Ongoing Resources: free coupons to my 4 courses on

Pdf copy of my book Friends With Your Mind, How To Stop Torturing Yourself With Your Thoughts

“A fundamental goal of human development is the emergence of a self-sustaining, self-regulated human being who can live in concert with fellow human beings in a social context. Vital for this healthy development is a relationship with a parent who sees and understands the child’s feelings and can respond with attuned empathy to the child’s emotional cues.”
  Dr Gabor Mate, When The Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress

Children in non-attuned relationships may feel loved but do not experience feeling appreciated for who they really are. It happens easily when the parent is stressed or tuned out for any reason. This leads to only presenting our “acceptable” side. We repress the emotional responses our parents reject and learn to reject ourselves for even having such responses.

This is a fundamental reason emotional neglect is so damaging. It is the origin of not daring to be authentic. The root of denial and suppression. Of disconnection from ourselves and of course from others.

As adults, we now have the opportunity to attune with empathy to ourselves. Try this practice.

Class Resources

Empathetic Witness guided practice

Slides from class on Empathic Witness

Blessing Practice

Slides from class Blessings Presentation

Slides from class Timeline Inquiry: Agency, compassionate trauma lens, and self-sabotage.

Guided Inquiry Timeline Photos with Captions

Exploring Self-Identity   Thank You For Arising

Signature Strengths: Inquire into one quality of strength and resilience from a parent or grandparent and one for ourselves and take an interesting leap into the quantum field of possibilities.  Signature Strengths practice from class

Signature Strengths list     Signature Strength Slides from Class

Please take this free test called VIA (Values in Action) Survey of Character Strengths

Resilience and Strength in our family Inquiry Questions

Intergenerational Strengths Inquiry

Attuned Empathy: Slides from class

Compassion Inquiry Practice. With any inquiry, there is no expectation that we will feel a certain way. We are looking to see what is there.

Core Deficiency Beliefs: Holding the Opposites Inquiry

Letting Go of Core Deficiency Beliefs

Core Deficiency Beliefs and Alternate Explanations

Lingering Core Deficiency Beliefs

Resources Practices

Regulating our Nervous System

Emergency Practices

Relax your forehead and let go of worry  2 minute practice

Exhaling at least six seconds activates our relaxation response

Breathing practices like extended exhalation

Box Breathing for immediate reset – 4 seconds on exhale, hold, inhale, hold and repeat 5 to 10 times

Chant or sing. Use syllable Voooo.

Talk in longer sentences of at least six seconds

Tapping or Tracing on Catastrophic Thinking

Simple Inquiry

Stay With and Mine Your Feelings

Tools to work with energy and sensations in our body

Grounding in your body – aware of feet on ground, hold your own hand, hand on heart, hug yourself, right hand under left arm then rub or pat your right arm with left hand

Shake the tree – stand up and shake your body around, let your hands and arms be loose

Throw the energy down into the earth – bring your hands above your head, hands in lightly clenched fists. Exhale and throw your arms down toward the earth, opening your hands and letting the energy fly out of your fingers and out of your body. Do at least 3 times.

What to do when you’re panicking or having trouble accessing your body

Kiloby Inquiries Resources:

Radical Recovery Summit: Interview with a mother and son connected with the Kiloby Center

In Need of Satsang Detox, Scott Kiloby. “Once I extracted some really valuable tools, I put all of that down and began investigating on my own. This made all the difference.

How Generational and Early Life Trauma Shape Our Lives, Scott Kiloby and others at Science and Nonduality

Psychology, Articles and Other Resources:

Coping with Childhood Trauma, Gabor Mate

“When you know a child is going through a traumatic experience, how can you help them come to terms with it in a healthy way? Keep in mind, trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you. What happens inside you is a constriction. So the question is, how do you keep that child from being constricted from their experience? How do you keep them from being limited by it? The trauma is that the child has to keep it in. The trauma is that there is nobody to listen to them. Nobody to validate their feelings. That’s why they shut down. That’s why they constrict. If they had someone to talk to, who heard and validated their feelings, they would not have been traumatized.

