Attachment Styles and Friendship

What is your primary attachment style?

What is the primary attachment style of your friend?

Bring to mind something you want to change in your friendship dynamic. How is this influenced by your two attachment styles?

In these areas: Trust Conflict Resolution Emotional Support  Independence Vulnerability (see above)

What is your tolerance for their attachment style as it conflicts with yours? How might you emotionally regulate when they avoid or suffocate you? How might you address your different needs in conversation with them?

What can you appreciate about them even if it doesn’t mesh with your needs?

Are there ways to help each other develop earned secure attachment?

We are not doomed as adults to repeat survival patterns of childhood. As we heal trauma we can develop more strength and resilience in our nervous system and feel more secure in our friendships.

This is a link to my interview with Dr Diane Poole Heller on Trauma and Attachment.