Inner Nurturing Committee

Contempt is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships, including the one we have with ourself. When we have a harsh contemptuous inner voice, it is no wonder we’re estranged from ourselves! 

Our adult self needs back up to help us stay grounded and steady, to see clearly and to calm the inner critic.

I interviewed neuropsychologist Dr Rick Hanson for the Radical Recovery Summit. One of Dr Hanson’s suggestions for dealing with the inner critic is to form an inner nurturing committee. This can help with perspective and provide some much needed support.

Here’s the link to watch the full interview: Getting Your Brain Onside 

Inner Nurturing Committee

Who can you invite to be on your side? To support and encourage you? To provide unconditional love and encouragement? Who could you reach out to? It’s up to you.

• Wise elders, like a grandparent, teacher or friend who loved and encouraged you when you were a child, or your own older wise self

• A spiritual guide: Jesus, a guardian angel, the Buddha, your meditation teacher

• A therapist or dear friend who knows you, is honest and unconditionally loves you

• A public figure with whom you resonate: Teresa of Avila, a patron saint, the Dalai Lama, Michelle Obama, Audre Lorde, Thich Nhat Hahn

• A animal who loves you: a dog or horse. Trees, water, or a sanctuary in nature.

Where will you meet? You might visualize meeting in a meadow near a sparkling lake, in a clearing in an old growth forest filled with bird song, in your heart center, or any place you feel nourished and safe.

The first time, call a meeting of  your whole nurturing committee. In future meetings, you might call on only one or two. Visualize your inner nurturing community in a semi circle around you. 

Take a few minutes to be fully present using all of your senses: visual, sound, touch, aromas. Breathe slowly as you soften your body. Take your time and keep checking in with your body and breath during the meeting. 

Maintain awareness that they are here supporting you. They are kind and honest and supportive. They have your back.

Now invite the inner critic into the circle. 

The inner critic is part of you. Although they are causing harm through their tactics, their motives might not be as nasty as their words. 

Invite them into conversation: 

I am happy to listen to what you want me to know.

You don’t get to shame me. I know you think this is the best way to protect me from danger. Mean and nasty words do not work. That shuts me down. 

I can’t act in my own best interest when you’re using that contemptuous tone of voice. Stop. 

You are part of the circle. We are listening to your concerns. 

What is it I need to know? What are you wanting to warn me about? Why are you here?

Some things to consider as you work with inner critic accusations:

• What is the evidence for this accusation? If they come up with something you did wrong in the past, how does it apply now?

• Continue to notice and work with energy in your body. Tune in to your body and breath. Notice the sensations and the space around them. Get up and shake it out if you like. Take a few deep breaths. Look around at the members of your committee. They are here to help. 

• Is your inner critic is using perfectionism as a weapon? Are you holding yourself to an unrealistic standard? Perfectionism is a form of shaming common with people who have been judged and traumatized, especially as children. 

• Are you out of alignment? If so, how could you bring yourself back in?

Stay with your body and breath. Ask your committee to help you see clearly. How would a loving and honest elder see it? What would they advise?

The motivation behind an inner critic attack is fear of being discovered as inadequate, unworthy and not good enough. Being shamed and rejected is so painful that we are highly motivated to prevent it. Inner critic attacks can be a harmful but well-meaning attempt to protect us from rejection by others. 

Notice when you are under attack. Be alert for a contemptuous tone of voice, mean judgmental words, and contracted energy in your body.

Ask your inner nurturing committee to stay with you for support and clarity. If you have trusted friends, talk about your concerns and ask for their perspective. They often see what we can’t and are much kinder than we are to ourselves.

When we are bullied by our inner critic, we need to find ways to stand up for ourselves. If we were bullied by parents, we might have internalized that toxic voice. In the past, you felt alone and developed these strategies to cope and to prevent future pain.

It is safe now to let this go and nurture a loving, kind relationship with  yourself.

Explore with us in our Sunday free community class. As we inquire and share with each other, we realize we are not alone.