Empathy and Support
“Good enough” parenting can look like having someone who is interested enough to get to know us, to notice when we are upset, who sees what challenges us, and leans in to how they might support us.
This goes deeper than housing and food security, and a stable environment. Many parents who are able to provide stability are disconnected from us on a deeper level, and we still end up feeling like we are on our own. This lack of empathy and attunement is a survival level threat for a child.
An attuned parent helps us identify and meet challenges. They encourage us to reach out and grow, and to try new things, even if we are nervous. They provide a soft landing when we need a caring presence. They encourage us to be strong and also to be kind and respectful to ourselves.
Many of us experienced part of that, perhaps not consistently, but enough to give us a sense of it and for some of our neural networks to develop for connection.
Others had a chaotic harmful environment growing up and had a brain that developed more for protection. They are struggling now with anxiety, difficulty sleeping, and the effects of a dysregulated nervous system - the effects of Childhood Adverse Experiences (ACES).
Our inner critic develops when we are shown contempt at home. With this history, many folks hear in their head the actual harsh words in the voice of their parent.
The inner critic also develops in the aggressive culture we live in. We don’t measure up. We are judged and shamed by peers, teachers or bosses. We push ourselves through our inner critic and this creates an abusive internal relationship. Having an active inner critic creates miserable living conditions.
This is something we can work with. Now that we are adults, we can take on the job of parenting ourselves and learn to be consistently reliable and kind. From the past two weeks: Quieting The Inner Critic and Inner Nurturing Committee.
Notice when you are under attack. Be alert for a contemptuous tone of voice, mean judgmental words, and contracted energy in your body. Use the tools to break the trance of memory, and come back into awareness that in this moment you are safe.
We can’t change the past. We can’t transform our parents into lovingly supporting us. If they have done their own work, that’s a bonus.
We can extend empathy and support to ourselves. We can stop the inner critic attacks.
We can learn to be consistently reliable and kind to ourselves. We can be the “good enough” parent we didn’t have.
Bring this to life in your mind using all your senses including visual, sound and touch. Connect with your younger self who felt attacked and shamed. Let them know they are no longer alone.
I love you.
You deserve kindness and respect.
You don’t have to earn my love.
You are good, whole, strong, and amazing!
I am here for you now.
We don’t have to do this by ourselves. Explore with us in our Sunday free community class. We inquire, we share in small breakout groups (optional), and in the larger group.