A Specific Kind of Love

It is a generic kind of love if we don’t know the person. It doesn’t feel as personal to us when they don’t really know who we are.

I wonder if our unconscious mind interprets disconnection from ourselves (which we now know is due to trauma) as a lack of interest. We turn away from deeply knowing ourselves. We’re not consistently on our own side. We abandon ourselves. It feels very much like a lack of love! 

We understand in our mind that disconnection from ourselves is a trauma response based on fear that we will be overwhelmed with stored trauma, flashbacks and core deficiency beliefs. As we move in and deeply get to know ourselves, what we actually find inside of us is the hurt and pain that no one attended to. Experiencing and knowing this in our body leads to a shift in perspective that is essential in our healing journey.

The remedy to disconnection includes practicing attuned empathy with ourselves, even in something as simple as noticing our shoulders are up around our ears and letting them soften. We get to know our body and more about who we are. We discover core deficiency beliefs to be untrue. We are braver and more optimistic as we become familiar to ourselves. It feels like love!

Try this. Relax, breathe deeply, and focus on your whole body head to toes. What do you see, hear and feel?

What are the sensations or energy in your body? Many sensations move through, like the warmth we feel in our heart when thinking of someone we love, the excited pleasure of seeing a hummingbird, or the immersive joy of listening to beautiful music.

Notice the space your body is occupying and the sensations within that space. Often our attention is drawn to what is unusual, tight or painful. This negative focus is a normal part of our survival system. Pleasure and joy add meaning to our life, but they don’t save us from tigers.

With your awareness focused in or close to a feeling or energy in your body, mentally welcome it. If you like, you can place one or both hands on the sensation or on your heart center while you say the words. Often when we tune in to sensation in our body, memories or a sense of age comes up. You could also look at a picture or mental image of yourself at the time.

Trauma is stored in our body as sensation with associated memories. With somatic mindfulness inquiry, we stay present in the safety of this moment as we connect with our deeper layers. Stay grounded in awareness in your body and breath. If necessary, use tapping or tracing to break the trance of thoughts. We are looking to stay in that sweet spot of being deeply engaged and simultaneously aware that we are a well resourced adult who is witnessing and welcoming what is here.

Cultivate a relaxed invitation to be present. Notice the qualities and attributes of the sensation, including color, temperature, shape, size, density or lightness, sharp or diffuse boundaries, and noticing if it is still or moving. Use these as grounding tools if you feel you are being swept into the past and losing present moment awareness. Open your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Once you’re settled, go to the welcoming phrases.

Welcoming Phrases (say these to the sensation or feeling)

I am aware that you are here and you are welcome to be here

Whatever you would like me to know – I am listening

I know you might not trust that it’s okay to open up and there’s no pressure

You are not alone anymore – I am an adult now and you can count on me

It is safe for you to let me know more if you would like

I love you and I am ready and open to knowing you

You are so welcome to be here

We discover that in fact we are worth getting to know. We are no longer scared and we are able to welcome feelings and sensations into our awareness. They don’t mean what we feared they did. We are not inherently bad or damaged. They are the hurt and pain that no one attended to.

The key to welcoming ourselves is to stay well regulated and grounded in the present moment. Our adult self is interested and welcoming all of ourself. We come out of hiding. We experience the specific love of being known.