Minimizing and Dismissing Trauma

I didn’t have it so bad, I’m just self centered

Others have it worse so quit pitying yourself

What about all of the people who are suffering more than I am?

Why do we minimize our own trauma?

When we expressed our genuine distress and fear, we were dismissed by parents and others leaving us feeling like we were the problem.

Despair: if it’s really that bad, if I have been that hurt, how can I ever heal?

We turned against ourselves to increase connection with parents.

We admire toughness, people who  “pull themselves up by their bootstraps”.

We (and others)  are uncomfortable being with our feelings so we go into fight or flight.

We compare and see our trauma as less than other people’s

They’ve been through so much, I don’t want to add my insignificant troubles onto their shoulders.

When we know someone has experienced a lot of trauma, we might not want to trouble them with ours.

Our troubles are legitimate too. Someone who has been through a lot could have a great capacity to be present with us and listen with empathy. They might also have strength and resources to share. It could also be that they are tapped out. We’ve seen them go into fight/ flight/ freeze and know they’re not able to be here for us. In this case, we do want to be careful about what we share with them and when, but not because our troubles are less valid.

Why do we compare and try to one-up other people’s trauma?

It can be hard to sustain feelings of compassion for someone with ongoing suffering. 

If we played a role in their suffering, we feel guilty.

We feel helpless to change and heal them and that puts us into a fight or flight response.

We suffered more than they did and are impatient with what we see as their minor suffering and whining.

We don’t have the capacity to be present for others.

We don’t want to believe it could happen to us so we blame them

Blaming the victim is an attempt to reassure ourselves - if we don’t make that mistake …

I won’t be assaulted because I don’t wear a short skirt or walk home alone after dark .

I won’t be fired because I don’t challenge my boss.

I watch my children at the playground, not like some women who are glued to their phones or chatting away like nothing bad could happen.

How could they not have seen their partner was abusive before they got in so deep?

I’m careful with my money. I’ll never be homeless.

Why do other people dismiss us?

Some people try to control us by minimizing our trauma, or accuse us of exaggerating.

They make us feel like we are overreacting by having feelings about it  Oh come on! It wasn’t that serious! 

They gaslight us and try to make us doubt our reality That didn’t happen.

They manipulate how others see us.  I feel sorry for them. They are so weak, always acting the victim.

There is a callous intent in gaslighting that is different from other reasons why we compare, minimize or dismiss our trauma.

My trauma is legitimate too

Find a quiet place where you can relax and do this somatic inquiry. Use grounding and orienting tools to stay aware that you are safe in the present moment.

I’ve been hurt, made to feel it was my fault, that there is something wrong with me, and left without support.

What does it feel like in your body to reflect on that?

What are the sensations and energies? Sit with them and if thoughts arise, don’t push them away and also let them move to the background, and return to feeling

Let your adult self be there for you: I will stay with you, you are not too much or too sensitive - I am here for you

You are not responsible for being traumatized, even if you made a mistake, trusted the wrong person, froze when you feel you should have fought, or …

Continue to stay with the somatic experience, noticing thought and staying with feelings.

You don’t have to be the “worst hurt” to deserve kindness and empathy.

You are not alone

We can all understand the basics of how trauma works and how our nervous system assesses danger and tries to protect us through fight/ flight/ freeze. We can learn to rely on ourselves and be trustworthy and on our own side. We can cultivate kindness and compassion for ourselves and others. We can heal.

Listen to the guided inquiry below. Join us 7 days a week for our free live nervous system regulating and strengthening group practices. Join us Sundays in our free community class to connect with other supportive and kind people.