So the trauma itself is an adaptation, it’s a restriction, it’s a response to a lack of support. Which also means, that by the time the traumatic event happened, they were already traumatized. The traumatic event was not the primary trauma. The primary trauma was that the child was isolated in the world and couldn’t talk to anybody. But that happened before the traumatic event started. By the time that the event happened, the child already knew that they were alone, helpless, and without support. So they had to keep it in, push it down. The child needs someone to express their feelings to, and to have their feelings mirrored back to them. Then they won’t be traumatized. That’s the presence of what is called the ’empathetic witness’. The “empathetic witness” is Alice Miller’s phrase. It’s not necessarily somebody who can change the child’s situation, but somebody that can mirror, validate, and accept that child’s feelings and emotions. That’s how you protect people.” It’s never too late to become the empathetic witness for someone else’s or your own inner child. 

Trauma Connection and Addiction, my 2017 interview with Dr Gabor Maté

When the Body Says No, Hidden Cost of Stress, Dr Gabor Maté

Dr Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté: Hello Again: A Fresh Start for Parents and Their Adult Children

How Trauma and Resilience Cross Generations Dr Rachel Yehuda

Indigenous Canadian intergenerational trauma

Loneliness research

My Grandmother’s Hands, Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies, Resmaa Menakem MSW LICSW SEP

Richard Schwartz Internal Family Systems: Exiles, Managers and Firefighters

Thinking Across Generations: Unique Contributions of Maternal Early Life and Prenatal Stress to Infant Physiology.

Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength and Happiness by Dr Rick Hanson. Section on grit, in which he speaks about agency. Here’s an excerpt

Adyashanti Allow Everything To Be As It Is. The egoic mind lives on resistance. Allow any moment to completely be, don’t try to solve the dilemma of being caught in it.

Dr Rick Hanson has a free 8 part series on neuroplasticity. The first interview is with Dr Richard Davidson who is a scientist who worked with the Dalai Lama. A lot of the research on meditation is from his lab. Sign up for the course here:

Paul Hedderman is a radical nondual teacher. He is actively engaged in AA and in helping people see and break through identification with the mind. Watch this fascinating interview here.

Stephen Porges is a medical researcher who developed the polyvagal theory. In this interview from the recent Sounds True Healing Trauma Summit, he talks in detail about how trauma works in the body.

Peter Levine on Healing Trauma through the Body

Empathetic Parenting – for inner and external children! Part of the reason I’m sharing is because many people who were/are imperfect parents can perhaps ease the guilt. What style do your parents use? What style do you use with your inner child? This fits right in with the Empathetic Witness practice we did. This is Dr John Medina on a Bulletproof Podcast (link in doc) on evidence based research for what John Gottman calls emotional coaching parenting. More from Dr Gottman there. We only need to be right 30% of the time! That gives us a lot of room to notice when we’re being unkind and to soften into “parenting ourselves” with emotional coaching and empathy.

Healthy Child Development: Dr Megan Gunnar talking about epigenetics, brain development and the effect of trauma. Serve and return: when babies have a successful bid (for attention), the brain develops these neural networks.

Healing FROM a Foundation of Wellbeing Dr Richard Miller interview

Integral Recovery, John Dupuy

Elizabeth Rosner on intergenerational trauma Survivor Cafe

How Trauma and Resilience Cross Generations, Dr Rachel Yehuda interviewed by On Being

It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How To End the Cycle, Mark Wolynn

Melanie Tonia Evans Narcissistic Abuse

Dr Karyl McBride Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Toko-Pa Turner Remember, Belonging Ourselves Home

Brandon Bayes Journey

Forgive Assholes: Pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber

Dodging Energy Vampires, Dr Christine Northrup