Boundaries and Our Nervous System

We have an unconscious process of assessing our level of safety that relies predominantly on our senses - we scan for visual cues, listen for sounds to alert us to danger, relax and enjoy certain scents or tighten up at other smells. 

Our brain has a negativity bias and uses evidence from our past, relying on both implicit and explicit memories, including experiences from when we were children.

Our brain, our mental health and our nervous system are intimately linked and influence our internal experience of life and our relationships. Our brains are affected by accidents, in utero or developmental trauma, mental illness, brain injury and concussion, fear and stress, inflammation in our body, systemic oppression, and many other factors.

Hypervigilance arises when we feel unsafe or under attack. We feel anxious and scared, and we are activated into into fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn survival responses.

This is the world we live in. We don’t accurately assess safety in the present moment because our brain is highly influenced by the past and gives more weight to danger.

Our nervous systems are always communicating with each other.

We can build strength in our own nervous system and still we are very much affected by others. We may recognize what it costs us to be on the receiving end of someone else’s nervous system dysregulation. Now what?

This might be someone we love. We understand why they rant or monologue or “use” us to offload their anxiety.  It might be their trauma history. They might be neurodivergent or have ADHD which makes it more difficult for them to regulate.

We don’t want to be rude and we owe ourselves consideration and protection as well. This is advanced practice of keeping an open heart while feeling unsafe.

Healthy relationships only happen in a state of trust and connection when our nervous system is regulated.

Bring to mind a relationship you have with someone who is often dysregulated with you.

What is the nature of the threat to you?

Are they in a fight response and causing harm with words or actions? When someone is angry and dysregulated, we can’t trust them. We need to protect ourselves.

Are they unavailable for connection because they are in flight or freeze? If we have a history with parents and others who were not available, this might land hard for us.

Our history impacts how our nervous system activates when we feel threatened.

We respond to everything around us →  people, animals, weather, events …

Our nervous system and brain try to predict what will happen, what will protect us from danger, and what will increase our safety through unconscious processes of sensory input woven through our experiences of danger and survival in the past. This assessment happens outside of our conscious awareness causing our system to activate our survival responses, most commonly fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn. 

We know instinctively that we need others to survive (small family groups) and will betray ourselves if necessary to stay in connection even when we’re harmed.

Depending on our conditioning (primarily in childhood), we might reach out for the protection of other people, or we might flee or hide from other people.

Given our change in circumstances, and our adult brain, agency and resources:

What is in our best interest now? How can we support that?

“In a healthy relationship, both people act like adults.

The reality of both individuals is equally honored. They take equal responsibility for their emotional reactions, and talk things out rather than acting things out.” Dr Kay Vogt 

We need to manage our own anxiety and self-regulation so we can tolerate saying and listening to challenging information. We self-regulate and bring it forward. What would you say? What do you want this person to know?

I find myself feeling anxious (angry, frustrated) when you monologue and go on and on about something that upsets you. I want to talk about this pattern because it happens a lot. I would like to share too but you’re hard to interrupt. 

I feel like there is no room for me in this relationship. I know a lot about you. You don’t seem interested in getting to know me or even to wonder if this is a good time for me to listen to you. Sometimes I’m tired or distressed and you don’t see that. Do you see me and how I’m feeling? Does that matter to you?

Notice you are safe in this moment: breathe deeply, relax your body, clear your mind. Keep coming back to regulating yourself as you imagine this conversation.

I’ve been learning more about my nervous system and how we affect each other. When people feel unsafe, we go into a fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn response. Some people talk a lot, others get angry, and some feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

When you talk all the time, I feel helpless to interrupt. I go into freeze and when I do try to engage with you, you dismiss me. 

Lately, you seem to need more reassurance than I can give. I am working with my response to your anxiety. Is there something you could do to reduce your anxiety and receive support from others? This isn’t working for me.

I care about you and I also care about myself. You are important to me and I don’t want to end our relationship. Can we work together to make this a more nurturing and healthier relationship for both of us? 

One reason we do somatic inquiry and “practice” bringing things forward is because we have the opportunity to take it slow. We bring up the person’s face and their likely response. We feel the sensations and energy in our body. Even just imagining saying these things, we might notice we’re holding our breath and our shoulders are up around our ears.

We keep giving ourselves the opportunity to come back into safety and self-regulation. When we have a tough time speaking about what bothers us in the relationship, it is because we have a nervous system experience that it may not be received well. It’s risky.

Holding our own hands, doing some cyclic sighing, scanning the room for cues of safety, relaxing our tight muscles - these practices allow us to come out of survival responses and back into regulation.

We remember why this person is important to us and that we are willing to work with them. Perhaps we realize we’ve come to the end with them and need to leave the relationship.

To be on our own side, know what we want, and to be effective, authentic and brave in relationships, we need a regulated nervous system. Fortunately there are many ways we can build strength and resilience. Some of this is individual and much can be done in community.

A benefit of awareness of our nervous system activation is that we know what knocks us off kilter and we know to use practices to come back into regulation. We identify issues then we can take steps to communicate our needs and explore resolutions with people we care about.

Pause for a moment and perhaps place a hand on your heart as you consider these:

I acknowledge it is hard for me and others to change

Even when we see patterns we would like to change, it takes time and awareness - it is not always within our capacity in the moment

Building a strong resilient nervous system takes time and practice as does cultivating somatic mindfulness

We have many valid reasons for staying in relationship with people who are dysregulated and “imperfect”, as do they for sticking with us

 Kindness and compassion can be a bridge as we work with our own regulation and others and 

We have limited access to compassion when we are in a survival response of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn so we need to come back into regulation

I offer myself and others respect and kindness

Join us every day online for free nervous system regulating practices. Join us weekly for our Sunday free community class.