Emotional Labor and Co-Regulation
Who talks, who listens?
Who is more regulated and steady while the other one rants or monologues? Who does more emotional labor of being present for the other in your relationships? Ideally it evens out over time, and we’re both there for each other.
There are many reasons people monologue at us, allow their problems to take up more space in the relationship, or who aren’t in equal relationship with us. They might feel entitled to our time and attention. Setting boundaries might be less emotional when that is the case.
When nervous system dysregulation is at the root of someone monologuing at us, what are our options? This might be someone we care deeply about and want to be there for. What does it cost us to be subjected to their dysregulation over time? Do we consent?
It is hard work to remain grounded when we’re around people with dysregulated nervous systems. Anxiety talkers release energy through talking, especially when they are nervous. They may not be aware of the impact this has on other people. We might feel angry at being treated like a receptacle for their anxiety, or we might feel anxious and want to help or fix them.
With respect and compassion for ourselves and for other people who are traumatized and haven’t built enough capacity for nervous system regulation:
What does it cost us? Can we afford it?
We might be hanging on by a thin thread ourselves, and we can’t rely on them anymore. We might feel disappointed and let down, or that we need to protect ourselves from them.
What is our responsibility to others? Ourselves?
There are no right or wrong answers here. We are exploring with kindness and an open heart.
Begin somatic inquiry with noticing you are safe in this moment. Breathe deeply, relax your body, clear your mind. Keep coming back to regulating yourself as you inquire:
I acknowledge it is hard to be grounded and regulated in the world we live in now with the way our nervous systems work to help us survive
I let go of shaming myself for having a tough time
I take responsibility for building capacity in my own nervous system and take steps to do that
I offer myself compassion and kindness when I mess up and need to make a repair
I allow myself to feel disappointed, sad, worried or angry when someone isn’t willing or able to regulate their nervous system
I am practical about the impact of someone else’s dysregulated nervous system and what it costs me
I admit I can’t help everyone or fix everything
I am on my own side and take care of myself even as I work to be grounded, emotionally regulated, and with an open heart.
Would you like to explore this in community? Join our Sunday free community class. https://lynnfraserstillpoint.com/sunday-community-class