I had a big experience of telling the truth this week. The interview I did with Guy MacPherson on the Trauma Therapist Podcast went live on Tuesday. We mostly focused on trauma and how I have worked with it and healed from it in my personal life.
Yesterday I wrote a blog post to send with an invitation to listen to the interview. I began with reflecting on a low point at 14 with a razor blade. I ended with this truth.
“You can heal. Suffering does not last forever! No matter where you are in your healing journey, you are loved and innately good. You can know this for yourself. I do.”
What I am feeling after exposing these experiences is the opposite of a vulnerability hangover because there is a complete absence of shame. I understand myself and I understand the complex background in which that occurred.
The truth, and this is true for all of us, is that we formed shaming beliefs based on our experiences. These beliefs are understandable and they are not true. As children, we have no defense against believing we are bad when bad things happen to us.
We can spend our whole lives avoiding and escaping and suppressing. We are the fortunate ones who have hit a wall. The cost is too high. We find the courage to turn towards, invite in, see through the false perceptions and core deficiency beliefs and be with the actual truth.
I had a facilitated Living Inquiries session just after writing that. I stayed with the contracted energy between my shoulder blades. Emotion and memories flowed through. There was only compassion. Acceptance. Unconditional love.
What is in the way of dropping shame and completely loving and accepting yourself?
There is nothing inherently wrong with being human. We don’t need to be perfect. To have our emotions “in order”. We are human. When we come up against resistance and judging ourselves, these are useful questions.
Who wrote the rule that …? Most of the standards we judge ourselves on arise from society’s conditioning and shaming to control us.
What is my evidence (that I am unlovable)? Does having the experience of feeling unloved mean I am unlovable? What are some other explanations? What would I believe if that happened to someone else?
It becomes safe to feel. In truth, the only way to end suffering is to feel. The only way out is through. And the delight is that “through” is possible! It is real.
The truth is those years were hard. I suffered. I feel a sense of loss and regret. Like most of us, I sometimes wonder what would my life have been had I been raised and launched in a connected family. I might have been a great musician. I might have… The truth is, I wouldn’t trade my life now and the people in it for anything (even if I could, which of course I can’t).
I have come full circle. The isolation and confusion, dissociation and denial peaked in my teen years. The core deficiency beliefs persisted and only gradually cleared as I worked with and through the experiences of my life. I am now able to be present with myself from a foundation of Awareness. Kindness. Authenticity.
When people ask what I do, I usually say “I support people in being present with themselves and healing trauma.” I could also say “I support people in seeing and being and living their truth”.
Being open to and accepting relative truth. Being open to and accepting capital T Truth of wholeness. Completeness. Your basic goodness. Sometimes dropping isolation and shame happens in a gush. Sometimes it trickles away. What remains is pure gold.